Everyone told me living amends was what I needed to do. I feel for you, and can relate to the guilt you feel for the innocent children involved. Praying for them, and focusing on today is my fall back when I'm feeling like you are.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
When I'm drinking I never feel worthy of forgiving myself for any of the bad things I've done and each one of them is a constant reminder of what a horrible person I am. It's not until getting sober and realizing that I'm not a horrible person (deeply flawed maybe but who isn't) and that I do deserve to be able to forgive myself and not suffer eternal guilt, shame and remorse.
I don't know what your guilty of because your post was edited, and frankly it doesn't matter...if you want to suffer under its weight until it destroys you beyond the point of no return than just keep numbing yourself with booze. For as long as Incan remember I was an emotional wreck due to toxic guilt. All the self help books, counseling and beating myself up didn't help. Getting sober has been my only reprieve.
Good luck to you.
As alcoholics, we share all the big negative emotions....guilt, fear, anger, helplessness, hopelessness, and feeling unforgivable. we have all been neglectful, irresponsible, unaccountable, unloveable, self centered, unworthy of trust. As we learn and progress in our new life because of AA, the big book, and the steps, our higher power, a sponsor, AA meetings and AA friends, we get a chance to learn that letting go of alcohol is the beginning of a new, different, better life. AA helps us deal with, accept and learn from our wrongs and our weaknesses. we are forgiven, we can begin a new life and chances to right our wrongs. numbing ourselves got us deeper in trouble and denial. you are not alone, i have done things i wish i could undo. i can't undo my wrongs but AA has helped me learn how to live a better life in spite of my problems and past and make ammends to those i have hurt. our higher power forgives when we ask for forgiveness and he expects us to forgive ourselves and learn the lesson of forgiving others. all we have to do is have a desire to stop drinking... and reach out for help. there is help for us alcoholics, thank God. no one in this program is too bad or too good to be "in recovery." take care, dear. keep coming back. jj/sheila
