It feels like I am at the beginning again, but coming from a deeper perspective. I have been in AA for several years and searching for some kind of understanding (meaning). My life has changed so much, that, all my concepts, ideals which I lived by, hold very little meaning and seem quite futile.
It's a hunger for a deeper meaning/understanding which is not being fulfilled. I am going to meetings, Big Book study, Step Meetings but not hearing or being fulfilled like I used to.
I ask my HP on a daily basis for guidance. I am not ungrateful for the wonderful life I have today and truly thank God for what He has given me.
Hope I don't sound too precious, as I am sure it's another stage in my sobriety and need to share it and hope someone can identify
I have had tendencies like this. Lately I'm accepting I'm right where I'm suppose to be. The deepest part about most anything is what I learn from any situation, and how I turn it into my Higher Power's will for my life.
Recently I've learned how powerful a simple gesture from someone was. A lady gave me a small silver token stamped with an angel. Today, I don't really believe in angel's, but her giving that to me out of blue, with a huge smile on her face, and that is all, was very powerful. I smiled every time I thought of it in my pocket, and when my daughter found it later, she was thrilled. It brought a lot of happiness to our day.
I plan to find some more of these little tokens, or something similar, and give them to new comers as I meet them at our home group. I'm learning that reaching out, no matter how - like you're doing here - gives life meaning.
I'm starting to see that in my life, the most meaningful times are in simple moments. I don't know if you have children, but one thing that comes to mind is that first smile you reflect with your baby after 3 long months of changing poopy diapers, constant feeding and lots of crying.
All those months of work - for me - were worth it - for that brief shared moment of joy.
I'm an alcoholic, I want it to be all deep, all meaningful, all joy. I've spent a lot of time looking for more. I still do it. But sometimes now, I can stop and appreciate the work - and see it for more. See it as the "more".
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Yeah, I've been there too, Kate - like it was almost yesterday. The truth is, I happier today than I've ever been before, thank God. So keep searching, at least for now. It can only get better from here. I never thought my life would materialize like it has, but then again I never gave up hope either. I knew there was something of greater benefit outside my sober existence, but I didn't connect the dots until later on in life.
I was sober for about 5 years, went through the usual struggles for another year after that, and then out of the blue I started to search for some kind of significance other than the usual hand-me-downs. I prayed, sought out some kindly advice and then trusted the only source that never let me down, my higher power whom I call God.
I started to write again after all these years and the rest has been etched in a one day at a time philosophy that never seems to change, and I mean ever. Then, out of the blue, I received a welcome reward; all my efforts finally panned out-which I knew is the work of my higher power. This one unique 'God" moment has blessed me in so many ways I can't even imagine. The key though, was letting go and letting God. Once I did, everything else started to fall into place like it should.
All of us are endeared with certain qualities that make us unique -whether it be writing, parenting or artists just to name a few. But the facts still remain the same: They're endeared to us by our creator and it is our task to use these talents for the greater good. The only thing preventing this from happening is us, period. So discover what makes you happy and then make it 'our' priority to pursue those interests in the same manner we do sobriety. This was my turning point, indeed, and maybe yours too. So keep imagining the possibilities and always seek for answers wherever they can be found. It's the only clear choice that truly matters, so please do.
I've been to the brink more times than I choose to remember, but now I'm poised for change. So change I must. For some of us, however, there's still one question remaining in limbo; am I willing to make that sacrifice? I am, how about you? I hope so dear, starting today.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 14th of July 2012 12:48:09 PM
I can definitely relate to this. I've been searching for new things to learn about myself. Am I good at this? Could I do that? Would I like to go here? Am I a linguist? A mathemetician? What are my goals? How am I going to fill my time? That's what brings meaning to my program, self actualization, community service and hobbies.
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
I went through something similar to what you described ... then there was a great therapist I met in my last rehab ... he gave me a book called "The Shack" and the last half of that book changed my life and my perspective of life ... then I started reading out of the Bible and found my higher power, God, speaking to me through that medium ...
Amazingly, this filled the emptiness I had inside the whole time ... this was the missing link for me ... give it a shot if you like ... it just might be the answer you're looking for ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
AA is not going to always be the source of all the meaning in our lives. It allows us to have richer and more complete lives in which we can try new things and have new experiences and not be afraid or slaves to alcohol.
Perhaps try a new hobby - do something different. If you are unfulfilled it's not necessarily because you are spiritually unhealthy but because you are not doing some things that maybe you would like to.
I could be wrong but just a thought.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Are you as open and willing to learn as you used to be? Just a thought. I find I start to struggle when my willingness to learn is not where it should be. When all else fails, work with another alcoholic!
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Willingness without action is fantasy!
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
