My parents came to a school sports day to watch their grandchildren. While there Mum's mouth started flapping again. Yabbering on about various members of our family (not in a good way), telling me what I shared on facebook was a crock of bull****. Yesterday I unfriended her then she won't be upset about what I put up.
I thought I handled it really well. In the morning I said steps 1,2,3 and 7 prayers. Plus one for fear, the serenity prayer and the Lords Prayer. When she was talking I didn't react, snap or bite back. Just kept watching my children and looking at the sky.
Later that night and since I've been quite edgy. Not really sure what to do with all this again. Maybe I'll have to look into resentments towards her that are still with me from the other day.
Now my parents want to come up this coming weekend for my birthday. The anxiety is slowly starting to build inside and it's only Monday. My sister and her children are coming over, hopefully arriving as early as possible. Then I won't be alone with her. Some other people may be coming as well. The more the merrier then she'll behave.
I've thought of recording her and playing it back to her. I'm not sure if it'll make any difference but who knows it may help.
Do you have any suggestions on how to handle these situations? She's my Mum. I love her dearly as my Mum. It's what she says and behaves when she's with me that's upsetting. I hardly talk to her anymore ( to protect myself from attacks) as it is.
God never throws at us that which we can not live through. Your mom is your mom- and she won't change until she's ready (if ever) but you can ask for his guidance, and not fall into old reactions.
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
And as far as building nervous energy... Live in the moment. I find that if I don't walk into a situation with expectations, I'm way less likely to react negatively (good job on praying and watching the sky and your kids that day)
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
I agree with Ruhig ... even while your Mum is there, excuse yourself as often as necessary to the loo and say a prayer ... ... ... that gives you a break, plus, puts you in closer conscious contact with God ... It helped me in the past ...
My big problem with Mom and Dad in early recovery was that 'every freakin' time I was in their presence, my mind turned me into the 10/12 year old kid again ... Yes Ma'am, no Ma'am, yes Sir, no Sir ... I mean the 'respect' is still there of course, but my whole mentality went back to being a kid ... I am serious, at 50 years old (10 years ago) I felt like they might 'send me to my room' any moment ... heehee
Other than that, my folks didn't really interfere with my recovery ... Dad always told me that I needed more 'will power', then I could stop drinking whenever i wanted ... Heehee (Dad was and is NOT an alcoholic) ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I'm having an issue with something I want to change about my husband that I very very much dislike. I have been stewing and stewing, thinking and OVER thinking, feeling the hurt, and re-feeling it. Couldn't come up with anything I could really possibly do other than not try and change him, stop looking at what he's doing, look at myself, and remember that I can only change ME! If he knows I'm hurting, and still keeps it up, he will just find more and more boundaries, because that's all I can do to protect myself from the hurt truly. It's sad when it's someone you care about so much isn't it? HUGS Tracey!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
When problems arise with your spouse, the only thing I can think of that has worked for me in the past, is to live the program by going to your spouse and using 'total honesty', have a heart to heart talk ... let them know what it is that upsets or offends you ... ask them to try and be patient with you because 'sobriety' is now the 1st priority in your life and that you cannot trust yourself unless it remains that way ...
If the foundation of love is strong, then your spouse will indeed try to change what it is they do, that bothers you so much ... If we never tell them that something they do bothers us, then how are they supposed to know ??? ... and if we have told them and they refuse to change, then it must be discussed that this issue is starting to affect your sobriety and needs to be addressed ...
This is just one opinion from an old drunk, ... Hope that helps, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you all for your posting and for getting me thinking upon things today. I just had it when others have hurt me by their deeds or something that they have said, I have been known to fester over these hurts for day's knowing full well that this way is no good for me. Do I had things over straight away to my higher power asking for guidance and help to heal these hurts..No..! :{
And yet I drank on all the hurts others did to me never thinking of my ways and the hurts I caused. And then I started working the 12 step program to the best of my ability making amends where and when I could, looking at my part in things as I need to each day. Working problems through with others. Even still I take my time, ? :{ So often being my own worst enemy ! Thanks for the reminder today :}
Courtesy, Kindness, Justice and Love Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."
