I am an alcoholic.  Beginning my Sobriety again today, its a constant battle.

 I am 32 years old and have struggled since the age of 21, but mostly in the last 3 years has my addiction become what it is.  I grew up in a wonderfully loving home with my Mother who tried so hard to raise my Sister & I by herself.  She left my Father when I was 3 as he was an Alcoholic and he came in and out of our lives over the years pretending that there were no issues.  He died in March of 2009 and I cried at the Funeral, not because he had died but because I felt as though he missed so much of my life it is such a sad shame.  I was always pushed harder than my Sister, pushed to succeed.  At the age of 16 I met my Husband, fell in Love and got into some trouble for dating him (as he was older) and attempted suicide.  I lived through that embarrassment to go on to date him 5 more years before I graduated College and we were Married.  We made some bad decisions to hang out with the wrong crowd during that time and drinking became my way of escape, several times I fought the cravings and won the battle.  Finally, after the birth of my first child I was completely Sober, happy to be so, the birth of my 2^nd Son also gave me great delight and every once in a while (during the most stressful times) I would cave into my cravings and have a short affair with Alcohol, always to end it as I truly want to be happy and be the best Mom to my boys.

It was 2009 where I hit rock bottom.  My Father died in March, my Grandfather in April, both of which had little effect on me, however, I was 39 weeks pregnant with our 3^rd Son when he also died.  He was born still, the cord wrapped around his precious, tiny neck.  The first few weeks following I was in a daze, a medication induced state.  I was angry, shocked and heartbroken.  About a Month following his death & funeral I began drinking. (my Husband doesnt believe anti-depressants and other drugs are healthy.)  For months, which are hard to remember, I drank.  As sad as it is, alcohol made think I needed it to sustain life.  I was what my family referred to me as the most functioning alcoholic that they had every seen.  *Such a sad title.  I would schedule detox and rehab and then sober up so that I wouldnt have to go through with it.   I went through counseling with my Husband in 2010 and became better.  I still had days that I would drink but seemed to have better control over it.  I focused my attention to my health and lost a lot of weight which became my newest obsession.  I did well (only few periods of drinking) until this year.  I had to change jobs this year as my position was ending, lost 2 of my best friends to moves, and have decided that we were officially not going to have any more children.  This decision came at the same time that many of my friends and family members are expecting and just giving birth.  We have had several family members ill this year as well and with the added stress I turned to my old friend to comfort me, alcohol.  I thought for awhile that no one was noticing.  Over the years I have become good at hiding things from others, even those closest to me.  But my Husband discovered it (and although I really try to hide it, I think deep down a certain part of me wants and needs the help and hope that he will help me out of it as he always has).  He has always reminded me when he knows that I am slipping away that I need to re-group myself for my boys, they are my purpose, they are my life.  Its a constant reminder to myself that I choose them, not alcohol, them.  And, no I cant have both.  I cannot have 1 drink, its just not possible for me to do that as we learned earlier this year on our Anniversary trip.  1 Drink for me leads to constant cravings and indulges and that moment when you begin to feel that weight of stress has lifted off of you.  He said to me last night for the first time you dont want to be like your Dad do you?.  And that sent a nerve to my core.  No I dont, I dont want to be that old me either.  I want to be a proud Mom, one whose kids would also be proud of me.

So starting today, which I am praying for many more days to come.I am Sober.