My sponsor has PTSD also, Tasha. He's been suffering through grave emotional and mental disorders most of his adult life, even after many years sober. He still goes through phases, though, just like most PTSD victims, but his disorder is manageable today, same as his alcoholism.
He's been through a lot in his 50+years of living and some of those episodes can cause him distress even today, but he never gives up hope. He takes additional measures to combat this issue, just like he does his drinking. And so should others as well. The flare ups continue to happen even after 20 years of continous sobriety, but he's living better today than he's ever done before and that's what matters most of all. So don't fret dear, there's 'help' available today for yourself and my sponsor alike. All we need to do, though, is ask.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 6th of July 2012 02:24:00 AM
I closed my eyes, and lightening struck the lids. Demons flashed their ugly faces at me, laughed at me, beckoned me to follow them. My headless ex boyfriend flew into my window and wanted me to follow him... somewhere in a world between here and there... no where.
I jolt out of my bed. I'm terrified. I itch... my body is eating me alive. My flesh is burning and I can't scratch it. I dunk my head under cool water in the bath tub. Drag my emotional body back to bed. My cat purrs next to my head, and I focus on that sound... the horror is a little less... Fluffy is my God. I fall to sleep, and it begins again.
6 months later, I am a zombie now. The doctors and counselors do not help me. Sleeping pills and anti anxiety meds do not stop the night terrors.
I drink a glass of wine... and I am spared insanity for the night.
Alcohol is my God.
Slowly, the post traumatic stress disorder fades away. The panic attacks are not a threat. I am not afraid. I can sleep at night... but alcohol does not fade, it is still my God.
How can I ever explain what it feels like to have a perfectly good mind ripped on and tormented.
God knows already.
I have never spoke to anyone else about what it feels like to have PTSD.
Does anyone have experience like mine?
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I had quite severe PTSD when I returned home after the military. I was able to heal from the events that brought on the PTSD with alot of work. Recntly I have discovered that I am suffering from it once again from another series of events and am working on correcting the problem again. You can too.
I don't know if I did suffer PTSD, Tasha but I used to be a depressed lonely human being during my drinking days and for part of my sober days. My sponsor taught me to pray and that's all that AA members in our part of the world speak about: "Did you pray about it? Well, ask to remove it without resorting to chemicals." Even our dry out centres use prayer more than chemicals. I must admit that these newcomers come out really strong emotionally.
One of my group members with about 50 days of sober time, has already got a newcomer he is "sponsoring." Sometime the new one falls but our man keeps his 50 days. My honest opinion is that if a person can afford counselling with a good counsellor, then they should go. Physical check ups by a good doctor and good nutrition also contribute to our well being.
YESSSSS!! and I don't drink or it will get worse. What I've learned is my PTSD is fear brought forward. I'm naturally fear based when the program isn't prevailing. I've learned too much here to just roll over anymore and I normally now do the work which was soooo hard to consider when I first got sober. FEAR False Evidence Appearing Real...my head is doing drama...negative fantasy and I'm going with it to my demise. My PTSD relapsed after I was assaulted by the local police on 11/8/11 and I had to return to being realtime in defeated it. At the moment it is 11:30 PM in the evening...I've had 2+ hours of sleep and then the assholes in my head returned from being a public disturbance to my own personal group. I try to defeat it for a while...then get up and take a PM asprin, come to the computer and wait for that to make me yawn...when I yawn I'm good to go down for another 6 or so hours. Will wake up in a downer but my body will have rested. Just yawned...soooo I'll be checking in later. ((((hugs))))
Hey Tasha..I've been told by every therapist/social worker etc that I've spoken to about my upbringing that I have PTSD. Ive been told that the sheer severity of abuse, young age at which it began, and duration of time it continued makes it nearly impossible that i dont have it to some degree.I don't really have many nightmares pertaining to abuse ( by my father, then by foster fathers) but I was a "cutter" for a while, and the drinking copious amounts of alcohol I've been told is a direct manifestation. I always denied and fought the diagnosis because I thought that further victimized me, and that by having it the abusers had "won". As though I could choose to have PTSD or not! I'm honestly not sure if I suffer from it, I became such an alcoholic and lived in such a daze due to that, that I couldn't really articulate what was going on emotionally. Ive noticed that men who are around my fathers age I either run to if they seem kind (not in a sexual way, just like they have all the answers to life) or am disgusted by. Whether or not that's a manifestation of PTSD I don't know, but i think I can understand what you mean anyway. I probably simply masked any symptoms with booze, as we all did.
I have no experience in this direct area. I do have nightmares though, and I wake after one of them really anxious and fearful. I do what I do every morning after waking- pray and then move my feet. The anxiety and fear pass afterwhile and I'm restored to sanity. I guess after going through it many times I learned to let it pass- this too shall pass. I also know today the God has my back and I don't have to understand why I have these, but only to let them go.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Thanks everyone - I had PTSD about 10 yrs ago - it slowly went away (even though I was drinking) after a few yrs. I still have night MARES - but I do not have night TERRORS anymore - and no longer have panic attacks or the rashes. That all went away with time and learning to "turn my mind". I still had normal reactions such as guilt for many more years though, and my alcoholism had a hold on me by then. I am doing my 5th step on Tuesday - and I'm excited to let God remove more of this from me : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
