When at the end of the road ,WE can go on to the end, jails ,institutions,deriliction or death or find a new way to LIVE! With the God of my understandings grace and mercy I was able to choose the latter.
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I came to believe, finally, that I was alcoholic and have a disease that wants me dead...I know that ending, the writing is already on the wall. And I agree with mikef, by God's Grace and Mercy for me, I have been provided an exit for now, for today!
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~Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will~
I got sober because I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
For me? ... ... ... I was near death ... like mikef said, I too, had one of two choices to make ... one was to live life and the other was death (which to me means institutions or jail, it's all the same, I would be dead) ...
15 years earlier, I had decided AA wasn't for me ... I kept trying and I kept failing to control my drinking ... after four trips to 'rehab centers' ... I finally surrendered to that fact that I was closer to death than I had ever been before ... Why am I here right now ??? ... You and I will have to wait and ask God that question, cause by all that is holy, I should be dead ... several times over ... this is not B.S. for those of you who don't know me ... I got to where I couldn't even make it to the mail box to get the mail ... (some hundred feet from the house)
It really is a SLOW, miserable death ... I really don't think I have another relapse left in me this time ... One drink to me, means certain death ... Which makes me wonder why? I fought the AA way of life for so long before making a decision to stay ... Love it, Love the people ... go figure!!!
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I was losing my mind. Coming out of blackouts in the middle of the night, walking around the house looking for the friends that I was drinking with. I was home alone.
When at the end of the road ,WE can go on to the end, jails ,institutions,deriliction or death or find a new way to LIVE! With the God of my understandings grace and mercy I was able to choose the latter.
Precisely what Mike says here. There is another type of insanity when we go beyond this, with all kinds of excuses. On 13 April 1988 this insanity stopped, but the thought of a drink did not until I could clearly see my rock bottom which came on the 18 August 1988.
This is why I love the Fellowship of AA...it doesn't matter what gender we are, where we live and the rooms we attend, or what we do for a living. I resonate with each one of these posts. Just like I resonate with the shares in the rooms. Gonee, you're fortunate that you could see your rock bottom. For this alcoholic, just when I thought I had...I found I just dug deeper to a new bottom. This is why I say the 3rd Step Prayer, and the Serenity Prayer, in my head constantly throughout the day. Right now, I'm too fresh and close to the insanity.
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~Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will~
For me? I had lived my life in insanity for years, I was a hamster on a wheel..time simply passed. I realized I was thinking I had been drinking intensely for a lot longer than I perceived. The physical toll was a lot worse than I was telling myself. I began to not care if I had a job, friends or a place to live. Literally all that mattered was the drink in front of me, and the ones after that. I began "breaking into" my landlords house in the middle of the night (we live in same house) to steal booze (any booze-didn't matter what type) after drinking at bar and having a bottle or two of wine alone. It was never enough. I would sit in my fav bar alone and no longer chit chatted with anyone, I was there to find oblivion. I had stopped eating..many reasons that hit me one morning all at once in a moment of clarity when I physically could not get out of bed..again..and I had to call out of both my jobs..again. God spoke to me. He simply said "stop this now or you will die very soon". I believed it.
I first tried to get sober to get the wife back and for the kids. I didn't realize at that time that I hadn't fully surrendered to this insidious diesase. I was trying to be complient, but not fully admitting I was an Alcoholic.
Several relapses and detoxs later I went to a new bottom. Incomprehensible demoralization, near death, jail and living with my mother. I didn't want to live and didn't want to die. The clarity came that if I kept drinking, I would loose myself and die. I then surrendered, and became ready to take action. I worked The Program for me. Having gone through The Steps I had a Spiritual Awakening. I and my life have changed. I now work The Program because my life keeps getting better. I love God, AA and the people in it. Thank you for the post.
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself.
Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did - then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!
He will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
I would like to think I made some sort of intelligent and noble decision about wanting to take my life in a different direction. In reality I had no idea what a sober life would be like, I just couldn't continue living in alcoholic hell.
In Short, my options really sucked.........
But what a wonderful road it has been.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I got sober for two reasons. 1. I couldn't stand the idea that there was something I didn't have any control over and 2. I found out that there was no law that said I had to drink. go figure.
Lol at reason #2 Jerry, so glad you figured that out. Apparently, you know, we NEVER HAVE TO do anything that we regret doing in our past ever again (drinking, embarrasing ourselves or family, "coming to" in unfamiliar places)
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
I got sober because I was given a # of days to live. DAYS WTF? I had esophageal hemorrhaging on top of the esophageal cancer that was starting. The day I got home from almost bleeding to death I was doing shots of Skoal Vodka. I stop drinking a few weeks later but walked away from AA after 30 days or, crazy God thing. Stayed clean for a year and a half. My back went to shit fast a year or so later. In 2 week period I went from riding my bike 50-150 miles a day to not being able to walk to the bathroom. I had no one to reach out to, no sober friends to call, no sponsor. I did what alcoholics do best I tried to drink myself to death, in one sitting. 5 days after my relapse started I was in the mental hospital on a 72 hour suicide hold. Wasn't until about hour 71 that they told me I was also on a homicidal hold, that is indefinite. They were just waiting on bed in the state hospital. Well this sucks. I went to my room and put my head between hands and just said I can't live like this, I am ready to do what ever it takes, I'll do anything. Not 3 minutes later a Dr comes in and says there is an AA meeting starting in about 5 minutes maybe you should go. Well I didn't have a burning bush moment in that meeting it was more like a forest fire. I am an atheist at heart but that night the universe slapped me up side the head and made me realize I was not the universe. The next morning the Dr told me, "I don't know what happened to you last night but you better hang on to it". What did you just say? It was another moment that just floored me. This guy told me almost word for word what Dr Silkworth told Bill. I was released the next morning, been sober since.
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Back issues have me knocked down but not out. 100% disabled, chronic pain patient and SOBER! Been sober since 11/04/2009.
I think st10 says "we got sober not by virtue but circumstance". I had no choice, it is AA or suicide. I still had to think about it, I didn't want to do anything too extreme like go to AA.
I stay because I like it. That pain is gone.
What kept me going to meetings at the beginning when I wanted to get wasted every second was the laughter. I think if you want to keep your newcomers around laugh a lot.
