My best friend who i got sober with a year and a half ago relapsed 2 days ago. When she told me this morning, it made me question my own sobriety. I feel so lost and confused, I know I can't let my sobriety be dependant on her, but I feel so different now. She is saying she is sick of A.A., the people are messed up and she wants to be able to drink still but not all the time. I feel like drinking too, but not all the time but I know it doesn't work that way.
That happens to all of us. Sobriety is a gift and not all that receive it keep it. If fact it is said that we need to give it away (helping others get sober) to keep it. There is no guaranty that if we walk out on our sobriety, that we can or will want to come back. Often tragic things happen when those with some time relapse. It's been my experience that after some time sober, the disease is much worse. It is true that AA ruins your drinking. If I were you, I'd encourage your friend to come back in but tell her that you'll meet her at meetings. Obviously it could be detrimental to your sobriety to hang with her if she decides to stay "out". Stick with the winners. A year and a half is not alot of time. It takes a couple years sober to develop and get comfortable with our "sober identity". For me it was about 3 years. You can tell when it doesn't feel awkward any longer to tell someone that you don't drink, or that you don't feel electrified when someone offers you a drink. At least that's how it was for me. Hang in there.
My best friend who i got sober with a year and a half ago relapsed 2 days ago. When she told me this morning, it made me question my own sobriety. I feel so lost and confused, I know I can't let my sobriety be dependant on her, but I feel so different now. She is saying she is sick of A.A., the people are messed up and she wants to be able to drink still but not all the time. I feel like drinking too, but not all the time but I know it doesn't work that way.
Thank you for sharing your feelings, lotusgrl. First things first: your sobriety is paramount. Do what you have to to resolve the event for yourself: share, prayer, discuss with sponsor, read, go to meetings, etc.
Then try to help her in any way you can, which may include leaving her alone for awhile.
It took me a few months in AA to realize that some people dropped out along the way. I had a hard time understanding that. It confused me too. It made me feel scared. I didn't like it.
I got told early on that we all sit in a dead man's chair at meetings. That is that at some point somebody sat in that chair before going back out to drink and, in some cases, die. It happens. It's sad, and the door is always open for the return, but it happens.
Whatever her reasons were for going back out there are, don't make them yours. Remember how much it had beaten you up and how you felt when you first decided to get help, because that's all that is waiting out there for you.
This has happened to most of us I think. Remember alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It may even look like your friend is having a good time "out there" for a bit. I don't know how long I might be able to survive drinking again. I wonder if it might be fun for a night, a month....then I think I might get a DUI or die the same night I take my first drink. I don't know. For me - I don't want to find out. I know how much alcoholism destroyed my life. I have to remember always what led me to AA.
One of my best friends relapsed out of AA - she doesn't drink like she used to but now is a huge pothead....like daily... Addiction doesn't just go away like that. It is sad that people stray and don't follow the course. A year and a half is a good chunk of sobriety time. It was at about that time that I found myself more able to go places where alcohol was at and not feel tempted to drink. I could see how the thought might arise that you are "recovered." Not to underestimate the power of alcohol, but being sober just another few years, I now realize there's absolutely nothing that I don't do better sober. Drinking helps me with nothing. Is it fun to go out to a club and go dancing, yes. Is it fun to go meet friends out? Yes....sometimes. In order to do those things though, I have to be sober. I used to think drinking made me social and it was fun for that reason. It actually had reached a point of being antisocial for a long time and it impaired my functioning in almost every area.
It sucks to sit back and brace for a trainwreck but I suspect if you stick to your own program and wait to hear about life "out there" from your friend, it will just validate your reasons for staying sober more. None of us wind up at the door of AA by accident.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I heard when I came into AA that it's a selfish program. I've had people I know in my short time in AA go out and come back...Some...Not come back. I haven't heard one yet say it was better out there this time. I don't know if I'm being selfish...But I'd rather have someone else do my research for me. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. I recommend the same for you.
