Might be a good idea to give him the benefit of the doubt. Having a beer is one thing but intentional disrespect is another. It's likely overt rather than covert. At some point, when you're comfortable with your sobriety, it won't bother you if he has an occasional beer. On the other hand, it's ok for you to set boundaries. It's better if we can do that in a civil manner. It takes some practice but what I've realized is that it's more well received if I can be nice about it.
I had a hard time in early sobriety as well Tasha, and with similar results too. Some of my relatives loved to brew their own beer, which for me meant trouble with a capital 'T'. During the first 6 months or so of my sobriety, though, they started to annoy me with their never ending beer facts. Then, they would drink beer after beer with no regard to my situation, or so I thought. Years later, I finally realized what was happening to me, I became irrational. What I thought was disrespect actually turned out to be resentment, courteous of me. So I let it go instead, and started to work on myself, more and more.
After 11 years sober and many more troubling scenarios I started to think more clearly. And so will you. Like Dean said: At some point, when you're comfortable with your sobriety, it won't bother you if he has an occasional beer. On the other hand, it's ok for you to set boundaries". Amen Dean...its okay to set some boundaries Tasha, but don't fortify them with unreasonable demands. Healthy boundaries are the key here, so make your position known and then prioritize what comes next, your sobriety. That's a sweet reward just for you.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 6th of August 2012 03:03:50 AM
My husband and I have been stressed and bickering all day. He has not drank (that I know of) since I began AA. I never told him not to, he never said he was going to quit too, he just doesn't really drink anyway.
Tonight, he came in, as it seemed to me, with revengeful drinking in front of me. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw it. Was more than a slap in the face. Not sure how to handle it, but I did voice that I thought it was pretty disrespectful, and that a quick - "hey, do you mind" would be more respectful. I told him I didn't mind the actual drinking, just the disrespect, but he dumped it and told me I must since I brought it up and was bitching at him. I was kind of using a bitchy voice.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Might be a good idea to give him the benefit of the doubt. Having a beer is one thing but intentional disrespect is another. It's likely overt rather than covert. At some point, when you're comfortable with your sobriety, it won't bother you if he has an occasional beer. On the other hand, it's ok for you to set boundaries. It's better if we can do that in a civil manner. It takes some practice but what I've realized is that it's more well received if I can be nice about it.
Unmanagable over people, places and things. Not just my own drinking. Looks like selfishness and selfcenteredness has brought itself to your forefront thinking he needs to "be more respectful". My expectations of others seem to play a lot into se of these things too. I can't have expectations of how people should be because then they can't do anything but let me down. Just my experience.
__________________
Willingness without action is fantasy!
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
Hey Tasha. I see your point, and I am sure it was hard to grasp why it happened, but we humans do stupid things sometimes. If I was you I would feel a bit let down by the situation, but as SP Dean says, its probably better to let this one slide. You have already let him know your position, so if he was doing it out of spite, I am sure he feels bad and it would be easier to let him slide on the situation. If it continues and it is spiteful behavior, it becomes a situation that needs to be addressed because it could affect your sobriety, but lets not jump there yet. Let things cool down for a few hours and then talk it out. Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Hey Tasha...You have to remember drinking is your problem...Not his. My sponsor had me read pages 86 to 88 everday for my first 90 days....I still read those pages...Check them out...Do what they say....Keep on keeping on!
Tasha, I can relate to the stressed out and bickering part of your post. In my world, that was a daily part of my life for a very, very long time. Now, it still happens, but much less frequently. It doesn't seem to last as long either. My husband has pretty much stopped drinking too, since I have been in AA. Not because I asked him to, it has been his choice. Alcohol is my problem, not his. Never has been his except when my drinking caused our lives to be a living hell. Perhaps when your husband walked in drinking a beer, he was doing just that, drinking a beer. But it seemed so much more than that to you, given the circumstances. On the one or two occasions my husband has had a drink in my presence, it has been a drink, maybe two. I must admit, at first it was hard, mostly because I was pissed that I couldn't do what he can. That being stop after one or two. Maybe you interpeted your husband's drinking in front of you as spite because of the bickering you guys had going on, while he probably never gave it a thought past having a beer. Probably didn't even think about how you would react or might feel. Only that he wanted a beer, so he was having one. Guys can be like that. (Sorry guys, just my experience here ) One thing I have realized over the past year and a half is that the only person I can change is myself. My actions, reactions. So use the new tools you've been given to express how you feel, but maybe leave out the "bitchy voice" part. Since I am learning how to do that, my relationship is improving. We don't bicker as much. My husband is listening to what I have to say instead of immediately going on the defensive, which puts me on the defensive, etc. etc. When we do bicker, I say the serenity prayer in my head to give me time enough to pause and think, "Do I really want to say that? If the answer is yes, I do, but usually in a quieter and calmer manner. Sometimes I don't say anything, just remove myself from the situation until I can think and speak from a rational rather than emotional standpoint. PS If your hubby wants to drink and you're not there yet, maybe ask him to drink out in the barn with Oreo. (((hugs))) Peace
__________________
I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
In my mind I couldn't handle having alcohol in my home or anyone I was super close to drinking around me for the first year. I needed to believe that alcohol was evil and it took a while for it to become that alcohol was evil....but really just for me. I don't remember how good of a job I did at owning that this was my issue and noth others'.
I only had someone "drink at" me 1 time and that was cuz me and my ex were breaking up at the time when I got sober. I had come over to get more of my belongings and he was drinking right from a bottle and waved it in my face and went "mmmm alcohol. I love drinking!" cuz he knew I was going to AA by then. If anything, that helped me detach further and stay the course.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
pinkchip wrote:I only had someone "drink at" me 1 time and that was cuz me and my ex were breaking up at the time when I got sober. I had come over to get more of my belongings and he was drinking right from a bottle and waved it in my face and went "mmmm alcohol. I love drinking!" cuz he knew I was going to AA by then. If anything, that helped me detach further and stay the course.
Heh. I probably would have laughed and replied with "Ahhh, yes. Now I remember why I don't drink anymore: it turned me into an immature fool".
It's a tough one to answer though. While it's my problem and not someone else's, it's also something that has to be carefully dealt with because sobriety trumps everything else. The advice on the boundaries seems the best line to walk. Hopefully some give and take from both sides will sort it out.
It is hard to lose the idea that when people do things, they are mostly not doing them "to" anyone...not like they were physically assaulting you. Even if his intention WAS to hurt you, you still chose to feel disrespected. You could have chosen to laugh at his cluelessness.
great points here - we have spoke about it and worked it out thanks to all of your help and my sponsors.
I loved what everyone said here - verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry grateful for this message board and the variety of thoughts from everyone - I need each one. Thanks so much!
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
)