So I'm having somewhat of a dilemma regarding old friends of mine. One friendship in particular is leaving me torn. Now I know I'm new to sobriety, and putting myself in certain situations is not wise. A good friend of mine, who although is supportive of my sobriety, is nonetheless a "trigger" for me. She's one of these people who always has some big dramatic crisis going on. Some of these are valid, but I find her exhausting at times. She also used to be one of my best drinking buddies..we would often meet over drinks, and then we'd both go to liquor store to stock up on more booze to be had later, when we would go our separate ways to continue drinking alone. I feel as though I'm too new to this and raw to even be around her, through no fault of her own. She's recently unemployed and needs me to be her friend now, but I feel like I simply can't. I really think that I should be focusing on myself and sobriety to the point of being selfish right now. I feel awful, and selfish, and self absorbed...but I think that may be kinda healthy for me at this point in time. I hate to feel as though I'm abandoning her but the few times we've met since I've been sober have been emotionally draining and very reminiscent of my drinking days with her. Its not her, it's me, but I don't want to lose a friendship. Any advice?
In the program, we're taught that old haunts and old playmates are to be avoided ... Had it not been for a timely 'geographical change' for me, I'd have had the same problem you just described ... The only thing I can suggest for you, if you want to salvage the friendship, is to set down face-to-face and be totally honest with her and set some 'boundaries' ... just tell her that if ya'll get together for something, there can be no booze or drugs ... for about the next year or so ... If she's up for it, test the waters before you jump in ... (remember, always plan for an easy "out" in case you get trapped ...)
If she's a friend worth keeping, she'll honor your new boundaries ... no problem ... if she insists she has to have a drink, tell her you understand, but you'll see her some other time when she doesn't have to have one, then leave ... Well, and you know to stay away from a 'bar' or 'pub' environment when ya'll meet ... (you might can handle it, but she may not)
Love Ya, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I feel awful, and selfish, and self absorbed...but I think that may be kinda healthy for me at this point in time. I hate to feel as though I'm abandoning her but the few times we've met since I've been sober have been emotionally draining and very reminiscent of my drinking days with her. Its not her, it's me, but I don't want to lose a friendship. Any advice?
Hi Col,
It seems like your instincts are basically correct, your soberity has to take priority over everything else so make all decisions based on that fact. You are not good to yourself or anyone else if you're drinking so never feel bad about these decisions. You can be of great help to many people once you get your house in order and get right with God.
We try to practice giving our own burdens to God and certainly don't want to carry the burden of others...it's not your stuff to carry, and will shut us off from the sunlight of the spirit and diminish our usefulness to God ourselves and others. I know these are new ideas, but maybe this all came up to help you practice this.
Not sure what you are ready for, maybe avoidance is best for now.
Personally, I might share how my thinking and ways of looking at the world has changed since I came to AA. Explain that dumping and ranting doesn't solve anything and you want to help her get into action and the solution. Given her situation maybe invite her to a meeting....that night keep her away for awhile
Take Care,
Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I agree with Pappy and Rob, set some real boundaries and stick to them, period. You can support her, emotionally, but only if she sticks to her end of the bargain. No mentioning of alcohol or anything drinking related, just two sober people helping each other, that's all. It's your choice, Colleen, so proceed with caution. I do hope she finds employment soon.
I had very similar situations when I was early in recovery.I played in a band and all members used.I hung with people and all used.I explained to them that I was trying to stay 'stopped' after 25 years of oblivion.I eventually had to leave the band and the bar scene for awhile until I was no longer fearful of being around the poison,(STEP 10 PROMISES) until I gained my spiritual fitness staying in the 'care' of my HP and working in the solution a day at a time) It took work and time to loose that alcoholic mindset,being recovered working recovery daily,never cured but arrested ,a daily reprieve.FIND THAT LEGITIMATE REASON,(your early recovery)to do the spiritual things you do... The friends I had would always prompt me to take 'just one' and laugh and taunt(what you too good for us now,ahh one won't hurt,your boring now etc,you used to be different(duh)...I was actually accused of being a Narc cause I didnt do what everyone was doing .I eventually also had to find new people ,places and things until I had gained that spiritual fitness the key to my recovery.Today I am not afraid,not of an alcoholic mindset(although remain very diligent,aware of complacency and remain connected to my HP,whom I call God and work in the solution applied in the attitudes and behaviors of my life.More is always revealed,a day at a time.Good job remaining vigilante.Continue to do the work,with your sponsor,apply the spiritual principles in all areas of your life and Just For Today you never have to pick up again.....
-- Edited by mikef on Thursday 19th of July 2012 11:01:19 AM
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
My suggestion is just to be honest with her. It's the simplest solution. Go about what you need to do for yourself. If she asks why you have been "distant" or whatever - You can tell her that you are working really hard on yourself and getting sober/working an AA program and you still care but it's taking up a lot of time and energy. If she cannot handle that, then she's an insecure and clingy type of "friend" and you are trying to move past things that don't work in your life anyhow.
I had to cut out heavy drinkers as good friends. It was a necessity. My one good friend is a daily pot smoker - She would smoke a lot and drink some while I was busy just drinking and getting plastered. She was the one that suggested I go to AA actually. Well...the nature of our friendship has changed but there was and is a lot of caring and mutual respect there so we both drift and come back together. She's the only friend I have like that. I had to drift away for a bit in AA. She also loved me enough to put up with the year long phase or so where all I could talk about was me me me me.
There is a type of self-absorption that comes in the first year or 2 of sobriety. It's being heavily invested in changing yourself and it's a positive self-centeredness in most ways. You will emerge a better friend, family member, worker... That's how it worked for me.
While she might be recently unemployed - you are also newly sober - If she can't offer you support enough to make the relationship mutual - it's not healthy. You have as much right to support as she does. Your needs in a friendship are valid and you do get to draw those boundaries without having to overjustify yourself.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
This sounds like a question of using the right words and having the courage to say them.
What about something like, "I care about you a lot, I hope you know that. But I want to tell you that I'm going to be cocooning myself with my AA group for now, so I won't be available to talk for a while. I have to save my life."
And ask God for help before you get on the phone. Stay calm so she knows you're serious. Keep the conversation brief. Have the courage to end the conversation in a much briefer time than usual. No more of you holding yourself hostage.
