DISCLAIMER: I'm positive that this post will come out convoluted and a bit rambly, as I didn't write a rough draft first.
I'm a negative and hateful person. I'm scared and live in a tiny box that I have constructed to keep me safe. And anything that I believe will threaten my safety I lash out at. There are people in the world who will admit to their vulnerabilities... (read post "negativity at a meeting") towards whom I think "grow a thicker skin! The world doesn't care about how you feel" why do I react that way? Because I identify withthat person, I beg the world, don't do or say anything to destroy my protective sheild. There are people (myself included in this one specifically) that will rail against and poke holes in anything that other people find comfort in just because we believe it isn't logical (see Church? Post as well as any other topic that debates religion or aa) and I am one of those people who probably deliberately will dismiss any good that could come from something as long as there is something imperfect going on within that culture (for lack of better word).
Instead of looking at why others will accept it's inherent imperfections in trade for hope comfort or a glimpse of happiness. For it is these people I commend. They have found what they were searching for, what ever that may be. And for them to defend their position on what ever gives them peace is not asinine misguided stupidity... They are simply defending their comfort boxes as well.
I haven't found my comfort. I have experimented with religion, geographical changes, relationships, and now I hope to find solice in aa. But in the back of my head is "what if this isn't the end of my search?" and the only answer is... Then I shall continue to look for it, knowing that I already have what I need inside of me.
Thanks for letting me share.
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
Here is where you look. Like everything else you need to know about AA...It's in the book.
Yet we had been seeing another kind of flight, a spiritual liberation from this world, people who rose above their problems. They said God made these things possible, and we only smiled. We had seen spiritual release, but liked to tell ourselves it wasn't true.
Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a Power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself.
We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us.
Thank you, dear Neophyte. your honesty is a good thing. you are right where you belong. the big book says we can find out HOW it works by keeping Honest, Openminded, and Willing to believe. Willingness to be honest and open minded is the key. "getting it" may not be easy or quick. but just stay willing and keep coming back. we alcoholics find progress (no matter how small and slow) is our goal, not perfection. and in AA we never have to be alone, ever again. we accept each other just as we are and right where we are. we are here to cheer each other on and support each other. some of us have lost everything, gone to jail (several times) but whatever life hands us we can get through it. we are here for each other, no matter what is happening or not happening in our lives. we become loving, caring people, not because we are so wonderful, but because we have been loved and cared for in this AA program. keep coming back. hugs from sheila
All of your replies are invaluable to me. I guess I didn't realize the significance of that page in the book until someone pointed out the area it was most applicable.
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
Funny thing. After I realized what my hate prevented me from recieving, and purging it here, I've put an honest effort into thrusting myself out of my cage. In just a few short hours, I read a book on some fictional character's spiritual experience (the street lawyer by John Grisham) I have seen desperation where I once saw weakness. I saw hope where I once saw bullsh!t, I was given a simple clarification on why I belong here, I have recieved praise, I have tried to give encouragement and empathy where I once would dismiss and ignore.
It's only been a few hours, and I didn't become alcoholic over night, so I don't expect an over night "cure". But tonight, I have FELT the meaning and benefits of HOW. I hope I remain teachable forever. Tonight I can FEEL a bit of comfort in a scary and dangerous world.
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
Negativity, raw emotion, for most who have been in AA awhile, we expect it, we sometimes need to hear it as we are listening to our past selves, emotionally stable new people just don't walk through the doors (I know thats a shock) the shield drops when we all say we are alcoholic.
The people in AA including myself are far from perfect, about the only thing we usually do perfect is "not drink". We are non professionals... drunks helping drunks, it's a miracle anyone stays sober, yet doctors, lawyers, judges, jails etc all send us their cases, we are much copied and sucessful. We teach love, tolarence, openmindedness, humility, live and let live, attraction not promotion, principle before personalities, none of us get it right. Are we hypocrytes? No, just drunks trying to get better.
