I was having the funniest dream... one that I would have eagerly gone back to sleep hoping to continue in normal circumstances...
In my dream... I had superhero powers... I don't think I was a superhero or villain... just somebody with powers. But somebody found out and he was blackmailing me, despite the fact that (with my powers) I could pulverize him... I was trying my hardest to get him into legal trouble for blackmailing me without inadvertaintly letting the cops know I had powers either...
But finally my rage (which I never had before I started drinking) took over and I reached out to grab him by the neck... and I did this with such force and did this in real life because I REALLY reached out in rage and knocked my glasses on the stand beside me across the room, which is what woke me up.
So I was frantically and blindly trying to find my dang glasses but I was still filled with this irrational rage even though I was now awake!!! And now I'm fighting against having a drink so so so very badly.
Why am I posting this? Um... I dunno... maybe so that I'm typing instead of drinking. Also because I think my dream represented some real life struggles... I'll be vague, even though in my intro post I was more specific about my religion... The religion/denomination I've gone to is a pacifist one... one that does not believe in violence for any reason. One that teaches basically that if somebody hits you... you still don't hit back. I don't know how much I agree with that... there are circumstances where I feel it is acceptable to fight back with force... such as if you life is in danger or somebody is being physically abusive towards YOU... but in general... I think it's nice to try and peacefully resolve fights.
Whooooooo! This rambling typing actually got me past that severe urge to pick up one of the many bottles I was stumbling through to find my glasses. Where did that RAGE come from?? Somebody said I should ask myself if I like where alcohol takes me... Now I'm thinking a better more specific question for ME is whether or not I like how it is morphing my behaviors and personality even when I'm NOT drinking!
So I won the battle against drinking today for this hour so far... geez... sometimes I think rehab or something is the only thing that will help me.
-- Edited by TigressErica on Friday 27th of July 2012 04:38:00 PM
But think of it this way... if/when I cave in and decide to drink... I'm GOING to drink... whether I already have a bottle in my room or not. If I don't, I'll be at the closest gas station buying some... so I may as well keep what I've already purchased around for when that situation arises so I'm not wasting even more money on a whole new bottle when I cave into my addiction :/
If I EVER come to the day when I am sober and happy and able to become a sponsor... I'll be keeping this in mind though and asking for a picture of my sponsees bedroom and ordering them to keep their living environment clean to help keep their mental state clean. Does that make sense? Would that be a weird thing for a sponsor to ask?
I'm sorry Erica, but to me, this is all total negativity ... If's and whens ... it's all a setup for failure before you even get one foot out of the door to a sober life ... It also seems that your job itself is a big factor in holding you back from any kind of sobriety ...
You sound like your at a cross roads in your life ... You should consider making a REAL decision right about now ... Read step 1 right now (pg. 59, BB) ... Is your life managable or not ... Is the way you are controlling your life making you happy, or not ... if you cannot manage your life, who will ??? ...
You have not yet become ready to accept defeat ... you have alcohol laying about, ready at your least little whim ... you are continuing to dig your hole deeper and deeper ...
__________________ ... get rid of all the alcohol and all the bottles, cans, and anything else that has alcohol in it ... toss it all ... that is your FIRST step in telling yourself, that you are serious ... Check into rehab if you have to ... definitely look for a different job, one without accessibility to alcohol ... or one without having to cleanup spilt drinks ...
You have to take 'action' to make these changes occur ... a decision alone is not enough ... I suggest you look for a different life manager to run your life ... Read the book, the Big Book of AA ... or keep doing what you're doing ... your choice ... but my BEST thinking got me a chair in the meeting rooms of AA ... Think about it ...
God Bless,
Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Friday 27th of July 2012 08:45:37 PM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
If you have a bunch of bottles around you...You should probably get rid of them.....I don't see what good purpose they would be serving you.....Good job on not picking up!....Give yourself credit for that.
Why am I posting this? Um... I dunno... maybe so that I'm typing instead of drinking.
