I'm a recovering alcoholic and the mother of twins that are 19 years old. My so is now in his second rehab in less than a year. I recently attended a family program which was really an alanon four day retreat. I related to the other parents but can't get past the 3 C's. I didn't cause it..I can't control it and I can't cure it. My children were wittness to many things I'm ashamed of while I was a drunk. My son recently told me he he raised his twin sister. He got rides to school for them. made sure there was dinner, and shielded her from a lot. He is killing himself with his addiction to drugs now and while the 3 C's apply to other parents I feel yes I did cause it because what a terrible parent I was. I know I can't change the past but I did cause this kid's drug addiction because monkey see monkey do. I can't move on.
I think what Alanon is saying is what is in the AA promises. "We do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it." Regret as opposed to repentance, contrition and restitution is not good for the alcoholic. Through the 12 steps of AA, I made restitution to those whom I had harmed during my drinking days. Some people accepted my amends, others did not, but I had to get it right with God and myself. I am almost 24 years sober now, and if I did not focus on my program in full earnestness, I would have repeated my past and then recovery would have been impossible. Most of my harm was caused by a brain which was so intoxicated that rational behaviour was impossible. When my wife and children came into recovery, they realised how sick I actually had become and how sick they had become. It was a long reconstruction period, but one that was worth it. It made our family much stronger than if we had not had this painful experience. Today we share our past and laugh about it. And laughing is good.
I can tell you self loathing and self pity is not a good place for an alcoholic to be...And I do believe that nothing happens in God's world by mistake. You keep working on yourself and be there for your son...I would bet you are right where you are supposed to be. Welcome to the site....I'm glad you're here!
If your actions directly caused alcholism - then both your kids would be alcoholic. Similarly, if they really suffered that much, the logic would be that they would do anything to "not" become addicts/alcoholics themselves. Now the reality is that it's a family illness and a big part of this is genetic. Yes, you have amends to make, but you are better of to not let this hinder your own recovery or be the reason to enable your son to the point that he isn't responsible for his own recovery. He is grown now and has his set of choices and consequences.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
God is in the Truth, and the Truth is somewhere in the middle.
From what you say it sounds as though your drinking had an affect on your kids but yes, going forward now, they are allowed to seek recovery and you are able to grow into being a different mother today. Some never get that from their parents. And there are many parents who just can't see the affects they might have had on their kids, it's too painful. I would just keep your eyes on your own paper and keep going.
I give you a lot of credit for wanting to see thing as they really are and do what you can to be the best "you" you can be today. Be gentle with yourself.Observe what you have already done better at. Morbid reflection is a trap and stops us from being useful to anyone.
The world is full of people who affect each other all day long. Stay with it. Stay willing.
I also don't suggest going overboard in a codependent way, trying to "save" them. Alanon can keep helping you in your relationship with them and what is appropriate. I suggest reading one of their daily meditation books each morning. Just For Today is for adult children so that wouldn't be the right one for your rel w/your kids, maybe another one. Ask around til you get the a good suggestion from someone knowledgable.
Have you gone thru the BB with a sponsor and made direct amends to them? I donot suggest doing it until steps 1-8 are completed out of the BB for many reasons. Once you sit down with each one of them individually and cover the harms and use the other language a BB sponsor can help you with, then you continue being the best you can to them, you don't have to keep paying for it. Until then just do your best.
This is a family illness but we have found a way out. Everyone needs their own program and Higher Power.
What mark said is the truth. Alcoholism is not a learned behavior, its genetic . You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I'm alcoholic and I am alanon, and a few other things. Thinking your to blame for everything is the height of self centeredness and victimisation. Stick with alanon for a while you might learn a few things. And if you haven't been to AA for a while maybe its time to get back and take a trip through the steps with a sponsor. Just saying.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
Yes, I never thought of it that way Billyjack - thinking you're to blame for everything being the height of being self centered.
Hmmmm.
Momymm, I have most likely done a lot of the same things as you - being an alcoholic mother. At some point here in recovery, it hit me that motherhood, does not cure alcoholism, like I believed, or strongly hoped that it would.
