I hit on this topic every time I end up speaking at a meeting or talking about steps 1-2-3, and the fact is, my memory of my first year of sobriety is a bit... well, weird. I have a very good memory of most of my life, all the way back to early childhood. I've kept it alive telling and retelling stories. My father was particularly interested in documenting things and he took a lot of pictures - with a decent camera, many of which I've only recently seen. So I can tell you a lot of details about almost any time in my life.
Except for my first year of sobriety. Oh, I can tell you about people I met in AA, and meetings, and work. But my memory of what it was *like* is vague. I did some journaling then - not something I've ever been obsessive about, but I wrote some "vents" bitching about things here and there. When I look at them today, it's as if they were written by someone else. I feel more connected with my last year of drinking than with my first year of sobriety.
I think part of the reason for this is because maybe for the first and only(?) time in my life, I was not running on self will. I remember struggling with the third step, but in hindsight, I did 1-2-3 just to get in the doors of AA. While I worried about whether or not I could do step 3 "right", I had already done it and I was really just procrastinating on doing step 4 right. That did take a while longer.
But that first year sober... perhaps is characterized by the absence of an agenda. I always have an agenda. It changes constantly, but I've always got a plan, a goal. That year, I just went with the flow. I was too fascinated by where the flow was taking me to have time for an agenda.
Of course once I had some sobriety, I did develop goals and plans. They weren't all that different than they were when I was drinking. Getting sober didn't change me into a different person. It didn't change the things I wanted to accomplish in life - it just gave me a chance at actually accomplishing some of them.
Not long after I picked up my one year coin, I found out my marriage wasn't in as good of shape as I thought it was. It wasn't over (yet). But my second year was all about me wanting to fix that "problem". I had to make a very difficult decision early on in my second year. I made the correct decision. But that's another story.
Thanks Bari, for the stroll down memory lane. You've been plotting a sober course for some time now and we Bari had the privilege of watching that unfold. So keep that momentum going Bari, and inspire us all into greater service.
Thanx Bari! My first couple years were also a little blurry but I do remember subbing some other things,gambling,martial arts,gun club,running,church group,continued working in band etc. to keeping the poison away.I had put the substance down after 25 years but early on I was just abstinent and not working recovery.By Gods grace and mercy I made it to the 'solution"!!
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
