TM that's the thing about alcoholism (and other substance abuse) we get stuck at whatever age we started abusing at and never mature. I started drinking (and smoking cigs) at 8 years old, smoking pot at 11, Lsd at 13, cocaine at 15, and a lot of other drugs 16, 17,18. I was drinking and drugging daily from about 15 on. At 14 I had a motorcycle, and car and girlfriend, but no drivers license. I parked the car around the corner so to hid it from my mother and had a stack of 30 day paper tags that I stole from the dealership that my older friend worked at. I dated that same girl throughout high school. During that time, I made a lot of "rules" for myself. These were the dysfunctional behaviors and coping mechanisms that stayed with me for the next 15 years. Had to have a pretty girl friend with long blonde hair. Had to have a fast motorcycle, and a hippy van, and fast car. Had to have a out of state plates to avoid paying taxes on my vehicles, drove without insurance for 16 years... Whatever I was involved in I was manipulating the system to save money or time for drinking and drugs. The list is long and I never questioned it, until I got sober. I honestly don't know how I finally did get sober, aside from the obvious, because I was so programed (by myself) otherwise. So many rules, so much dysfunctional thinking.
But that's what happens to us when we grow up in a dysfunctional environment. Dad was gone in Navy, his father died when he was 2 so he pretty much figured that a child doesn't really need a father and didn't know how to be one anyway. The Navy was his family. I went to Catholic school and had the crap beat out of me just about daily for acting out. Mom was clinically depressed and an alcoholic that drank overtop of her medication and passed out daily. I was basically an only child, as my only older brother was mentally challenged and institutionalized (still is) from age 8. So I basically lived alone with this passed out person. An although mother had plenty of money there was often no food in the house. If there was it was minimal. I learned to live at friends houses that had food in the refrigerator lol. One of my friend's mother was Italian and loved me. She cooked dinner for me 3 times a week from age 15 to 18 till my friend went off to college.
That's about the time when it stopped being as much fun. I was watching my friends go off to college or work, get married, have kids, buy houses, and I was still partying. The oddest thing was that once in awhile there were these voices in my head voices of reason. My authentic self, who had been stuffed way in the back, was trying to get out, tell me to stop all the craziness. It would happen at something like 6 month intrivals or whenever I got into trouble, which was about that same time frame. I knew that drinking was the problem, but I also knew that drinking was the only thing that made life, as I knew it, possible. If there was only some way to moderate, marginalize Mr. Hyde, but that wasn't possible either.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 13th of August 2012 04:23:49 AM
With a little boy haircut, a little boy attitude and a little boys sense of responsibility. I like getting into mischief and I'm always a great puppydog-eyes apologizer. People close to me love me but they never expect much from me and deep down that suits me just fine. For some reason they let me get away with murder. This is the persona I've cultivated and perfected over the years without even realizing that I was doing it. It might not sound like a such a big thing but coming to the realization that you deal with life pretty much the same way you did when you were eight is pretty goddamn depressing. Well, no time like the present to make a change right! Time to put on my big boy pants and stop acting like a 30something Dennis the menace. So...how does someone go about doing that exactly :)
Heh. It took me forty years to realise I needed to grow up. It seems to be working but I'm not sure how. I just stayed sober and did my best trying to work the program, and so far it looks like I've gotten a lot more sensible - well, I haven't done anything stupid for a fair while anyway, and people don't facepalm when I tell them what I've been doing - and when you come from a low base that's a big achievement. I've still got my sense of the ridiculous though. I don't want to lose that.
Hi Tipsy, Im a 26 year old turning 27. I live in a 1 bd apartment by myself and Im "the biggest loser" Saddest thing of all if I had had one friend in the last 5-10 years I'd probably of been running around a lot happier. I dont drink, I dont smoke, I dont do drugs, Im extremely clean and tidy, I eat really healthy -AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE!! IM ALSO AN AVID READER OF DIFFERENT BOOKS AND- --Do you see what I mean? I remember when I knew this girl named Kourtney,I loved her, I loved her so much and no we never got together. Im not even gonna get into it but I was "Really cool" I'm not even sure anything's wrong with me, I get paranoid a lot but I go to the doctor, Im apparently ok??... What do I sound like here??? am I 26?? 27?? am I a big grownup who needs a job and a girlfriend?? maybe if I grow up. Gotta go be paranoid and sad about my parents now and eat some health crap...
Its not easy, you are not alone.
gonna go curl up near the radio and feel morbid about my family/ everything else in my "Terrible" life.
Haha tipsy.. Yup that's me, also.. Except I had the dimples working in my favor. I'd just crack a joke, flash a smile "sincerely" apologize and, man, the bs I got away with. I dunno, just woke up one day and realized that this was cute when I was, say, 22, but at 36 this act had worn people out.. It's kinda pathetic. But, slowly, I'm maturing.
