Hello everybody! I wonder if anyone can give me some advice?
I've made the decision to give up alcohol entirely as it makes me so ill. I feel really relieved as so much of my life was put on hold whilst I recovered but I also feel really anxious. I'm 43 and I've never had to face a social situation without a drink since I was about 18. When I break it down my problems appear to be this:
All my best friends and my family are big drinkers. I know they're going to be really angry / disappointed with me if I become teetotal because I will spoil their fun. Sadly, the truth is I am not so much fun when I'm sober because I get bored more easily and find it harder to talk to people.
I am currently on the dating scene. If I dont drink on my dates, the men might perceive me as boring or strange. They might not want to date me because I might not be fun.
Without alcohol, socialising is actually more boring (??)
OK, I realise this is probably raising issues about my personality and emotional maturity as well as how I use alcohol :) I desperately need a social life though - one of my greatest needs as a human being is other people, but everything seems to revolve around alcohol socially. I dont want to stay at home on my own but I dont know how to manage other peoples expectations, or even what to do without alcohol when I'm out.
I'd really appreciate it if anyone else told me how they managed things, or good excuses for not drinking?
WOW, ... so you just decided to stop drinking, ... and your life was put 'on hold' while you recovered ??? ... And really all you are searching for is a way to relieve your anxiety around your old friends and family without drinking ??? ... Is that what your looking for ??? ...
Most of us here go to frequent AA meetings weekly ... so this has become our major social contact system ... depending on our progress in the AA program and steps, we can and do go to other public and family functions with impunity ... we have learned to enjoy life around others who drink by sipping 'club soda' if necessary, or a Dr. Pepper, Coca-Cola, Ginger Ale, etc. ... Our 'way-of-life' provides us all the enjoyment we want without the anxiety or fear ... we have learned that we don't 'NEED' alcohol/drugs to have fun ...
I am unclear as to whether or not, your life is 'Unmanageable' ... When was your last drink ? ... are you past any 'DT's' or withdrawals from stopping drinking ? ... Have you tried to stop in the past ? ... and were you successful ? ... I think you may need to reveal a little more about yourself before we can help guide you in the direction you desire ...
Note: You can get about all the human contact you can handle in AA, if you make a choice to join us and your local group ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Welcome to the site needmyarmour....How long have you been without a drink? You talk about how you are when you are sober...I'm curious if you even know what you are like when you are sober?....I had the same fears that you have....I was loaded with fear....Something these steps helped me deal with. What is your experience with AA?
My social life was ENDING when I started drinking... it was increased depression that led me to start drinking... and I did it at home alone... and just enough to stay a little "tipsy" at work to make time fly faster until I'd go home and drink even more--by myself.
I used to have a verrrry active social life... and NEVER needed drinking. very few of my friends drink. They say birds of a feather flock together... if these friends are going to think less of you if/when you stop drinking... evaluate your friendships with them... If the sober you met them just today... would you become friends with that person? Start going to social events where the others don't drink! AA meetings has been suggested above. Religious/church activities. I'm not suggesting you get into THIS just to avoid alcohol... but I used to go to a lot of events that (to the surprise of many newcomers) did not ALLOW alcohol at all... these were BDSM events. Sorry to mention such an "adult" thing... I'm just giving an example of how I personally have had fun social activity without drinking. There's also book groups... I don't know of any that have attendees sitting around drinking, lol. Go to the library and see if any regularly meet there. Also check out meetup.com it might sound like a dating site but it's not. You put in your interests, your location, and it looks in your area for people who gather to hang out and have fun on various topics... there are meetup groups that get together for dance events, to play board games, to discuss books, etc etc etc etc
I have a xanax prescription due to major social anxiety... sitting at home with no life made me suffer depression... but going out and being social gave me major social anxiety. Big catch 22 (I think that's the phrase, lol). My doctor prescribed me xanax to ease the social anxiety... and it worked miraculously!! However... this is a medication that can easily be abused so if you have an addictive personality, this might not be the best option for you. Talk to your doctor...
That's all that's coming to mind... I might have more input later.
Alcohol dependence HINDERS (not helps) MY social life...