Not sure what I was looking for, I knew I was alcoholic and needed change and had nowhere to turn. I found some peace, hope and some people who seemed happy and wanted to help. I didn't want to join anything and service work was for other people and I didn't want to hear about God, but alcohol finally had beaten me into a state of reasonableness.
I did what they told me and started to find myself, worked the steps and started to like myself, the drink problem was removed. I found a design for living that works under any and all conditions. The promises came true. Yes I have a good job, nice house, stuff, a lot of great friends and relationships and family...all can be gone in a flash, it's not who or what I am.
RW Emerson "Who you are shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say". I am what my actions are, and try to give back the gift that God and the people of AA have given to me.
PG 95 If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you would like, in any case, to be friendly. Let it go at that
PG 93 His religious education and training may be far superior to yours. In that case he is going to wonder how you can add anything to what he already knows. But he will be curious to learn why his own convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action. Let him see that you are not there to instruct him in religion. Admit that he probably knows more about it than you do, but call to his attention the fact that however deep his faith and knowledge, he could not have applied it or he would not drink. Perhaps your story will help him see where he has failed to practice the very precepts he knows so well.
Attraction not promotion
Love and tolerance is our code.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Neo - as I was reading your post, I realized you were you either realizing something, or about to - and that you were teaching yourself, as you were writing. I've done it enough times here to recognize it. That's WHY I write everything out here all the time. It's how my brain puts it together I guess... it can't unscramble until it slows down to 80 words per minute maybe? lOL
So I'm going to write this, then I read other posts, then yours, and yup - you figured it out. Hehe... God is good.
It really is about living outside the comfort zone. When I was nursing my son, at one year we were told by the doctor that - "okay, you've fulfilled your obligation, he's good, you can stop now". As if it was just oh so easy! lol
My son, went on to nurse another 10 months. We didn't even try to wean at first because he was nursing almost every hour. After a while, he could walk and run, and that meant he could fall, and get injured. But man o man, you stick that boob in front of him, and he could pleasantly continue nursing while you amputated a leg! It was insane! After I realized that he was in such a comfort zone here, I actually went so far as to nurse him while the nurse at the hospital would give him shots! In and out - on our way - no tears. It was a great. But taking him away from that comfort - not so great.
Soon, he would have to explore the world, get hurt, be excited, cry, laugh, love, all that life entails... without being able to come back to that comfort zone.
I watched as his confidence grew, he knew inside that it was okay to do it on his own, and felt proud, and even though he couldn't talk, I knew him so well, I could see the difference in the smile and the lift of the eyebrows... crazy but true - it was just him and I - all day every day.
Anyway - it may be a weird analogy, but for me, it shows that we want that comfort box you're talking about from birth, but it's a natural part of life to move away from it, and we alcoholics wean from it like a baby from a boob! Having the love and support you need, like a mother weaning her child, is invaluable, and just part of nature.
As a child, our mother is safety. The power greater than us, that we must trust.
As an adult, AA & our HP is like our Mother - and we are like children... still we must trust.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
"Not sure what I was looking for, I knew I was alcoholic and needed change and had nowhere to turn. I found some peace, hope and some people who seemed happy and wanted to help. I didn't want to join anything and service work was for other people and I didn't want to hear about God, but alcohol finally had beaten me into a state of reasonableness."
I don't believe that anyone has a true initial concept of what we are searching for. "comfort" is as vague a word as the application of the word "god" is in this program. It's your individual concept of these words that we often have trouble finding our own definition of these words. I agree with you whole heartedly.
Tasha-- I thought that was a pearfect analogy. As we wean ourselves off the bottle, we are emotional children disguised as adults. This program is teaching me all the missing pieces that I've failed to pick up along this journey of life. I'm grateful today that I'm starting in my 20s and not my 60s (not that there's anything wrong with that) just so that I don't have as many missing puzzles pieces to collect.
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