-- Edited by TigressErica on Friday 27th of July 2012 04:38:00 PM
I can identify with this in a big way. I'm starting to realize that oftentimes when I feel the compulsion to drink, it is driven by an excess of emotion. When I get really sad or anxious or even excited about something, the first thing I want to do is reach for a drink to bring me back down. Sitting down to write it out, for me, brings me a lot of much-needed calm and makes me feel a lot less like I need to make the compulsive decision to get drunk. Also, there's something about actually writing through the urge to drink that I think can make me feel more accountable to myself. It's easier to succumb to the compulsion when we're trapped in our heads, I think :) Anyway, good for you for getting through this urge.
As far as rage goes... I don't know about you, but I never experienced irratibility the way I do now until I started drinking. I don't think this is universal for all people, but for me I think a subsconscious part of me is perpetually disappointed in myself for giving so much of my life to alcohol. As a result, when I'm in a mood, that disappointment manifests itself into anger and I feel the desire to drink again - ultimately confirming that alcoholism is a fiendish and cunning disease that will do anything to make us succumb to the craving. At least, that's been my experience. Thank goodness for the people and the resources who are there to help us move past it, eh?
-Adam
__________________
When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
If you have a bunch of bottles around you...You should probably get rid of them.....I don't see what good purpose they would be serving you.....Good job on not picking up!....Give yourself credit for that.
Well... my room is a major mess in general... and empty and mostly empty bottles make up a significant portion of that mess. The mess stays because when I try to clean my room... I just get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. If I was my sponsor... I would ORDER myself to get this room cleaned because I know that a neat and tidy environment leads to a neat and tidy mindset. But I'm not my sponsor and my sponsor doesn't know my room is such a mess :P
As for why I keep alcohol around... It's sort of a security blanket right now. It's mere presence does not tempt me to drink... if it did, then merely going to work would be more than a battle every day... it'd be more like a war... I have to stock the crap, and ring up loads of people buying alcohol... and have to deal with drunks all night every night. The worst is when I, or a coworker, accidentally drop or knock over a 6-pack of bottles and beer is spilled... even after mopping it up and cleaning up the glass, the odor sticks around. trigger trigger trigger trigger!!!!! THAT'S when it's REALLY tough... or when I can even smell alcohol on the customers.
But think of it this way... if/when I cave in and decide to drink... I'm GOING to drink... whether I already have a bottle in my room or not. If I don't, I'll be at the closest gas station buying some... so I may as well keep what I've already purchased around for when that situation arises so I'm not wasting even more money on a whole new bottle when I cave into my addiction :/
If I EVER come to the day when I am sober and happy and able to become a sponsor... I'll be keeping this in mind though and asking for a picture of my sponsees bedroom and ordering them to keep their living environment clean to help keep their mental state clean. Does that make sense? Would that be a weird thing for a sponsor to ask?
But think of it this way... if/when I cave in and decide to drink... I'm GOING to drink... whether I already have a bottle in my room or not. If I don't, I'll be at the closest gas station buying some... so I may as well keep what I've already purchased around for when that situation arises so I'm not wasting even more money on a whole new bottle when I cave into my addiction :/
You can't think like that....That's not you thinking. There are two mindsets you have here...The one that drinks...Creates chaos and remorse....And the one that's here typing talking about stopping. That's the one you listen to. You're doing great...Don't pick up today...No matter what....Don't listen to that when I'm going to fail crap....There is no place for that....And clean your room....You'll be amazed how much better you will feel. Keep moving forward...One day at a time.
My 2 cents? You're setting yourself up by keeping those bottles around, and creating a twisted logic to justify doing so.. Actually the alcoholism is creating this for you. My suggestion? Throw it ALL down the drain immediately. Of course it's a "security blanket". I serve booze for work as you do, but it's really tempting the fates by keeping it in your room.. You have no escape from temptation! At work its a professional environment..totally different ( for me, anyway).It seems as though you're simply setting yourself up to fail at your attempt to stop drinking. It's really that simple. Like I said, just my 2 cents.
Ok ok point taken... when I get home from work I'll be dumping and throwing it all out. To be honest... it was comments here AND a huge scare that made me decide to get rid of it all...
