I hear people saying that others saw in them a change brought about by the new tools and principles learned in AA.  That other people saw the change before they saw it in themselves. 

Well not me. 

I felt changes every minute of these 90 days, and I saw changes and felt the growing pains full on.

In this moment, I see it as the first fight I've ever struggled through no matter how tough it got, determined to overcome!  Except child birth of course, but even that I really had no choice over.  I was going to go through that without choice, and I actually wanted to give up and back out on the deal many times. 

I knew there was a reason I was drinking.  That it was too painful not to.  But I didn't really know just how painful it was going to feel in my heart to face it, and begin to uncover it.  The pain of it really, like birthing pains, is unbelievably intense, but in a very different way. 

The thing is, once you get through it, and you have your eyes on the "miracle in progress", you forget almost instantly, the torment that brought you to that point. 

Soon, you forget altogether how hard it is, get some urges, and before you know it, in our case, we drink again.  Maybe in others they have a few extra kids ; )

That's exactly why I needed to keep going to meetings - every day.  To be reminded... every day.  I don't know how often I'm going to need to be reminded for the rest of my life, but I do know, that TODAY, I have A LOT to be grateful for.  I've had it pretty easy over all, and my life is pretty peachy compared to some.  I can easily tell myself "it wasn't that bad" very quickly, and I've done it before.  I don't really have any damage to clean up, I don't have to find a home, or a job, or a new life.  My family is all together, safe and sound, sleeping in a nice warm bed. 

I'm starting to forget the pains of child birth - my daughter just turned 3.  If I do not remind myself every so often, I could end up with 19 kids.  Because of medical issues in that department too, having more kids isn't an option for me.

I feel the same thing going on with drinking...  But I remind myself every single day, of not only the despair and lonely world of drinking, but also the pain of getting sober.  The growing pains that must take place after relapse... harder than coming in the first time. 

Today I think of the people who have not been able to endure the pain.  The ones who still suffer.  I'm remembering that my prayer may bring them through it, just like some one else's did for me... when I couldn't do it for myself. 

This is a special day for me, and I wanted to be acknoledged by my husband.  He didn't find that appropriate to say, but did congradulate me on the 90 meetings in 90 days.  I blurted:  "Anyone can drag their ass to 90 meetings!  I was hoping you'd notice a change in me!"

So my journey continues.  I most certainly need to figure out why I seek this approval and recognition.  I suppose it's slapping you all in the face... so thank you in advance for your patience, kind words, and most of all, for being here.

 

 

Well done Tasha and a great post as usual.

Don't worry about the old man. Family are always a bit behind, but he'll catch up. Useful comments about the pain involved. No pain, no gain they say. Imagine how much less your sobriety would mean if you had found a way to avoid the pain. It seems nothing worthwhile is achieved without a lot of effort and a certain amount of pain.

God bless,
MikeH.

I was just over 3 years sober before my wife noticed the change. It was the day after I had done a thorough 4th & 5th step with my sponsor. She walked into Alanon immediately. After 8 years of sobriety, on my thanksgiving she was crying. She said: "You tell the whole world how sorry you are and how grateful you are, but you never say sorry to me for the pain that you caused." I put my arm around her and for the 1st time I started a serious amends process with my wife. I will be 24 years sober this August and married 30 years. We are the best of friends.

More than that we are able to sponsor other couples in recovery and we have built many happy families over the years. My son was 2years old when I entered AA and my daughter 5. They joined Alateen. They worked with other children and today also help AACA. Recently we started to meet every Friday as a family for prayer and thanksgiving.

Do not be discouraged. God has a way of rebuilding families. You have changed in 90 days. Now give your husband a chance to change. Observe the next 90 days. Work the steps and just pray for your husband. See how God will work in and through him.

