I feel like I hear a lot about alcohol being a "cunning" disease. I would agree. All one has to do is look up "cunning" in a thesaurus to see how ugly the concept really is. And, for me, alcohol has embodied it for the past ten years.
About six months ago, when I realized that I needed to stop drinking and began intentionally trying to stop for days at a time, I noticed my mind and body experiencing a series of thoughts and feelings that made drinking seem like a necessity. These five were the most common, and usually in this order:
1. Extreme, soul-crushing anxiety. Usually starting on day two of sobriety, I would get so anxious that I couldn't function. Then I would think to myself that if I only had one drink, I would be okay. Just one...
2. Sadness. When I managed to get through the anxiety, sadness would set in and I would find myself feeling depressed about how much time I have wasted drinking, or focus on other flaws I have. Oddly, drinking always seemed like the best solution. Again, just one...
3. Irritability. When I talked myself out of drinking to alleviate sadness, I would get incredibly irritable and EVERYTHING would grate on my nerves and really piss me off. This is particularly strange because I am general a very calm person. I would think to myself that if only I had one drink, I could get more level-headed.
4. Non-chalance. Probably the most persuasive, this feeling that crops up after irritability is something that basically says, "You've done a great job! Go you! You deserve to have just one drink to celebrate. It's a nice day out! Life is great! You deserve a drink! Just one!"
5. Total desperation. When I've managed to push through all of the above, I have gone into desperation, at which people my brain has basically gone blank and I've gone through the mechanical motions of pouring a drink while shutting down any voice of opposition. Once that switch clicks, this is the hardest for me to fight.
After a few weeks of sobriety, most of the feelings tend to fade pretty significantly. But they are always lingering in the background. And I suppose this is why perpetual support and accountability is so important. Ironically, I have very high levels of restraint when it comes to everything else in my life. Yet with alcohol, I feel like "it" looks for a way to pierce and flood in at any vulnerable point I have in my armor.
Cunning, sneaky, insidious... I want to break up :)
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Great share ... ... Indeed, ... I too, experienced all of the above ... the stronger my spiritual connection to God became, the less those emotions you listed affected me ... and now it just me and God on a daily basis ... only time I think of alcohol is when I'm here talking of how to beat it ...
Thanks and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Aloha Adam and thanks for the significant post...it's been a while since I've felt "those" feelings because it's been a while since I relied upon alcohol as a major part of my life. I pray you stick around and continue in the program with your recovery cause other significant feelings are in store...Happy, Joyous and Free for example. Working a good program of recovery you can also attain the cunning powerful and baffling status of the disease as you move deeper and longer into sobriety. Yes the compulsions and memories at times are still there for me and I know more ways than I ever suspected about how to quickly and easily get past them. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it.
And this is how I know I have the same disease as you - no way could someone have written out EXACTLY word for word how my mind thinks about alcohol, if they did not have the exact same disease as me.
The hardest part for me was getting past not being able to "break up". I really had no problem comprehending the fact that I have major big time full blown alcoholism. That was a no brainer. The part I didn't want to admit, was that I couldn't get rid of it. That I couldn't be cured. That I had a mental disorder that would need to be treated for the rest of my life.
Luckily, it was mentioned to me that I only had to worry about treating it TODAY, and that's actually been kind of a blast!
I absolutely loved, and was astounded by the description of my life in your post.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
