In my thoughts and prayers! Pretty much most been said.The healing begins when you put down the poison.WE have a program that will  help lead you on a journey of LIFE.We are here but for a fleeting moment and each new day is an opportunity to turn our lives around.Our illness is spiritual in nature and our program can help you get to the "exact nature' of whats on the inside and  WE  offer a simple set of solutions(STEPS) instilled in the attitudes and behaviors of our lives,guided by a Higher Power ( greater than each of us)  that only need  be loving and caring(can start with the program).Stay with us,here's my hand,hang on c'mon in from the storm.WE are here for each other.I will immediately lift you up in prayer.No matter what you think or feel ,there is nothing that we cant move forward from ,a day at a time,with help,some work,a willingness to do whatever it takes.Make those calls,show up and we will love you until you learn to love yourself again and thru God's grace and mercy you will!!!!!

-- Edited by mikef on Saturday 21st of July 2012 07:49:13 PM

Lindsey God bless you...Suicide is no more the answer than alcohol is the answer. You can get out of this....But the first thing you have to do is stop drinking....You can't help yourself if you continue to drink. Do you have a family doctor you can talk to about detoxing?...It can be dangerous just stopping on your own and a doctor may be able to give you something to make the process easier....I was in a bad way like you and I didn't think there was any way out for me....I found out there are a lot of people that want to help people like us...I found that out going to my first AA meeting...People that have been where I was that cared about me and wanted to help me....They'll be there for you too...I know that. Coming to this site is a great first step....We want to help you here too....If you can talk to a doctor about stopping...That would be great...Please continue to post here...There are some great people here too....I'm glad you are here.

Lindsay, suicide is a stupid thing that is for the biggest losers and nerds in the world.  trust me, youll understand when your older.  I dare you to just wipe the whole slate clean and relaize you are NOT a hoe!!  Who is the guy calling you that, I could tell you what he is and youll realize it when your older, and trust me, dont let his sh1T bother you, ok, you know in your heart that your number one, you are the winner, you are the best, who deserves the best, etc., please build on it.  If you are seriously having problems, talk to a parent or aunt/ uncle.

God bless,

Closer.

Hi Lindsey,

At times like this, people tend to say stuff like, "I'm sorry you are feeling so badly." or other such sentiments but you know, we change at the speed of pain and feeling this crappy might just be what you need to make some serious, positive changes in your life. I think you showed some great insight in realizing that "...so i get drunk again to forget about it for a few hours, then the cycle repeats it self over and over again." Realizing that it just perpetuates the problem and isn't a real solution is a big step. Everyone in the world seeks to avoid pain and so you drank to avoid the pain of life and when you realized that isn't working, you consider other possible solutions like suicide...completely reasonable line of thinking and very human. Suicide however is extemely permenant and so I'd encourage you to try everything else first.

People might jump all over me for what I'm about to say about suicide but it's the truth: I was about your age and in the military. I got captured overseas and tortured. Thirty years later, I still have scars all over my legs. The idea of suicide kept me alive. I would tell myself that if tomorrow got so bad that I couldn't take it anymore - I'd do it then...but not today. I wasn't playing a game - I meant it, tomorrow. It was that promise to myself that kept me alive - it was a way out,,,a measure of control in a totally out of control situation. I made it one day at a time that way and later, long after I made it home, I used that same type of thinking with my drinking. If I still couldn't go without a drink tomorrow, I'd drink then, but not today. Since the first day I made that promise to myself, I've gone over twenty years without a drink.

Stopping drinking is a first step, but it sounds like you were running from life problems when you started. Problems that are still going to be there when (and if) you decide to sober up. You're going to need help with those problems too, learn how to live life without alcohol. There are people here who will help. There are people in meetings who will help too.

I'll tell you this too: When I first met my wife, she thought she was too broken for me. Drugs and alcohol, raped more times than she could count, she was sold into human trafficking before anyone knew what human trafficking was. Truth is though, and in my opinion, I've never met a person worth knowing who didn't start out broken. Those who survive tend to become more understanding toward others, they can truly understand what's important in life because they almost lost it all. When you stand out there on the precipice of hopelessness and then make the decision to turn your back to it and face life again...you'll gain an appreciation for life that people who haven't been through the kind of pain you have will never get. You have a chance that they'll never have. As for me and the wife? She's my best friend and believe it or not, we've never had an argument...not even a disagreement. She is everything I ever wanted and if I had committed suicide those many years ago - I wouldn't have had all these years with her.