Ah yes Vixen. I took my drive to the trailer park where people openly do the things I was so ashamed of I couldn't speak it or let anyone see. (yell at my kids, drink around my kids, argue with my husband). It always puts things into perspective as you can sit anywhere in that "park" with your windows down, and hear husbands belittling their wives at the top of their lungs, see people throwing empty beer cans at their kids, their kids building castles out of them, the wives taking out the hurt from their husbands on screaming at their kids - or the other way around. No lawns, living conditions worse than what our animals have, and the unsupervised kids running in the streets.

After my Mom divorced my Dad, she went to living like that. She gave up her big beautiful house in the country. She took 3 kids, got her first job, and gave it all up to not live with someone emotionally not connected to her. The most confusing kind of alcoholic. The kind with all the anger inside, all the turmoil, but who can stop drinking at 10????? I can't stop drinking after 3. By 10, it would take me being snatched away by aliens to a world with no alcohol to get me to stop at that point!!!!

I never considered how strong she was before today.  The anger I've felt towards her for all these years, due to the divorce, finally started to let go of me.

It almost knocked the wind out of me.

So. My little drive after leaving this message board this morning, was just what I needed to do. I had time to think on the ride, and time to think while sitting there. 

I realized it's not okay that my husband isn't emotionally connected and supportive to me today. But I decided that, I will wait and give it time. 

I realized that I don't need money. I don't need a fancy house in the country. I used to drive there and leave feeling like I should just put up with the lack of love and connection from my husband, because he provides a nice life. Today I left realizing that all I really need is love and connection... the rest is just stuff... and it doesn't love me.

I will start over by loving myself today...

-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 26th of June 2012 02:52:24 PM

pinkchip wrote:

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Tasha - I used to worry a lot in my first year if I had done and was doing enough to stay sober for the rest of my life. The answer is just to keep doing what keeps you sober for this day and it will add up.

At close to 4 years sober, I am getting more and more distant from the point of life I was at when I came into AA. I start thinking, "Can a few drinks really set me back that far after all these changes I've made?" Was my life really that bad? Was that really even me? At my core, I know the answer to that question is yes. I passed the critical juncture where I know I can never drink normally again. It just wont happen. I did screw up my life that bad and it would happen again.

So if you start reasoning that it wasn't that bad - Remember, Yes - it was that bad. Yes - you did almost lose your marriage. Yes. -you were not the parent you wanted to be or the person you wanted to be. Those kind of thoughts will keep your bottom where it belongs. This is why they say "we do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." Thank God it was that bad right? Cuz now you never need to sink that low again and if you think a miracle has happened already, wait till you compare yourself to presobreity Tasha even further down the road.

The moments of gratitude will hit you at times where you don't expect also. Even during difficult times when you realize the "old" you would have crumbled, but the sober you can now cope.

We are all miracles in progress every day that we learn and grow from life, each other, our HP's without reverting back to disease, self pity, and self-medicating with a toxic soul crushing poison for us which is alcohol.

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 Only one thing I don't agree with in this post...I would use "soul stealing"...Instead of "soull crushing"' Becauise I was spriritually bankrupt...Nothing left. 

stayhumble has some wise words there. I heal at my rate, the people in my world heal at theirs. I'd focus on being grateful he acknowledged the accomplishment and let the rest go. Find gratitude in the fact that many people don't even get that.

Hi Tasha,

Great post :} and as i so often say time changes everything. Sometimes I say to my dear old man I wish I had the same attention as our old cat gets from him Lol..Then I stand in front of him with a big smile and a kiss, always works :}...Apart from the times when he is hungry and tired ! Yep he has the same program as we have but we are all working it our own ways a different times !

If its of any help my daughters took a while to see the changes in both of us and were not fast in saying they were happy to see the changes either but one day they just came out and said how very proud of us they were. Thanks when the tears of gratitude and the making amends part came along :} Perhaps I could have made my amends first but that's the way it went.

I am sure you notice lots of little changes within the home now your sober and remember he will also as will the children. And that's what matters for now.Keep working at it your doing wonders. You are the miracle :}

Polly.X