Hey Tipsy, The program is funny in that when you are sober and working the steps, a bunch of other parts of your life start to fix themselves. The honesty part of the program becomes non deniable, and you tackle things head on--with sometimes brutal honesty. The thing is that as tough as the inner reflection seems to be, you see that the end result is someone you like a lot better, which gives you the ability to look the world in the eye with a clear conscience. How to fix it? Honesty and humility. Trust yourself. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
With a little boy haircut, a little boy attitude and a little boys sense of responsibility. I like getting into mischief and I'm always a great puppydog-eyes apologizer. People close to me love me but they never expect much from me and deep down that suits me just fine. For some reason they let me get away with murder. This is the persona I've cultivated and perfected over the years without even realizing that I was doing it. It might not sound like a such a big thing but coming to the realization that you deal with life pretty much the same way you did when you were eight is pretty goddamn depressing. Well, no time like the present to make a change right! Time to put on my big boy pants and stop acting like a 30something Dennis the menace. So...how does someone go about doing that exactly :)
Hey Tipsy, ... ...
Wow man, what you just shared shows me that you just changed a lot, recently ... This is the most truthful, honest, and meaningful post I've read from you ... you've removed the compulsion for me to be blunt and mean to you ... Congratulations man ... I don't know about the others, but I'm impressed ...
So...how does someone go about doing that exactly :)
Simply make sobriety your 1st priority ... at the beginning of each and every day ... TODAY is all that matters man ... cause when we drink, we become USELESS from that point on ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
It's funny you brought this up. Just last night I was talking to God and thanking Him for how comfortable I feel in my own skin now. I tried to figure out just what it was that had changed and I think a big part of it is that I feel more "grown up". It's strange that admitting I am powerless seems to go along with that, since I always thought of grown ups as having all the power. I think too that I have always been very afraid in life and thought that adults were immune to that. So, the less I operate from a place of fear, the more mature I seem to feel. Integrity plays a role too. Now that I value it I seem to no longer need to just be "a kid".
The really cool thing is while I believe I am less childish now, I also believe I am more childlike. I feel a sense of wonder about the world, am willing to ask for help and to admit I don't know everything. I am willing to experience and express feelings from a more honest place. I never would have thought having my obsession for alcohol lifted would have such a ripple effect in my entire existence. I'm pretty humble and grateful that it did.
Good to hear from you! :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
So...how does someone go about doing that exactly :)
I don't know but now that I'm sober, not being an ass cause I'm drunk and not sneaking around getting high I find it easier to accept the way that I am otherwise. People can either like me or not and it's ok. I'm no longer in the business of trying to 'prove' to people that I'm normal.
That post is like words from my own mouth....Those thoughts started hitting around 3 months sober. It was the 4th step and then 5 through 9 that changed it. And it happened over months... At about 2 years sober, i could say I felt like a grown up - still a grown up with problems, but not like what you described here. I felt like an incompetent child for the first 2 years of sobriety. There were ups and downs but it was a painful growth experience. It was so worth it though Tipsy.... You can do this a day at a time.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Like Dean said, our emotional growth is greatly stunted from the use. The main point of the steps and program is to help us grow up emotionally. Selfishness, self pity, anger, resentment, sex conduct, honesty.
Admitting powerlessness , getting out of self will, admitting our faults to others, making restitution and correcting past wrongs, taking resposibility for our recovery, taking responsibility for any friggin thing. Doing anything of service for someone other than myself, continue to take personal inventory, grow along spiritual lines.
All this stuff was totally foriegn to me, but when we do it to the best of our abilities we start to like who we are and we stop wanting to hide in the bottle.
Interesting thing, I was just talking to a sponcee who is about 1 yr 9 mos sober and he was commenting on how I, other AA's, his parents, people at his work where treating him different now. It will happen, keep up the work.
Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I read it and came back and read it again and came back and read it again and all the responses and I remember that is how I did "it". I hung around with winners and I listened and then I tried to duplicate as best I could what they did just cause I knew I'd get a different result that if I continued to do it on my own still. It became okay for me to stop "cute" and become teachable (humble). This is a different post from you Tip...like you're looking thru a new set of eyes getting a more mature vision of where you've been, what you've gone thru and where you might want to go. Don't get scared like little boys do in strange territory and run back to old neighborhoods...stay with us and share how its going for you so we can learn also and one other thing you might try which helped me soooo much when I was that little boy still and felt I was walking in a dense dark forest. Stop and stand still, I looked down at my feet to get a handle on where I was at for that minute and then I'd look straight up thru the tree tops and ask..."where do you want me"? HP could always see me and tell me how to move...HP will do a Tipsy also. Thanks for the ESH.
