So last night I had a bit of a meltdown. Came home after a meeting and broke down in tears.. Pacing and full of self loathing. Like, obsessively self loathing.. A record in my head skipping on the "I just can't stand myself" part. Couldn't sleep the whole night.. Had to work at 630. Whatever..I'm over it. The lead up and cause of my mini breakdown? Speaking at a meeting. Now, I've posted about my, well, phobia really, of public speaking. I hadn't slept much the night before-worked til 11pm to wake at 4 for work again. I'm PMSing, I'm hungry, and my meeting is at 7pm..all day I'm being kind of a "baby" about going to meeting..I just dont want to go. This meeting is a speaker discussion womens group. We all sit in a circle and go around commenting on the days reading..usually around 40 women. It makes me nervous. So I walk in already filled with negativity, when it comes my turn to speak, instead of "passing" as I usually do, I open my mouth and out comes what I perceive to be unintelligible nonsense. I quickly and abruptly stop talking and wait for next person to speak. At end of meeting I leave quickly and wind up at beginning of story. I text my sponser that im an idiot, that I suck at aa, that I should just go f in drink cuz I've made no progress and at least I could speak intelligently when I was drunk ( haha.. Most people I called when drunk could attest to that not being true at all lol). So then she doesn't get right back to me. THIS is what I'm thinking..."she's probably thinking of a reply that will unload the burden of me cuz now shes heard how dumb I am (she was at meeting) and is embarrassed to be my sponser". When she DOES reply its with " I thought you sounded great..didn't you notice all the women nodding in agreement when you were talking?" ( ummm, nope, I missed that part) and she also added " stop trying to analyze your brain with your still sick brain. Let me do that for a couple of months". She's right! And I love her for it, and I freaked out for NO REASON..this was entirely in my own twisted head. BUT I did not drink. This was not only the first time I was hit with a powerful urge to throw away my sobriety, but also the first time I went truly back to that deep, dark pit of self loathing I have since Ive quit drinking. Also the first time I cried. Also first time I've really realized that I need to BEG God to not just support me but guide me. I think in the end it turned out to be a good day.
I love this post. You knocked it right out of the park. I do that sort of thing all the time. Thank you so much for the ESH here.
P.S. When I get in a self loathing cycle, I tell myself the world is just as self absorbed as I am and that come tommorrow, no one will have remembered what I said/did.
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
I'll bet your share was excellent...And I'll bet I know where those words came from...Good for you Col....Keep moving forward!!....Sounds like you're doing great and you have the right sponsor!
Great job hanging in there ... 'speaking in a meeting is a whole nother topic' ... LOL ... there are soooo many different 'types' of sharing ... well, as many differences as there are people I suppose ... I think I was afraid I'd come across sounding like an idiot ... and I'm sure I did early in the program ... the point is, we all were newbies at one time and the old timers had heard it all before and usually make exceptions ... I got told once to take the 'cotton' out of my ears and put it in my mouth ... seems I started talking like I had a few years behind me when I only had a few weeks ...
It's funny NOW ... but when that came up, first damn thing I wanted to do is go have a drink ... that kind of sh1t don't bother me anymore ... You know, some times I'll have a point I want to share in the meeting, and by the time I get to share, I have forgotten what point it was I wanted to make ... or I make my point and tend to start 'rambling' ...
Don't let anything bother you or keep you from sharing in a meeting ... that's why there's a meeting to start with ... In time, your confidence in sharing will grow ... you may even be soon giving 'speaker meetings' ...