The scare...? I don't know where my flask is... it's usually ALWAYS in my back pocket and I can't find it now. I haven't drank from IT in about 4 days but still had it with me in case of panic attacks and "needed" a drink. I know it was in my pocket last night during work (but again... I didn't drink from it) and now I don't know where it is! What if it fell out of my pocket at work and they figure out it was mine? I really really hope it's in my mess of a bedroom... and if it is... I'll be thankful as hell but I realize now that keeping it around is risky for multiple reasons... I can't afford to lose my job! With my criminal record... especially the charge that finished up yesterday... it'd be damn near impossible to get a new job!
Personally, I think we need about 3 days without a drink, minimum, to even get close to reaching ... 'rational thought' ... I suspect very little of this is making sense right now to her ... Don't know about you, but my head was in a fog for days ... took me quite a while before anything made sense ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
If you have a bunch of bottles around you...You should probably get rid of them.....I don't see what good purpose they would be serving you.....Good job on not picking up!....Give yourself credit for that.
YES! I see the insanity... I mean I still don't feel it's mere presence made for temptation. Easy access, sure but I was easily able to ignore it being in the same room as me... but I see major risks in keeping it around... actually I have for about a week... even if I hadn't drank from it... if I were pulled over and a cop found my flask... it is still considered an open container.
Today (if I make it without a drink) will make 2 full days... I THINK I'm thinking clearly... maybe doing STUPID things still but thinking clearly...
Maybe this is why my higher power brought me to this forum... these are things that never would come up in conversation with my sponsor... and pobably never at a meeting because of the "no cross talk"... That's a great thing about this forum... FEEDBACK! So thanks for being here!
That's a great thing about this forum... FEEDBACK! So thanks for being here!
Instead of thinking about when you are going to fail....Why not think about when you can be helping someone here in the future?...Someone that is where you are right now....You're doing great Erica...Keep going....Congrats on two full days!!...Don't drink today!
ps....Great post Jerry!
-- Edited by Stepchild on Saturday 28th of July 2012 06:06:22 AM
Aloha Erica and you still have the trust of using the board...that's good and could account for the "powers" you felt in your DREAM/NIGHTMARE. Dreams and Nightmares are metaphorical...the actions and people represent things we are going thru and kinda/sorta with who to some degree or such. Your nightmare was about struggle and you had the sense of innate powers...isn't that descriptive of what you've been going thru!!? ...including your criminal situation and your alcoholism. Revisit the DREAM/NIGHTMARE openly and read the significance. I've ahd a ton of them most of my life and then learned to have them as teachers. Dreams and Nightmare have significant powers to move us physically therefore your physical reactions...I've had them also including leaping into the air from a prone position and landing on the floor outside the bed. My poor wife got to witness that one and when they start to manifest again we sleep in separate rooms for her health and safety. No biggie. Work the program well and even the nightmares and bad dreams subside.
Best to be very open and honest with your sponsor because this is that type of recovery. If you are not and don't then it is like the others have suggested...you're setting yourself up for the next drink. You might even have the date by now...maybe when you find your flask? For me I learned to understand that there just never was a law that said I "had to" drink and I stopped when I had that awareness. I have the compulsion and the thoughts and the invitations and I'm old enough and none of that even comes close to me drinking again. I don't have nightmares about drinking however I do have revisited reactions to what it was like and I use these also to confirm that there is no law that says I gotta. Different strokes for different folks...huh?
Clean up your room cause it will be safer wandering around in the dark looking for your glasses. Clean up your room for practice into the future. And as my early sponsor told me, "You're going to have to get away from all things alcohol". people, places and things. It can happen...from my experience.
By the way...I often experience rage when I am not in control of what is going on around me with me.
Don't worry about the flask...Just be grateful it's not in your back pocket right now. Are you going to any AA meetings?.....Reading the Big Book?
I didn't go to an AA meeting last night... Dunno why... I'll make up and try to go to the noon one today, and then tonight's at 10pm as well.