-- Edited by TigressErica on Saturday 28th of July 2012 10:35:17 PM
It wasn't an easy transition for me either, at least not in the very beginning. For most people my age they adapted rather quickly to their new social setting, but for me it became more of a struggle. I felt a bit out of sorts, which made recovery that much harder. For me, alcohol seemed to be social lubricant I was looking for, but only for a brief period of time. Then, it became a total liability after that. So I decided to quit.
It took me over 2 months before I felt comfortable talking about my addiction, let alone with anyone else. It took me another 6 months just to feel right again, thank God. After that, my life started to improve dramatically. So give time, time and recovery that much more, it can only benefit you long term.
As far as progress goes, I don't have a series of timetables to go by and either does A.A. They have a 12 step process instead. They recommend we do the steps in their entirety, so we can achieve our ultimate goal...lasting sobriety. So I suggest you start that process by attending your first meeting. Then, you can start working the steps after that. Where you end up from there is entirely up to you, but, again, it must start somewhere. So let it start with you. Welcome, again to "MIP".
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 31st of July 2012 12:55:21 AM
Meetings meetings meetings.... I swear that it will resocialize you in the best way possible. First off, people in AA have been where you are at. We know how raw and strange it feels to do anything without at drink and it stays that way for a good year or more for many of us. AA is the place to practice your sober social skills with other people who have the same issues. After I socialized with mostly AA folks for a bit over a year (tons of meetings, fellowship, getting active in service), I then was able to reintroduce myself into society at large more fully and as a confident sober individual. Truly nobody cares that I don't drink. I am fully capable of acting loving, caring, wonderful, stupid, mean...good, bad...whatever. I have a full life and a full range of emotions and experiences now and I can learn from those experiences. It did not happen over night. It can and will happen through AA if you want.
Also, I can tell you that none of my friends cared that I stopped drinking. By the time I got sober it was so obvious to anyone that really cared that I NEEED TO BADLY stop drinking that even the hardcore drinkers I might have still been friendly with wanted what was best for me - which was to be sober. If you have family or friends that would try to sabotage you....put them on hold until you rebuild a sober support network.
In order to be social, to have a relationship, to enjoy family - you have to have a life. To have a life we (as alcholics) need to be sober.
Anyhow, my heart goes out to you because I know what it feels like to be staring up at a mountain of uncertainty regarding what a sober life will be like. I promise you that if you stick with AA and continue doing like you just did here (sharing and getting feedback....showing up and learning) you will not just stay sober, but you will cherish your sobriety.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
All my best friends and my family are big drinkers. I know they're going to be really angry / disappointed with me if I become teetotal because I will spoil their fun. Sadly, the truth is I am not so much fun when I'm sober because I get bored more easily and find it harder to talk to people.
I am currently on the dating scene. If I dont drink on my dates, the men might perceive me as boring or strange. They might not want to date me because I might not be fun.
Without alcohol, socialising is actually more boring (??)
Welcome. A few things come to mind for me when reading your post:
1) Anyone who cares about you - really cares about you - will understand if you decide to tell them that you are making the choice not to drink. Many of them might actually be relieved, even if it doesn't seem like it now. I have friends and family that I am afraid to tell as well, but I am quickly coming to the conclusion that anyone who is selfish enough to put their own social comfort before my fundamental happiness obviously doesn't love and care about me.
2) Sometimes we think we are more fun when we are drinking than we actually are. When we say stupid things, black out, puke, get so drunk that we can't drive, and ultimately make people take care of us, we are definitely no fun for the people around us. I understand exactly where you're coming from, but I am learning that in time sobriety can actually make us a lot more present, funnier, and better able to pay attention to what people are saying. That's more fun for people than nursing a drunk person.
3) It sounds to me like you are having general social anxiety that has long been remedied with alcohol. I completely understand this because I have the same problem. But seriously... if people around you are unwilling to accept that you are taking steps to make yourself happy, they are being selfish. Also, if you're someone who has snuck as many drinks as I have, you've no doubt become adequate at doing things on the sly. Sometimes you can stay totally sober in a room full of people drinking and they won't even notice if you don't make a big deal out of it.
