I am the alcoholic in my family, sober over 10 years, through the steps. I am praying about this issue and not sure what to do.
My mother is a manipulator, control freak, guilty, angry, dominating. Needles me to get me to react when I talk to her. A few days go by and she acts as though nothing happened and calls me happily to chat about the weather. All my life I played along, not wanting to believe it or feel the pain. This has caused me al kinds of problems in my own adult relationships. A few times I have gotten angryand she and my father both tell me that everything is, and always was, my fault.
I drank over this and did all sorts of things to get everyone's validation in my adult life. My relationships are a mess and basically I have none. I've destroyed my reputation and health over these patterns repeating with others.
But I am growing. I have accepted I'm the family scapegoat but don't want to be a "victim". I have made my amends to them, nothing changed on their part. I no longer react to my mother's needling, it has hurt less and less with time. This past week when she did it again though, I told my father briefly and nicely that I did not see that I fit into a family party they had over the weekend. He tried to tell me again I needed to show up for him, that everything is my fault, but I didn't go.
It was lonely and painful. I left myself out. But isn't it time to detach? Did I do the right thing?
Some would say "Save yourself!" But isn't that all pride? Aren't I the one here supposed to tolerating people and living by principles?
The principle I see is: Not saving others, not enabling, being free so I can heal and work for God better.
But what about the principles of Love, Patience, Tolerance, Compassionate understadning?
I don't know if I should detach from these sick people who are unwilling to go to 12-step recovery, or how to do it, or to what extent.
They are enormously successful and intelligent but won't get help, I think I make it too easy for them to bother.
I'm pretty new at this...But I don't care who it is...If anybody or anything is coming between me and my sobriety... My sobriety has to come first....Without it...I'm nothing.
Hi Susan, ... ... Being sober 10 years should be enough time for your parents to see the real you ... If they refuse to treat you like the sober adult you are, then the problem is not on your end, it's on theirs ... They don't have to be alcoholics to be sick ... there are many sick people in this world that have nothing to do with alcohol or drugs ... we just have to learn to use our AA tools in order to have the solutions to situations which used to 'baffle' us ... You have all the tools in your hands to carry on through this situation and come out smelling like a rose ... If this problem with your parents is causing you grief, then get with your sponsor and find out just which tool it is your missing, get and fix the problem ...
You cannot fix your parents nor do you need to try ... you can only fix yourself through this program ... Through prayer, hopefully, your parents will someday come around and have that relationship you so desperately want ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I've learned in The Program that I no longer have to be a doormat. Love and tolerance of others is my spiritual code I practice to keep myself well. That means I try to no longer allow others behavoir to dictate my thoughts, feelings and actions. Their behavoir is a reflection of their realty and not mine. That means I try not to allow unacceptable behavoir of others to infiltrate my life- for any length of time. If others behavoir is not acceptable to me, I don't spend time with them.
Like Stepchild said: ...If anybody or anything is coming between me and my emtional sobriety... it's gone. It has to be that way for me and my well being.
Thanks, Python, They are sick but I understand them...I just don't know if I should stay around them and use love & tolerance I use with other people, or if I should detach for a while.
Thanks Mike, Stepchild hit it right on the money - the keeping it simple of the newcomer can often be forgotten!
Then again, in the last analysis, isn't this all just my pride and ego ? Isn't this an inside job?
setting boundaries and not showing up at a family event this weekend caused me to feel angry and immature. I just don't know if that's the right direction.
How can I show other alcoholics love & tolerance, but not my own mother & father?
In the Big BB, as Dr. Bob called it ... ... we're told to cleave to our spouse and leave our parents ... (something about growing up I expect) ... and I guess this would hold true whether one is married or not ... however, I think we should at the very least 'respect' our parents regardless of their opinion of us ... I have known of cases where moms and dads still treat their 50 year old kids like little immature brats ... LOL ... sorry, this is not funny ... well, in some cases, it really is ...
Just try to remain the bigger person here and go to their 'get togethers' if you can, but always have an 'out' if the situation becomes unbearable ... Like stepchild said, don't allow them to get between you and you're sobriety ... the time you can tolerate being around them will depend on your 'spiritual fitness' ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
But you're right and I know it...I should have gone and used principles, love & tolerance. I was afraid because there would be other sick family members there and felt I wasn't ready to see them yet. I probably used my mother's behavior as an excuse. See? There it is, the truth, and it came up because I just looked at some writing I did a while back where I kept it simple.
I will go from now on, that's what God has been saying to me all day!
I have found that what I do makes little difference. Why I do it make a great deal of difference.
It's been some twenty years now since I've spoken with my mother. I am not angry at her nor do I have any resentments toward her. My mother, like everyone else in the world, does their very best...my mothers best simply sucks. It doesn't make her better or worse than anyone - it simply is. My mother is very much like yours: manipulating, control freak, etc. I simply don't like being around people like that and so I don't. Relationships take energy - even the good ones. For me, I invest in those relationships which have the capacity to be healthy and cut my losses with those I find are not healthy for me.
It does not mean that I have no love or tolerance for those people with whom I cannot have a healthy relationship, it simply means I save more energy to invest in those who are able to reciprocate.
I have found that what I do makes little difference. Why I do it make a great deal of difference.
It's been some twenty years now since I've spoken with my mother. I am not angry at her nor do I have any resentments toward her. My mother, like everyone else in the world, does their very best...my mothers best simply sucks. It doesn't make her better or worse than anyone - it simply is. My mother is very much like yours: manipulating, control freak, etc. I simply don't like being around people like that and so I don't. Relationships take energy - even the good ones. For me, I invest in those relationships which have the capacity to be healthy and cut my losses with those I find are not healthy for me.
It does not mean that I have no love or tolerance for those people with whom I cannot have a healthy relationship, it simply means I save more energy to invest in those who are able to reciprocate.
Okay, I confess, I made reference to leaving our parents above, but I did not use the Big BB in the right context ... sorry ya'll ... thanks for making me look it up odat ...
My reference was of the passage in Genesis 2:24 ... ... ... it says that a man and a woman shall become one ... and this is the reason for leaving our parents ... Okay, I'm bad ...
But I think the point to be made here remains that IF we are in fit spiritual condition, then we can do all sorts of things and go to all sorts of places without jeopardizing our sobriety ... (even to those places that we'd rather not be at, but would promote 'good will' just the same)
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I'm pretty new at this...But I don't care who it is...If anybody or anything is coming between me and my sobriety... My sobriety has to come first....Without it...I'm nothing.
I agree. No one should ever come between us and our sobriety. It's a no brainer for me. Remember: "No one can make us feel inferior unless we allow them to". So don't, period. My sobriety must come first, regardless.
