Yeah, I hear you Tasha. What a futile road we alcoholics travel, regrettably too I might add. It really doesnt make any sense at all, does it Tasha? At least not from my standpoint, it doesnt. I mean, who in their right mind would continue to drink, knowing what the consequences would be. Alcoholics would, even if it causes them so much grief. But, then again, it comes with a price. The freedom we enjoy today is a proven alternative to our way of life, even though it cost us dearly. We had to grasp the concept of personal powerlessness first before we could experience the joys of sobriety, as we do right now. So keep your head up and never question what the future may hold. It's a one day at a time philosophy that keeps us primed and focused for the day ahead. So focus instead on this day young lady, for the reward is sufficient enough, even for you.
P.S. You've made incredible strides over the past 5 months, so be proud of that. What others may think is beyond reasonable comprehension. So don't even go there. Stay sober and live...
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 21st of August 2012 03:14:15 AM
The online life unreliable? Hmmm. That does sound like something I might say when drunk. But I wouldn't know truly as I was a black out drinker. The scariest thing about this disease is knowing that we are capable of so much harm and destruction when we are in the height of our disease.
I am eternally grateful that I didn't kill someone or many people... but that doesn't mean I am above any of the people who did. The disease had me completely under it's control, and I was powerless without the help of God and AA. The details of the things I've said or done, have been touched upon in my 4th & 5th step, but I believe today, that we are all one in the same. We all have the same disease. And just like I've said before, I've acted in ways I would normally NEVER act when sober, haven't we all? All the more reason to understand fully, that even "the haters" are no different - just in a different place in our disease.
Today I own the hate - the mess - the destruction - the hurt - the wrongs - the short comings big and small. Today I can turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him, and take a moment to ask myself what the next right thing is, and that is thanks to the fellowship for guiding me to find and search for something that was lost to me.
I am reminded of the story my sponsor told me about an Amish family who were victim of a random killing, having many members of their family shot dead, and then the shooter himself commit suicide. The remaining members of the Amish family immediately reached out to the shooters family, hoping to help, show love and forgiveness, and do anything they could to help.
Do I always act in this completely selfless way? Absolutely not. I struggle daily to remember that I am not alone in this world. That my Higher power is with me, and always has been, even when I neglected to see it... to feel it. I am also guilty for not bringing this front and center as often as I should, but I can honestly say, that I am trying to LIVE the life I've been taught in AA. I am not looking to be a "one hit wonder", I am not interested in the 1 hr tour. For me, I am searching for a new way of LIFE. A life so sweet, that even just a tiny taste, has my attention fully... and craving more.
I don't know why God has chosen me, or you who can relate to this, and not others. But I am so happy that there is a place for me here, and in this world in general, where I can hold my head up, know that I belong, and walk through things in a new way. Nothing, and no one can truly take my sobriety away from me, but me. It's always been me against me - now it is me with God. I am against no one.
As I approach my 9th step, I ask God to show me who I have wronged, that I may do everything he allows me capable of to make it right. I have already wronged every single person on this MIP board just in the thinking that this was ALL ABOUT ME! Just in my own pure selfishness! I have said things, and brought things up that were a direct result of me taking their inventory. I have taken time away from each of you, because I didn't take the time to think things through, and posted topics instead of listening.
I am sorry for the time I took from you. I plan to do my best TODAY to make a living amends to you.
Tanin in particular received a disrespectful post from me, and I'm sorry Tanin, for not considering how that would make you feel. You are human, not a rock, and I treated you as if you don't have a heart. I'm sorry.
Some of you I have taken for granted, and some of you I have ignored. But you are all part of my family here, and I think I just officially started step 8.
I will have 5 months of sobriety in one week, but I have been in the program since the day after Christmas. The reading for today was perfect again:
What is obvious to me is that we did not create ourselves... life is something inside of you. You did not create it. Once you understand that, you are in a spiritual realm. --Virginia Satir
We do not belong to ourselves, but to the universe. No one planned to come into existence; we just happened to find ourselves here. We are the expressions of a life force whose beginnings are in the forgotten past. What does this mean on a practical level for how we will live today? For one thing, maybe we don't need to take ourselves so seriously. And we certainly are not to judge our existence. We have a right to be here, just as everyone does.
We can live this day fully and not hold ourselves back. We may work hard, play, and enjoy it. We need not rein in or attempt to control this force which so far exceeds our individual powers. Rather, today we can learn to flow with the current.
Today, may I remember my Higher Power is within every cell of my being, whether I notice it or not.
Thanks for being here : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Awesome post! Freedom from the bondage of self - Freedom from all the things that made you so sick for so long. Keep it up Tasha.
I've had my share of disrepectful posts. The turn around time is far shorter now than when I lived in that angry, wounded, and overly sensitive spot all day every day. MIP has been so supportive of me for the whole time I've been here - which like you is the entirety of my sobriety. It's all too easy for me to catch attitude like "How dare you disagree with me on my safe little AA site that is only supposed to be supportive of me!!!" ...as if this site belongs to me only and as if I'm never wrong...yah...reality check for me :)
I'm really grateful for everyone here as well.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Yo Tasha, you keep blowing me away with your ability to verbalize the beautiful "order" of the program. The 9th step comes when you are ready to do the 9th step. As you make amends, it does not come across as hollow because you are genuinely sincere. It is very moving for those involved as well as yourself. The folks I made amends to were not really sure what the 9th step meant as it related to AA, but they sure understood the sincerity and completeness of the amends. Thanks for renewing my commitment to AA.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Mahalo Tasha for the ESH and I also acknowledge that alcohol pushed my value systems to the side and spoke to my ego and pride as if I was beyond membership in the larger community and of much more importance. I went with it without restraint and also have taken the opportunity and tiime to correct where I could possibly the hurt and damage I have done. Take your time and dig for all of those events where you and alcohol ran roughshod over the other souls in our world. There are millions of non-alcoholics who also could learn from your post however thank you...I take it to heart because I am alcoholic. (((hugs)))