Just my two cents. Good luck on the journey. Stick with it.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Howdy!!! For me, I did all my drinking at home alone, I had no social life ,and I was defintely bored and boring. Since I started going to AA and participating in the program, working the steps, I have a life. I can go to social functions where alcohol is being served , not drink, and not be dull or boring. In fact, when the drinking gets to a certain point, I leave, as it becomes dull and boring to me. And unlike in my past, I can remember what I did and don't have any apologies to make for my actions or behavior. I have more friends, more things to do, and more of a life since becoming sober than I ever had while drinking. It didn't start out that way, in fact, at first I thought "My life is over. How am I ever going to have fun again???" Mind you, I'm 52, so not exactly a youngster, still this was how I felt. Once I asked for the help that was there from day one in the face to face meetings I go to, I began to form new relationships with people who understand me, who ask me to go places and do things or maybe just hang out and watch TV. Sometimes I have more to do than I can fit in. If you haven't been to a face to face meeting yet, I suggest you give it a try. All you have to do is Goggle AA in your area and you can find one. If you are afraid or embaressed to go alone, call their hotline. They will find someone to come get you or meet you there. Contrary to what you are feeling, your life is not over if you choose AA and sobriety. It is not easy, but it is simple. And you will find that your life is just beggining. As one member of my homegroup likes to say, you will be given a "do-over" How cool is that??? Not everyone gets that opportunity, but in AA, it's there if you're willing to do the work. So, Welcome....Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
I thought I was not socially acceptable because I'm in college and don't drink, here has been my recent experience:
"On my way home from work today, I stopped by the 7-11. There was a boy who pulled up as I was leaving and he called my name. We did the usual catch up thing... New tatoo? How's your band? College? Parents? Significant others? And he asks my number and says we should hang out some time. Ok, sure. So he asks... Do you drink? And I just said no. I didn't give a shameful look or mutter the word and it sort of came naturally. And you know what? He didn't even skip a beat. Ok he said... Maybe star bucks or something. It didn't even phase him. He didn't ask anything or look at me strange. And here I thought every one was drinking. Apparently my life can be "normal" and fun with out drinking. Thank god lol "
this was my post titled "I'm not abnormal?"
-- Edited by Neophyte on Saturday 28th of July 2012 11:26:04 PM
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
Hello Needmore and welcome to the board. Your fears are standard fair and shared amongst us all, early on, I'm sure. The perception that "everyone drinks" is just part of the obsession with alcohol. The reality is that more folks don't drink or are currently not drinking as they are "occasional" drinkers, which means a half dozen, or less times a year. We all have to put in some time "building our sober identity" and making a life for ourselves. I thought the same thing as you did about how to date without drinking and actually it was easier and more enjoyable. As far as meeting people, after I got and stayed sober for awhile, it was no problem. What you're discounting is that when you get sober, you'll be attracting people that don't drink. And chances are that you'll be thought of by folks close to you as someone they would want introduce to one of their friends. That's what happened for me. I wound up meeting my wife, 20 years ago, who of course is awesome, and turned out to be a diabetic who can't drink, or at least not much. lol. As far as your family goes, well most of us do have alcoholism woven throughout our family, as this is a family disease. That meant that many of us had to limit the time we spent around our family of origin while getting sober. But, in AA you develop a new family "of choice". Not that they can replace your family but it does feel like we're all family, even on this board. Best thing to do is to put away your fears and preconceptions, work the steps with a sponsor, and get sober. It's a commitment, and it takes time, but the rewards are infinite over time. Good luck in your new journey.
;) Geez... am I what this site needed? Somebody who has had a major social life prior to drinking? (I'm not full of myself... I swear, lol) Those ideas rattled off the top of my brain with barely any thinking... another way to look for fun social stuff is to go get the local community newspapers, often offered for free at the library or grocery store... look for local events. Google to see if your city, or surrounding cities have official websites because they often have events planned and listed in a calendar on their sites.
I am currently on the dating scene. If I dont drink on my dates, the men might perceive me as boring or strange. They might not want to date me because I might not be fun.
Only the ones that don't matter. If that is one of their markers of what they look for in a date then I can only hope my daughter never goes near people like that when she grows up.