I kinda AM glad it isn't/wasn't in my back pocket because I would have taken a drink from it if it had been. At one point in the middle of the night I got fed up with the whole fighting the urge to drink and started thinking I'd just forget the whole thing and be a non-recovering alcoholic... then I found 3 pennies kinda freakily right after thinking that (see the pennies thread for the significance of that. So I remained sober kinda against my will. I still plan on pouring out all my alcohol later... and taking pictures of me doing it... I want that to be a significant thing... dumping out all my alcohol and taking artistic pictures of me doing so. Heck... dumping out all that booze will be a waste of money so I may as well get SOME sort of satisfaction out of it... even if the satisfaction isn't getting drunk, but rather representing more of a commitment to stopping drinking... though I doubt I'=ve had my last drink forever though. jah jah setting myself up for failure maybe but I just doubt it and being realistic.
I was reading from the Big Book last night... my sponsor told me to read "The Doctor's Opinion" from it.
-- Edited by TigressErica on Saturday 28th of July 2012 07:00:26 AM
Still haven't found my flask... hrm... There's a possibility it's sitting in my manager's office waiting for Monday them to confront me about it or while they try to figure out whose it was. There have been a few times when I drank from it on camera... when I was by myself... but not lately... so I'll just become a model employee and will hope they don't go too far back in the camera history...
I'm not going to worry about it. What happens will happen. *serenity prayer*...
So... if recovery were my "powers" in my dream... I can understand wanting to hide the fact that I'm in recovery for alcoholism from certain people... and if someone was blackmailing me... hmmm... this is an interesting interpretation of my dream...
But... I was doing my best not to use my powers to pulverize the blackmailer... how does that fit... maybe something along the lines of my being hesitant and my addiction wanting me to not really recover. hmm... This is silly analyzing my dream like that.
I didn't go to an AA meeting last night... Dunno why... I'll make up and try to go to the noon one today, and then tonight's at 10pm as well.
I kinda AM glad it isn't/wasn't in my back pocket because I would have taken a drink from it if it had been. At one point in the middle of the night I got fed up with the whole fighting the urge to drink and started thinking I'd just forget the whole thing and be a non-recovering alcoholic... then I found 3 pennies kinda freakily right after thinking that (see the pennies thread for the significance of that. So I remained sober kinda against my will. I still plan on pouring out all my alcohol later... and taking pictures of me doing it... I want that to be a significant thing... dumping out all my alcohol and taking artistic pictures of me doing so. Heck... dumping out all that booze will be a waste of money so I may as well get SOME sort of satisfaction out of it... even if the satisfaction isn't getting drunk, but rather representing more of a commitment to stopping drinking... though I doubt I'=ve had my last drink forever though. jah jah setting myself up for failure maybe but I just doubt it and being realistic.
I was reading from the Big Book last night... my sponsor told me to read "The Doctor's Opinion" from it.
This is an awesome post...Looks like God is working in your life already. If you took this part out...
though I doubt I'=ve had my last drink forever though. jah jah setting myself up for failure maybe but I just doubt it and being realistic.
I'd say you are making some real progress...What are you not going to do today?
And don't say clean your room and go to those meetings.
... though I doubt I'=ve had my last drink forever though. jah jah setting myself up for failure maybe but I just doubt it and being realistic.
Never EVER forget, ... ... ... This IS a "one Day At a Time" program ... you ONLY need not have that drink today ... I always thought, maybe I'll drink one tomorrow, just NOT TODAY!!!
Me thinking I'd never have one again was TOO much for me to comprehend!!!
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank God I found my flask!!! Dumped it out but I dunno if I'm going to throw it away... urg...
Anyway, I've begun dumping my other booze as well... here's a pic of me dumping a few bottles down a well... it's a fake garden well just for decoration but the idea hit me as symbolic... dumping it down a well. Give me more ideas for ways/places to dump all my other bottles! lol. I'm not gonna dump it ALL down this well cuz there are plants in there and I don't know how this alcohol will affect the plants and I don't want my parents pissed at me >.<
Just in case seeing a picture like this triggers anybody.........
That's a great start Erica ... now, get your butt to a meeting ... maybe two or three today ... ... ... certainly do the 90-in-90 if at all possible ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Glad you found the flask...Why don't you hide it in the well....And good job dumping the stuff...You're acting like you want to do this...That's a good thing. I agree with Pappy...Get some meetings in...Meet some sober people that know what they are doing. Keep up the good work!!
