In the book When Love Is Not Enough - The Lois Wilson Story, it's written that Lois loved what Bill used to share when he would close the meeting each year at the Stepping Stones picnic. He'ld say, "We AAs don't stay away from drinking, we grow away from drinking. And if our spouses don't grow along with us, we grow away from them."
I'm not sure why I'm sharing this. Guess it just struck me.
I think one of the reasons you felt compelled to share it is so that I would see it. It puts into words one of my main roadblocks/fears to making the changes I need to make. A life without drinking/drugs may possibly mean a life without my addict husband, and I'm having a difficult time making that decision.
It's my first time here, unsure if I'll find my way back in the days to come, but wanted to thank you for posting this just the same.
Wow - that's awesome! I get scared when I grow, and my husband doesn't - I feel like I will "outgrow" him, and I don't want that. We are growing together nicely considering it's only been a few months. I'm seeing that even though we don't grow exactly the same way each day or week or month, overall, we are keeping up with each other, and that's been one of the most exhilarating rewards of this program for me.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
This is very much a subject worth the time thinking through ... I shall make it my 'thought for the day' and if anything jumps out at me, then I'll share it later ...
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Welcome Ready2Bme, hope you decide you like what you hear and stick around. I have been growing in this program over the past year and a half, and I am ever grateful for it. I came to AA in fear of losing my marriage. Treatment and AA were a last ditch effort to save it. I have received so much more through this simple program. Until I gave myself permission to put me first, my needs, I could not stay sober, not even when it meant losing my husband and my son. When I finally put me first, I had to put myself in the hands of my Higher Power and ask for the guidance and direction I was lacking in my life. For many many years, my husband and my addictions were my HP. Now that all that's changing, life is getting better in some ways, in some more difficult. My husband likes me sober, but is having problems dealing with the idea that he is no longer first and foremost in my life. He has chosen not to be involved in my program other than knowing that I am in AA and it is working for me, today. He does support me and my efforts, but he doesn't want to go to meetings or to AlAnon, although I have encouraged both. His choice to make, not mine. My choice is to trust that I am on the path that I am supposed to be on. I'm still not sure that the path is going to continue to include my husband, especially as I grow and he does not. I pray that it will, and trust that wherever my journey takes me, it is where I am supposed to go. I love my husband dearly, I pray my marriage will survive. A year and a half ago, I was devastated and terrified that it may not. Today, I know in my heart that no matter what happens in my life, as long as I continue to trust in my God, I will be ok. Things may not always turn out the way I think they should, but they will turn out the way they are supposed to. Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
During the last meeting I was at a couple of days ago, I suggested that newcomers go ahead and make a wish list of everything they wish and hope for out of sobriety and tuck it away somewhere safe. Dig that list out in five or ten years and see if things aren't better than your imagination could come up with back then.
My point to mentioning this is simply that we tend to worry about getting what we want - or rather, not getting what we want, when in fact, what we end up with is often much better. I know of many people who found this program in a last ditch effort to save their marrieg only to get sober and can't for the life of themselves, figure out why they wanted to save it.
Great post...greater subject and "we tend to grow away from them" is an important perception almost a damned if we do, damned with we don't perception. Only one of the major decisions in my journey was the result of a statement my then Al-Anon sponsor made to me..."You're going to have to get away from all things alcohol". I understood the statement and already had the intuition that if I didn't I would be toast. It wasn't a "her" drinking focus because "we" drank only I hadn't come to the belief that I was alcoholic myself...She was such a neuclear drunk and high that by the time I was ready to lift off the launch pad myself she was toast and we were "done". She was the drunk and I was the model of how it should be done. She chased my drinking and had she caught it she would have died from it and never found sobriety.
Its sad that I've heard and watched before the switch in addictions...compulsive, addictive AA for compulsive, addictive drinking with losses continuing. I remember a MIP fellow some time back posting that sober is normal or being sober is the normal condition and that is true...I've always believed that. Yes I am genetically predisposed to being alcoholic and I am alcoholic and in AA for a long time...however it is not the only thing I do or am. I am a husband and have always known those rules and roles, I am a businessman and have always known the ethics and principles of business, I am a father, grand-father, great-grandfather and know those roles and rules too. I am a child of God a sought after member of my community and....alcoholic. I am also tuberculic and Catholic...In my daily life few non-members of AA and Al-Anon know of my life threatening disease. Those that do know, know because I have given service to my community on the condition of recovery from toxic chemicals...I am normally seen as being another normal person is a normal life style. If my program of recovery has been instrumental in bringing me closer to and more intimate with my community why should it not do the same for my family and spouse? My spouse is an Al-Anon member and fact is that she has her program(s) and I have mine and we continue to be more committed to our relationship and our own recoveries at the same time. Its normal...sobriety is normal...how it is supposed to be...not different from how its supposed to be.
Being a performing fellow in Alcoholics' Anonymous means that I have had to become aware of stronger principles and greater work with these principles in order to be a normal person and do what is expected of a normal person.
This analogy from another site made it easier for me to understand and not fear it as much.
Think of it like this. You and your spouse are driving down the road of life. Side by side (but different cars). Your HP's word is the traffic laws, but you have been ignoring them, you speed, you go through stop signs and red lights. Heck you even take some side roads to please your own selfish nature. Now one day something happens, you look back and see your spouse taking some side roads as well. It wakes you up. Heck they may get lost ask for directions from someone else and even stop, sit down and have coffee with someone else. Who knows what. The point is, you have just made a decision to get back side by side. But they are miles behind. They have tried to stay up with you but would not run the lights etc... So you decide to learn the laws, live the life. Now, you have a driver ed teacher in your passenger seat. You are following all the rules. But your spouse is still miles behind.
Now you want to go back and get side by side. But what you didn't realise is that all the roads ahead are one ways and roads closed. Do you stop and wait? No way. Your driver ed teacher (by the way is your HP), says be patient, don't yell back to your spouse, don't be negative, telling them to hurry up! Your teacher is basically telling you, Allow me to teach you the way. And along this path, this journey I will teach you to be more like me... And if that person is willing to accept me, we can get you back on track.....
Now even if you get side by side, this person, your spouse, still has not made the decision to get that drivers ed teacher in their car. So how the heck can they be expected to drive as well as you? This is a different kind of driving. And you can experience it because you have made that choice. BE PATIENT.
Now based on what you have learned. You will see in time, that by you following all the laws. No road rage, you're always giving the right of way - your spouse will see a change in you. They will want that as well. It will be your job to drive them to the DMV and get that drivers ed teacher in their car as well. It is only at that time, you both will be in the same car, instead of at best, side by side.....
I realise it won't always turn out this way for everyone. It's nice and easy for me to picture in my head. Especially when times are tough.
"We AAs don't stay away from drinking, we grow away from drinking. And if our spouses don't grow along with us, we grow away from them."
I'm not sure why I'm sharing this. Guess it just struck me.
I like the growing away from drinking and for sure the spouses are going to change to some degree and hopefully grow. I was sober 14 years when I got married, so I can just react to what I have seen in other relationships.
Mostly the relationships get better, sometimes the AA spouse decides there is only room for one adult in the relationship and can't handle the change. The dynamics change for sure and it's not good if one person stays sick.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I know of many people who found this program in a last ditch effort to save their marrieg only to get sober and can't for the life of themselves, figure out why they wanted to save it.
With every day that passes that line resembles me more and more.
