Some of you may remember, that I have been hiding from my husbands family. There was the big party here at our house a few days after I was "outed" as an alcoholic, that I decided I was going to prepare and then skip out on. How obvious. As if my husband would light candles and dress the potatoe salad with parsley.
My son broke his arm that day, and I was forced to see my in laws in the emergency room. It was pretty awkward, but it was that moment that I knew I loved my children. I thought maybe I didn't for a while. I mean, how could I care for them in the way I had been... who would do that if they loved their children.
But I didn't really grasp the fact that I have a disease at that point... and that my life could truly change. That I wasn't the worst person in the world. That I'm no different than anyone else with this disease, and the ACTUAL worst thing would be walking away from AA and not treating my disease.
I've avoided my in laws, and my husbands entire family for almost four months now. I haven't been to a single family function. I've missed out on birthday parties, camping trips and holidays. Our family is the type that ALWAYS shows up, and ALWAYS as a family. So it was noticable... that I was hiding. They never contacted me either, but that's their business.
I didn't think I would be able to face anyone for years. I couldn't even truly imagine EVER facing them.
But here I am, just under 4 months sober, and I'm ready. I'm okay with being me. It will feel natural to talk about my recovery if I'm asked, and I don't even feel nervous to spend a 4 day camp out with everyone. I'm actually kind of excited!
I think the turning point was when I wrote my 4th step. I started truly seeing my life for what it was, and all that stuff I was making such a big deal about, just wasn't such a big deal anymore. I could see WHY.
Of course, I thought I would need to have done my 5th step before this trip, but because my sponsor was ill for our initial meeting, it had to be rescheduled for the day I come back. (This Sunday)
I wasn't sure if that was going to be okay. (You do know that the 5th step transforms me magically into an angel princess saint right?)
I'm realizing that I'm right where I'm suppose to be... and I feel confident in the divine plan. What happens after the 5th step is completed? Well, I really don't know. I suspect my name will still be Natasha. I might be a little more okay with that?
I guess the real point I'm trying to make is, I don't know jack squat about what my life will be like in 4 months, tomorrow or for the rest of my life. I never have, and I never will. All I have is today, and if I do the best I can, the next right thing, seek guidance from my higher power, truly, honestly and whole heartedly... I have a pretty good chance of going to bed sober, and I am so grateful for that.
Until Sunday,
Natasha
-- Edited by justadrunk on Wednesday 18th of July 2012 10:37:23 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I wasn't sure if that was going to be okay. (You do know that the 5th step transforms me magically into an angel princess saint right?)
I'm realizing that I'm right where I'm suppose to be... and I feel confident in the divine plan. What happens after the 5th step is completed? Well, I really don't know. I suspect my name will still be Natasha. I might be a little more okay with that?
I guess the real point I'm trying to make is, I don't know jack squat about what my life will be like in 4 months, tomorrow or for the rest of my life. I never have, and I never will. All I have is today, and if I do the best I can, the next right thing, seek guidance from my higher power, truly, honestly and whole heartedly... I have a pretty good chance of going to bed sober, and I am so grateful for that.
Until Sunday,
Natasha
-- Edited by justadrunk on Wednesday 18th of July 2012 10:37:23 AM
LMAO Tasha, ... (or is it Saint Tasha ???) ... LOL (STPete? ... you got company)
Loved your post ... it really does exhibit your growth in the program well ... You've come a long way in a short period of time, thank the Lord ... the children deserve it ... well, everyone around you does, including yourself ...
Too bad you're not ready for the 9th step ... this 'campout' might just present opportunities, in a unique way, to make some amends ... I mean I am having thoughts of parks, lakes, big trees, creeks, campfires, mountains maybe ... the perfect setting for love and nature related projects ... very 'life fulfilling' in a way ...
Just be yourself and act like a normal sober person ... LOL ... you now have the tools necessary to handle most any thing that comes up now ... that has to be a comfort to you ...
God Bless you and grant you the courage to enjoy yourself when you go,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I just got back from a five day vacation with my in-laws. I didn't know my husband had told them I was in recovery until they started congratulating me and telling me they were proud of me! I could have chosen to hold a resentment against my husband for telling them without my knowledge but it just didn't seem too very important. Instead, I was able to share some strength, hope and experience with people who were questioning their own alcohol consumption and those that were worried about people they know that might have a drinking problem.
I was surrounded by alcohol at dinners and a huge party and was able to have a great time at these occasions with no temptations or cravings. I thought about what it would be like to drink, played out the whole story in my head, and stuck to the club soda. I stayed in a place of gratitude and held tight to my Higher Power's hand. :)
I hope your trip goes well, lovely lady. You've made so much progress and I just have a good feeling this will work out for you.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I had to do this with my own family....Forget the In-Laws....We had a Family Reunion that had been planned a year before I got sober....I was in my first month...And it was held in the state I live in. I was pretty scarce for that slugfest....But I noticed the small amount of time I was there....They all toned back their drinking...I never asked them too....Must have been guilt. As far as your 5th step goes....I'm not sure about Sainthood, but you can count on this stuff happening...I love these promises from the fith step...I was delighted.
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.
They are just people Tasha. Their proverbial crap smells too. I have this uppity side of my family that I have never had much contact with growing up. I always assumed they were "too rich" and too snobby to have much to do with us. Come to find out that several of them also have addiction and mental health issues and their lives have not been lived on pedestals of perfection looking down at me. Hrmm.
On a gut level, it would seem you now know that having a problem and doing something about it is something to be proud of and not something to be ashamed of. It's as simple as "self-esteem in, shame out" but what eluded us for so long is that it required a new way of living and a commitment to spiritual fitness in order to make it happen. Who knew? lol.
You have some of the promises coming true for you in different degrees already - and you are amazed before you are halfway through right? It's as if someone wrote these things in a book right? :) More good stuff is in store if you keep to the program and your steps. It will be new degrees of freedom from alcohol and from the bondage of self. This is all hinging upon you staying committed to the recovery process. You are right in that there is no finish line here. Progress rocks. Perfection would suck anyhow cuz then there would be nothing to learn in life and learning is a beautiful thing.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Of course, I thought I would need to have done my 5th step before this trip, but because my sponsor was ill for our initial meeting, it had to be rescheduled for the day I come back. (This Sunday)
I wasn't sure if that was going to be okay. (You do know that the 5th step transforms me magically into an angel princess saint right?)
Have a wonderful fifth step angel princess!...You will be delighted!!