This disease hurts you and those you love, but if you had cancer, and had to lay on the couch every day recovering from chemo - your children would also have had to fend for themselves and even help you out sometimes, or a lot of the time. I am friends with a stay at home Mother who has been battling cancer for the past 4 yrs. She has passed out, bashed her head on a toilet, and had to have her 5 yr daughter learn how to call 911 for help. She's relied on the kids (now 8, 7, 5 & 4) to deal with constant sickness and very little ability to care for them for most of the day. They could not afford to have someone come in and care for her and the kids, and the husband, a nurse (she is a doctor herself, but has been a stay at home mother for nearly 9 yrs) can help in the evenings, but has to work long hours to pay the medical bills they rack up.
Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make, is your situation, is not the worst there is, and thinking so is part of an alcoholics mind. Your children are alive. You are alive. Start over from there because that isn't the case for some less fortunate. You clearly love them SO very much. Today, you can show it, and say it. You've been given that gift today.
I use craigslist all the time, and a lady came over the other day to buy some of my son's clothes. She saw my daughter, and immediately was drawn to her, picked her up and gave her a hug. I thought it a bit forward, but she explained that her daughter was Layla's age when she was killed in a car wreck last year (she was driving). She said she can't help but use other children... close her eyes and pretend it's her daughter. I immediately got tears in my eyes.
I am not perfect. I still suck as a mom all the time even though I'm sober. But if I get stuck thinking about how much I suck, I waste more time that could be used to give my daughter a hug.
Our kids are here with us today - it's all we have. Living amends my dear friend... it's all we have.
PS
I would be an ear to listen anytime you'd like to talk, our stories are probably very much the same, and I can feel your pain. It's not something that can't be worked through and changed for the good of you and your children though. I believe that completely.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Justadrunk, That's an amazing story about the woman who wanted to be close to your child for a minute. See what happens when we don't interfere with God's plan or take things personally or become afraid?
I'm a recovering alcoholic and the mother of twins that are 19 years old. My so is now in his second rehab in less than a year. I recently attended a family program which was really an alanon four day retreat. I related to the other parents but can't get past the 3 C's. I didn't cause it..I can't control it and I can't cure it. My children were wittness to many things I'm ashamed of while I was a drunk. My son recently told me he he raised his twin sister. He got rides to school for them. made sure there was dinner, and shielded her from a lot. He is killing himself with his addiction to drugs now and while the 3 C's apply to other parents I feel yes I did cause it because what a terrible parent I was. I know I can't change the past but I did cause this kid's drug addiction because monkey see monkey do. I can't move on.
Welcome to MIP mommym, ... ... ...
I too, am ashamed of the things my son saw in me while he was growing up ... you know what, you nor I can change any of that ... What could be worse than this ??? ... knowing what we know, being gravely upset at ourselves, and NOT changing who we are today ... You're saying your guilt is holding you back, you said "I can't move on." ... ... ... You just sit around long enough on your 'pity-pot' and you'll drink again ... ... ... I know ... cause, I did ... There is absolutely NO feeling you can be having at this very moment, that getting up and getting a drink won't make worse ...
You have a choice today that only YOU get to make ... not me, not your son, nor your daughter can make this decision ... YOU get to decide if you want to continue to live in misery OR if you want to come and learn a way of life that is 'inspiring' to your child, rather than sit in front of him crying about something you have NO way to change ... If you want to help seal your son's fate, just keep showing him it's impossible ... when you know for a fact, that we've recovered to where we are once again useful persons again ... you know that we are able to participate in society again ... and so can you ...
Yes, our children may be scarred ... most are I would guess ... but it serves no purpose what-so-ever to continue to drink ... it is always better for our kids to see that if WE, of all people, can get and stay sober, then they can do it too ...
God Bless, and please make the right choice,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you all! Today I did move on. I went to my AA meeting and to an alanon meeting. I wrote a brief letter to my son in rehab. No drama just the ammends and how we can't change the past and have to all move on. He's in charge of his recovery and I'm in charge of mine. I see it that I could have never gotten sober but I did.
Thank you all! Today I did move on. I went to my AA meeting and to an alanon meeting. I wrote a brief letter to my son in rehab. No drama just the ammends and how we can't change the past and have to all move on. He's in charge of his recovery and I'm in charge of mine. I see it that I could have never gotten sober but I did.
