Aloha All...most of you know the 9th step the wording and intent. I've had a long 3 decade relationship with it and with asking for the guidance from my HP on one especially. It is 38 years old and happened during the drinking years...my alcoholic girl friend's and mine. It happened in a foreign country among very very good, honest and caring people who demonstrated their love and kindness and concern for this writer openly. I however was seriously messed up and had not approached the doors of Al-Anon or AA yet and didn't know that I didn't know what was going on and what my part was and was supposed to be. I did something apalling using a native woman the wife of a well known and respected business man and family. I got in trouble by my own free will and used her to try to hide my wrongdoing. It didn't work out because too many people knew of it in this small community including the police and courts and government and she was highly respected and looked upon. When this amends to come arrived with the direction of my Higher Power I made attempts to try to find a way to make it right. The 9th step says in part "....except when to do so would injure them or others." I cannot doubt that her husband and family learned about her attempt to coverup my illegal behavior and that to bring it up again would cause wounds to open up again. Also there was the disrespect of the culture and the fight with the police also involving another native person. I left their country with a warrant out for my arrest and I'm sure owing money in fines. I just left and left it behind me...so I thought until my Higher Power put it in front of me again.
Last night at a cultural get together of my own nation there was a guest there from the nation I disrespected and to who's people I had caused pain and she didn't know about it because she was younger than I and my Higher Power reminded me of an amends not yet made. I asked this woman to sit with me and listen to what I had to say and to see if she could possible help put me incontact with those I needed to apologies to and make also the amends. I told her that I needed to do it without causing additional harm to anyone and she told me she is a woman of great respect and anonymity..that she would make inquiries properly and attempt to connect them to me as she did. I apologized to her for what I did to her people and her culture though she wasn't aware of what I did. She now understands more and told me, "You should come back to us again" and I am so sad for that love that still exist after what I did and never made right over the years. I will not do a thing that causes additional pain and harm. I have learned that if it still lives in the memory it is still painful to all of the victims. I have learned that from other amends I have made for my past actions during the active alcoholism. '
I cannot help but understand that this woman was there because my Higher Power wants my spirit and soul free of this apalling memory and that it is now a time to find a finish within the guidelines of the program. I brought it here to talk about it so that I will not turn my back on it and continue to discount and diminish past harmful actions on my part. We are not saints...the program states and we progress in recovery. If my former elder sponsor was still alive I would tell him I no longer have doubts about making it right and I will allow myself to be led thru it.
As you had stated the 'desire'to make amends is our primary motive for working our 9th step! A road we will travel and instilled with that guidance of our Higher Power ,wanting to make theses amends, without injury to an individual and others. Sometimes WE will only be able to move forward not being able to make"direct' amends but we will find some other way.As long as our desire to meet ,face to face,the destruction we have caused in our active years,our Higher Power will show us the way(I firmly believe this)The same honest examination that we used to write our inventory,make our admissions,the ego deflation's of our 6th and 7th steps and our realistic look how we may have harmed all work together to increase our humility and continue to provide us with the motivation needed to work this 9th,wherever possible.Thanks for the heartfelt share and a reminder that our humility increases as we continue to make our amends making God centered choices in our approach.Memories of our past will not hold us back and new possibilities will arise...Peace brother,stay blessed and walking in the Light!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
