Hello all, I thought i should stick my head in and thank everyone for thier support. Shortly before i wrote that post, minutes earlier in fact, i loaded a single shell in my shotgun and paced around for a few minutes. God stopped me and i am so grateful. I have continued over the course of my life to relapse, i get clean then think everything is ok and i take over again. I get into such horrible withdrawl everytime and its a little worse each time, this time was unbearable or so i thought. I was laying in bed this morning and i went to God and fell to my knees in shame and in so much pain. I finally was able to pray without something else entering my mind. I asked for forgiveness and i asked my God to hold my hand and stay with me thru the hellish withdrawl i was facing. I fell asleep shortly later and God spoke to me, i dont remember what he said i just remember waking up understanding things i never got before about this program and how i cannot do it alone. Throughout the day many thoughts and questions have come in to my head. Each one was answered in a silent voice, a comforting hand and reassuring. Ive never experienced this before, but ive others speak about it................I think i finally know what it means to truly let go..........oh and by the way i have been experiencing next to zero withdrawl effects.......explain that lol