Someone asked me if I drank yesterday - which might be the first time ever actually, and I said "nope... I've drank enough to last me a lifetime". It just came out! It was totally natural, and completely honest!
Later, I realized that I have been not so secretly planning on drinking every year on my birthday. I've told my sponsor about it, and mentioned it here. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I have thought to myself many times - "hey, no one is forcing me to never drink again, it's still my choice." So I tell myself, I'm not going to drink today, and when my birthday comes, I'll think about it then. Well. It's not my birthday today, so we'll see what happens tomorrow, but I plan on doing the 1st step again when I wake tomorrow too, just like today.
So I'm wondering - have you and your friend worked through the steps?
I'm sorry for your loss regardless lotusgrl - it's a cunning baffling and powerful disease - and if I was you, I would focus on people with some really healthy happy sobriety for a while. There are so many people out there - millions - with a sober happy life because of this program... vs. dead or miserable - I am so grateful for my new life, and I'm so glad you took the time to share about how you feel about this. Keep sharing!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Glad you joined us ... We have a great family here ... I agree with the posts following yours ... especially StPeteDean ... 1 and 1/2 years is great, but like Dean said, it's just shy of the time needed to have that 'complete' make-over we seek ... It took me about the same time as Dean to become comfortable in my new 'sober skin' ... then when I had something I could give away, that was the 'icing' on the cake ... so to speak ...
I used to live in Aurora while serving in the military, years ago ... at Lowery AFB ... My 1st son was born there, at Fitzsimmons Army Hospital ... I'm sorry about the recent tragedy there in Aurora ... I'm sure it shook-up more than just the alcoholics in the area ... and I pray for those whose lives have been impacted by this ... I'm not sure what caused your friend to go over the edge, but when we see things happen that we cannot change, sometimes we give up ... and here in AA and on this web site, we learn we don't have to ... there is a reason we were saved from the horrors that are around us ... stick around and find out why!!!
God Bless you, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you everyone for your comments. @pappy: the shooting that happened is literally 5 minutes from my house:'( so thank you for your comment on that. Just so you kind of have more of an understanding about my situation, My friend and I have been friends for 11 years, she's been in and out of the program for the last 3-4 year's. I came in with her in 2011 for my first time. She finished her step work ans was recently sponsoring 3 women. I am now working on my 12th step with my sponsor. I guess I saw this coming with her, she has a lot of resentments and she's very selfish. I can just pray for her and hope that I don't go back out.
I understand about your friend ... But I hope you know and understand that we cannot help others until we work the program and learn to be rid of the resentments and learn how to deal with new ones when they pop up ... AND regarding selfishness, we must be selfish in the beginning, (our sobriety is everything) but then as we work the solution, we transform into a different person, a person that now has something that they CAN give away to others ... From the way I see it, your friend was trying hard to give away something she may not have had yet ... You concentrate on yourself right now ... you'll know when the time is right to start giving away what you have learned ...
Support your friend as best you can, but don't let her emotional ride take you to a place you don't need to be ... Be firm with her regarding the program and pray for her daily ... let her see your success and build up the desire for her to want what you have in the program ... If you haven't figured it out yet, AA has the solution not only to our drinking problem, but also to life's problems as well ...
God Bless, Pappy
P.S. I used to go to the 'Red Rocks' Amphitheater in the foothills and listen to John Denver 'in concert'
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
My best friend who i got sober with a year and a half ago relapsed 2 days ago. When she told me this morning, it made me question my own sobriety. I feel so lost and confused, I know I can't let my sobriety be dependant on her, but I feel so different now. She is saying she is sick of A.A., the people are messed up and she wants to be able to drink still but not all the time. I feel like drinking too, but not all the time but I know it doesn't work that way.
Stick to your program and everything will be alright. We'll pray for your friend.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 10th of August 2012 01:36:42 AM