I just read what you wrote to my wife in the other room. She said, "Please give her my number. I know that girls story." So check your private messages and you'll find her number. Call her anytime.

I too, want to thank you AND your wife Angell ... ... now THAT'S what this program is all about ...

Make the call Lindsey!!!

Pappy

Hi Lindsey,
Hopefully you'll make the call to Angell's wife and learn a very important thing about yourself. You are not alone. To a man or woman, I'll bet that every one of us here has done the same thing you are doing, ie making choices while we were drunk that we regretted when we got sober. So we got drunk again to forget about them. Problem for me was that the guilt and remorse only multiplied each time I did that. The solution was I had to stop getting drunk. I didn't know how to do that by myself, but through the grace of my Higher Power and the support of the people in my AA groups and on this board, I have learned. And my life has improved. It's not perfect, and I don't expect it ever will be, but I can live with myself now. I no longer hate myself, nor am I ashamed of myself. It took some work and a lot of help, but all I had to do is ask. You must want help, or you would not have reached out as you have. That is a huge first step. Suicide is a permanent answer to your problem. While the problem itself is real and very overwhelming at this point, it is does not have to continue to be that way. I know that we are all praying for you, especially for you to make that phone call. Thank you to Angell and his wife for sharing your stories so that you can give some hope to this precious girl. May we all be blessed, and especially you Lindsey. Peace and ((((hugs))))

Lindsey - suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. I know that this has been your reality for a few years but you are very young and you can change to make your life whatever you want. I do know what it feels like to hate myself so much and to drink to oblivion to just not care. I have also had my share of seedy sexual encounters when drunk but that is in the past.

None of this defines Lindsey. In AA you do get to slowly scrape off all the horrible stuff that has clung to you and that you have carried around due to the drinking. You have lots of mature insight for your age. A commitment to meetings plus therapy really changed my life. It's one thing to get help and tell yourself "oh I'm so messed up that I need therapy/AA" and it's another thing to tell yourself "I am so messed up because of my past and drinking and I'm going to AA/Therapy to get better." This self-destructing self-hate thing you have going on is not going to get better unless you really work hard to shut it down.

Everytime I've been so low I felt like killing myself, I remember that "this too shall pass" and it does always get better. It truly does. I remember what it felt like to feel so broken I could not be fixed. That was only a few years ago for me. If I can piece myself together again - so can you. The fact that you are so young is really an advantage - You have so much ahead of you and can redefine yourself so radically (if that's what you want).

We are here for you and would love to hear your progress.

mark

Hello Lindsey. I'm so glad you posted here... you have something special about you - HONESTY! At 17, I wouldn't have said, or admitted to the things you just did. It's a brilliant move, and very mature. I have done many of the things you've mentioned - and some different things too. It's a disease. You know deep in your heart that you were not meant to be like this, but you probably do not know what else to do, or that there is a way to get your life back. At least I didn't. Now that I've found AA, I can see that the things I did like sleep around, hurt those I love, break the law, not take care of myself, do things I would never do sober... were all just part of a disease that frankly just plain SUCKS!

But it doesn't have to be that way any longer. There is help. There are millions of people just like you, who are recovering like me, who would love to help you, and talk to you, and show you that you're NOT alone. You're life DOES matter Lindsey.

I thought having this disease was not fair, and that I was permanently cracked in half. But now... only 4 months in... I am starting to see that having this disease only sucks when you're not getting help for it. Now, I see that being a little cracked lets the light in.

You're a beautiful soul... let us help you find a way back to the real you. As awkward and weird as it may be to call a 33 yr old woman from another state that you do not know, you may find that we already know a lot about each other... so I will send you a private message with my phone number, and be waiting to hear from you day or night.

Welcome to MIP, Lindsey and congrats to you for having the strength to share here. That very same courage and desire for something better will help you design a future you are truly proud of. There is help, as Tasha said, and there is hope. You are a valuable, unique and lovable person. You are not the things you did in the past. Those experiences are what teach you about what you want and don't want in life. They are lessons and nothing more than that. They do not define who you are now or predict you can become.

Alcoholism is a disease. You can start recovering from that disease the moment you decide you have had enough. Call your local AA hotline and start talking. The people who answer these phones have been where you are at and can help. Once you get involved with AA you will find you are not alone. There are others who understand and can show you the solutions the program offers, if you are willing to do the work.

Once you start healing, you will see how promising the future is, how many possibilities there are, how much love there is in it. I beg of you to take a chance on yourself and go to a meeting and invite you to message me here if you need any support, encouragement or information.

Please check in here when you can. We really do care. :)