Love Ya, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I remember early on in my recovery I never wanted to share.What could I have to offer?In school I would take a failing grade in English when it came to public speaking cause I would get red,my ears would get hot,I would forget what I was going to say and I didn't want to talk about my 'Summer Vacation' even though I was doing well in rest of class. One day I saw this reading 'Something Valuable To Share,A simple honest message of recovery from addiction always rings true.I have shared this before but here it is again. Your in a meeting and sharing been going on for awhile,1st speaker sharing very profoundly on steps and traditions,2nd speaker really coming from an in depth spiritual side ,3rd speaker,has us rolling in the isles and THEN I'm called on to share!!! Of course I didn't hear any of the previous messages because I was terrified I would get called on and not realy listening(an art in itself).I walk up,shyly introduce myself, say a few words ,I don't even remember and then go back to my seat and sink into the chair for the rest of the night wondering why I can't share like the others.As we continue to show up ,do the work ,we incorporate the idea that it really isn't about us but it is about sharing our ESH(experience,strength and hope)We see that sharing is not a competitive sport,Just because we have started our journey on recovery didn't mean we became stand up orators or stand up comedians or the Dali Lama.But a simple honest message of recovery from addiction always rings true.The focus of our meetings is identification and our own experience,something WE all have in abundance.Every individual that works an honest program that brings meaningful recovery has something of an immense value to share ,something unique to each of us, our own experience.WE can share whats been effective in our lives and our message will be helpful to someone now or later.Even after many years in the process I may be nervous in a very large group but I know that I am here to carry our message of recovery, be grateful to continue to take part in my own recovery and keep coming back...This reading helped me a lot ,I step out in faith and share the things that help keep me in recovery, recovered in that daily reprieve, a day at a time.At any given time I have something valuable to share, how I maintain my recovery following the guidelines of our program,instilling the spiritual principles of the STEPS,in my attitudes and behaviors, to the best of my ability, all thru the grace and mercy of my Higher Power ,whom I choose to call God!!You may be surprised when someone may stop you and say' you know thats just where im at' ,thank you for sharing it really helped me,one helping another in a loving and caring manner,its what WE do..No big I's or little U's as we work our honest program,just one helping another in a loving and caring manner.Good job stepping out.it may not get easier but It will always be valuable.. My dad(gone now) always said kid if you know your subject its easy to speak,(he was a teacher at college)....who knows our subject better than us??
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I run a book study meeting on Monday nights. I have been doing it for over 22 years now. Last night was an intense 45 minute session that I did with the group. I come out of there drained. The only thing I can do is ask God, to moderate everything I said, so that the newcomers will go home with only the relevant facts. Speaking anywhere is not easy, but necessary. Imagine if everyone in a meeting, just said pass and no one shared anything, what use is the meeting going to be.
The promises in the AA book says: "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others." My experience is not shared to benefit me. It's there for others. It will be really selfish of me to withhold my experience. I have benefitted from other people's experience more that my own experience. I have a huge debt of gratitude to AA, members of this forum, my sponsors and even newcomers.
A long term sober member bailed me up after a meeting last week and thanked me for something I'd said a week or two earlier. Told me that the line I'd said had got him through a really rough time. He repeated it to me but it didn't seem that profound to me, and I'm still not really sure what the context was because I can rarely remember what I've said, but that didn't matter because it obviously meant a hell of a lot to him.
It was a huge eye opener to me. How a bunch of recovering drunks telling stories can work miracles I'll never know, but I do know that it does work, and it works in such interesting ways. Don't doubt yourself, Col. You are helping people in ways that you'll probably never know, and the best things could very well come from a stream of consciousness share that seems like a ramble to you but everyone listening knows is 100% truth said straight from the heart.
-- Edited by Frodo on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 12:32:02 PM
That was so familiar I got chills. There were a few times in early sobriety that I felt I hated myself so badly I didn't know what to do....I think I punched a wall and called my sponsor crying. You are busy building a new sober life and that is going to take a while. You are challenging major assumptions about yourself that you never bothered to before. It's painful but the growth is miraculous. Cheering for you! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey guys:) thanks for helpful and supportive words! I think the real issue and obstacle for me ( which will take a lot of work on my part) is getting through and over the self hatred. It's pretty intense. Its just a very deep dark pit that's really difficult to get out of once I'm there. I very naively thought this would magically disappear once I stopped drinking. Ha nope. I kinda just assume peo
Hey guys:) thanks for helpful and supportive words! I think the real issue and obstacle for me ( which will take a lot of work on my part) is getting through and over the self hatred. It's pretty intense. Its just a very deep dark pit that's really difficult to get out of once I'm there. I very naively thought this would magically disappear once I stopped drinking. Ha nope. I kinda just assume people hate and criticize me until proven otherwise. It's really sick, and I'm usually wrong. And I don't have to be perfect to be accepted. And I don't have to be accepted to be ok. These concepts I "get" on paper.. Lol I just have to let them seep in.
When I first got sober I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I remembered that nurse in rehab telling us that we would need to learn to love ourselves. Actually I think she said we *would* learn to love ourselves. I also remember my bitter and cynical laugh at that. Why the hell would I want to do that? How could I even like this pig of a person that trashed everything good in his life and hurt everyone that cared about him? I couldn't see one redeeming feature in myself and just wanted the earth to swallow me up and forget I ever existed.
Long story short: as the days and months rolled by I learnt to like myself because I wasn't that person - not without alcohol anyway - and I have grown to love the person I have become. I'm happy, calm and at peace with myself and the world. I'm not perfect but that's just fine too. I accept it and change what I can. I've even forgiven the old me because I can see just how sick and messed up I was.
Trust God. Clean House. Help Others. That's the twelve steps. Do that and you'll see the real you sooner than you think, and it will be someone you won't be able to hate.