Thank you very much for your input everyone! I really liked reading about how people met their wives, got involved with BDSM and were actually more interesting without alcohol!! There's hope, right? And yes, Frodo, I had considered that , but its very confusing - because a man might not necessarily be a predator but still might not want to date a non-drinking woman because she cant provide companionship for his own drinking. Trouble is, that will probably be most men because we live in a drinking culture. But all I can do is carry on, and it did help to get those positive glimpses into peoples' lives.
My own background is that I used to be a very serious drinker in my twenties and I completely wrecked my life at that time. My life is still wrecked from that. I managed to stabilise a bit in my thirties but still drank quite a lot. Nowadays, I only drink once or twice a week (just a few glasses of wine) but become really ill when I do so. I'm completely incapable of functioning the following day which is why I just want to give it up entirely. But I think I do have some kind of social anxiety as one of the posters suggested and alcohol is absolutely my crutch, it just seems terrifying to be without it because I dont want to face up to my own boredom without it, nor the idea that other people dont value me without me providing drinking companionship. Because, apart from dating, I'm talking about people I've known for decades.
On a good note, I went for a 10 mile walk with Ramblers today and managed to socialise with no alcohol! And enjoyed it! It was intersting though, cos I met a woman who said she would like to go out with me socially but seemed really put out when I said I dont drink. So the pressure's always there!
But thank you for your support, I really appreciate it. I had a look at the 12 step programme but I dont think i could do it because I'm not religious. But maybe if I dont drink much alcohol anymore , I might not really be an alcoholic, just someone who cant imagine dealing with other people without it? (?)
In my experience - folks that cannot imagine socializing without alcohol are typically alcoholics, as are those that haven't been sober through social situations since adolescence. It doesn't matter that much what I think though becauses it is what you believe that matters. When it came to me deciding that I was an alcholic....I railed against it for a long time and wanted to find all sorts of other reasons. AA is a spiritual program and not a religious one also. It's a difficult distinction to make. If you decide you need help, we are here for you. If you have specific questions also... You are always welcome here.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
And yes, Frodo, I had considered that , but its very confusing - because a man might not necessarily be a predator but still might not want to date a non-drinking woman because she cant provide companionship for his own drinking. Trouble is, that will probably be most men because we live in a drinking culture. But all I can do is carry on, and it did help to get those positive glimpses into peoples' lives.
Heh. I wasn't really thinking predator. Just shallow and immature. It seems a pretty sad reason to put a line through someone. My girlfriend drinks and it's no issue of mine that she does. Also it's no issue of hers that I don't (and me being the constant designated driver is pretty useful to her. Ha.) It's not that I sit in the corner sobbing because I can't drink with her. That's not how the program works if you are doing it right. We have fun, we go where we want and do what we feel like. About the only restriction on my social life with her is that I can't share a meal with her that has had alcohol used in it (we like to get a couple of different plates and share). That's really it. If she felt like she couldn't have a good time because I wasn't drinking with her I'd thank her for the memories, grab my hat and ride off into the sunset because I know that out there there will be many, many woman where it wouldn't even cross their mind.
first i would urge you to just check out a meeting or two, go and listen carefully to what people say and see if you hear your won story in theirs, *NOTE* (Agonstics and Atheist attend aa meeting all the time and always have)
In more general terms i felt the same way about my friends when i quit drinking i was shocked however that even the heaviest drinkers among them were very supportive. Second i learned tha at all those social occasions i was so afraid of there are always other people drinking soda, coffee , water, even in bars, clubs and parties if thats your thing ( i just never noticed them). Third once i gave the program a chance, worked the steps- grew emotionally- and became more self confident i found to my surprise that sociallizing without alcohol is actually more fun alcohol was clouding my mind and preventing me from really connecting with people in those situations. Finally dating i am divorced and have dated sober women from aa and normal drinkers as well, i have and do tell women that its ok to drink around me at a social funtion but if they get drunk they would find themselves alone and that i'd prefer they not drink when we are alone. Bottom line i would not ever date a woman who couldn't socialize without alcohol. (i meet for first date in coffee shops)
Only you can diecide if you are an alcoholic or not but i am going tell you that the fact that you can't imagine socializing without alcohol is a huge red flag. Good luck and pleas stick around and keep reading
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Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Romans 8:6 , The Message
I have more friends, more things to do, and more of a life since becoming sober than I ever had while drinking.