Since finishing my 90x90, I've been going to 3 meetings per week. At first, I thought maybe I burnt myself out on AA. Juggling a family and working in a meeting or 2 every day was a lot for us. Toward the end, every time I merely walked by the front door, my daughter would run up to me, grasp my legs and cry "Mama don't go!". Day after day, I would leave anyway, telling her I love her, and I'll be back soon. Finally, I could say "I'm going to be home with you today Layla, I'm not leaving". It felt good. She was over joyed.
I took some time for myself. I'm seeing now how taking care of myself, is so important to how I feel. I excersise. I eat right. I pay attention to how much I'm sleeping. I did lots of guilt free shopping to be honest. I updated my clothes from the millenium, got a few pairs of earings, a tube of lip gloss... I look more like me again... I had completely lost myself.
I had quit teaching from my studio - quit all playdates - quit EVERYTHING in life I was responsible for, and started actually leaving my kids with a babysitter, for the first time since they were born. 6 yrs without a real break, and now I was getting a break every single day! For a long while, I didn't think I would be able to live without my meeting every day. After 3 months, I was feeling so much better, and can now easily handle the day at home with them, and have been adding some responsibilites other than my home and family, back into my life. I plan to resume teaching in the fall, and have been doing the usual mom swaps, kids events and children's museum regimen that I used to do with shaky hands and a fake smile. It's going great, and I have a real connection to life again.
The joy that I'm finding in life is very steady. The ups and downs are worth every penny it cost to hire babysitters, and drive back and forth to town daily for meetings and sponsored work. We had to budget 200 dollars a week for that, and it's about 1/2 that now... probably about what I spent on booze per week before... sad... but at least there is no financial blow we weren't already used to.
The biggest blow was the money I was no longer bringing in... on top of the 200 a week it was now costing. Still worth it. What if I had drove drunk with my kids, went to prison, lost them... or worse.
A few tears... a few dollars... it's nothing compared to what I've been spared.
As I said, there are ups and downs, and they are worth every penny. What I mean by that is, for me to be a part of my life... all of it... is worth more than money can buy.
The fact that I do not drown away the good and the bad, in a cloud of disgust, unsure of everything, afraid and miserable... is something I just couldn't have imagined possible. There was no way I could wrap my head around the possibility of being GRATEFUL for ALL of life - the good, the bad, and everything else.
The calm I feel is so REAL and it fuels itself. When I think about how blasted fortunate I am to feel like this... that is the fuel itself. When I say thank you... fuel.
Thank you!!!!
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Just think ... ... ... When you read the stories of others, there will be parts of what they share that you think, wow, I didn't go through that ... Yes, you missed a lot of the misery that some of us went through, but enough to wake you up to the fact you needed to do something ... some of the horrible things others went through were the "YETS" for you ... you hadn't gotten that bad 'YET' ...
I'm thrilled you found recovery before a lot of the 'yets' you spoke of, came about ... Because really, it was just a matter of time ... Your post reminded me of the early days when I came to AA ... I was pretty much proud(pride) of the fact I hadn't had a DUI, nor had I been to jail, nor had I wrecked my vehicle, nor had I lost my license, ... not 'YET' ... I DID NOT STICK AROUND ... I was too smart too allow that crap to happen to me ... well, guess what??? ... I went back out to do some more 'research' and King Alcohol 'won' ... He beat the sh_t out of me ... He gave me the 'yets' ... I did get a DUI, then came the 4 days in jail, later that year I wrecked my truck, six months after dropping 'collision' insurance on it ... (since the truck was paid off) ... the cost of the DUI, bail, lawyer, probation, DUI school, the wrecked truck and other related expenses went way over $15,000 ... (Lost my license for a year) ...
So you GO girl ... family time is very important right now, but keep in mind you need to stay in 'fit' spiritual condition ... sobriety should be our number one priority, else there will be no family to care for ... (I know you know this, ... I said this mostly for the benefit of others that may happen across this thread) ...
God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you, Tasha, a wonderful revelation. in AA we are climbing a beautiful staircase, each day is a blessing, each year the view gets better. best of all we get our lives back to be the person we are meant to be. hugs from sheila
This sums up AA for me...It says it all. Great post and keep trudging Tasha!!...It's quite a journey.
Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
That's wonderful, Tasha! It's so good to read such an upbeat post, so full of gratefulness. It gives me hope for the good things yet to come provided I stay on the "beam" (meeting topic from the little black book the other day)
__________________
You can't change where you've been, you can only change where you're going
I was one of those that stopped just in "time" after a relapse. I thank God I listened to the speakers. I saved my children from suffering pain, which they did not ask for. Recently I heard a speaker share: "My wife & I made a marriage contract for better or for worse. My children were not a part of that contract." My wife and I made a lot of sacrifices to go to meetings and leave the 2 small children with their grandma, but it paid off. 24 years later we saved the children from going the same path that I trod.
Persevere Tasha, it's worth it. The alternative is tragic. My sponsor relapsed after 8 years. His son, the same age as my son, is now a full blown drug addict. We cannot let up on our spiritual condition, as Pappy says also.
Glad you stuck around long enough to experience the miracle :) You are very blessed. Some people are eluded by this precious gift. Thank you for sharing your sobriety with us.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
That's for sharing your story! I'm glad I came across it. I think sometimes we tend to talk about our struggles in meetings and "how do I get through" an issue. It's nice to hear someone share on a "burning bush" moment or some positive upbeat experience they had in sobriety. That's why we're hear, to enjoy and bring as much as we can to this thing called life!
Thanks so much for your post! Just what I needed!
__________________
Willingness without action is fantasy!
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