We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had shown none. With those we dislike we can begin to practice justice and courtesy, perhaps going out of our way to understand and help them.
Whenever we fail any of these people, we can promptly admit it - to ourselves always, and to them also, when the admission would be helpful. Courtesy, kindness, justice, and love are the keynotes by which we may come into harmony with practically anybody. When in doubt we can always pause, saying, "Not my will, but Thine, be done." And we can often ask ourselves, "Am I doing to others as I would have them do to me - today?"
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 93.
Yep I need to keep coming back,keep getting reminded and keep working on myself. :} Thank you all.
Love and tolerance is our code. But is it loving to tolerate intolerable behaviour?
As an active alcoholic, the more my behaviour was tolerated, the worse I got. It wasn't until friends, employers, family, community let me know in no uncertain terms that they would no longer tolerate my behaviour that I was given cause for concern. They demonstrated their intolerance by excluding me from their lives, I left them no choice. I knew they loved me, but I also understood my behaviour was intolerable and this was one major factor in me seeking help. When I came to AA I was taught this distinction. For example I would be happy to have an alcoholic staying in my house but I would not tolerate drinking behaviour. Carry the message not the alcoholic.
Part of the point of getting sober is to have a happy life which means I won't be a doormat or punching bag for someone elses emotional issues. I can and do set boundaries, I don't need that stuff in my life and I am not helping anyone by allowing it to occur. My mother and sister are cases in point. Both are chroninc alcoholics that have lost the ability to function on any normal human emotional level. There are about 102 in my family(people not alkies), 100 of which they hate with an equal passion. So I don't feel singled out, they hate everyone equally. Both have had every opportunity to get well, several rehabs, they are beyond human aid. Their behaviour, especially endless list of seething resentments, the lack of any interest in the children, the snide remarks and insults, is not tolerated in my home and they are not welcome for as long as they wish to behave that way. And waiting for any sign of change is a loooong wait, 30 years and counting.
I forgive them, I know they are unwell, and at the first sign of them wanting to change, I will be there for them. But for now there is no contrition, they continue with their behaviour and refuse to have anything to do with any of their family. It is a situation over which I am powerless. So I have long ago accepted what I cannot change. What I can change is that my family is not exposed to their behaviour. There is always the hope that one day, like me, they will run out of excuses, see the wreckage of their lives, and want to seek help. But it"s up to God if and when that will be.
God bless, MikeH.
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Monday 18th of June 2012 10:40:39 PM
Good thoughts Mike. Sometimes we like to bend the rules for the things or persons we reaaaaaaaaaaally love. For instance, if I really really loved chocolate, but my husband was allergic to it, to the point he couldn't even kiss me if I indulged, I would be happy to give that up for him. It's something I really really love, but I married him, and I love him more - so I would show him that nothing would be too much to give up. A life without another piece of chocolate would become part of my vows to him. If he asked me to give it up, and I didn't, and continually hurt him, I'm not sure how I would live with myself, and I sure wouldn't feel totally connected in our marriage. Especially if I was sneaking it and not telling him about it, not much different than lying straight to his face.
So what should he do with me if I constantly ate chocolate - meaning he didn't, or couldn't kiss me anymore - being disgusted and all... how would the program work in that situation?
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I'm not sure I understand your analogy exactly but it seems you are asking what he should do if your actions harm him but do not harm you. Perhaps with the exception of actions that are minor irritants, those cute little things that make him love you more, he would have to take action to protect himself from serious harm. If that was the nature of things between you, it would be unlikely you would have got married anyway. If he stayed in the relationship inspite of the harm being inflicted on him, one would have to start looking at issues of co-dependency. Similarly, if your appetite for choccies was causing serious harm to you as well, he would have to take some action. If he does nothing, the problem gets worse, but co-dependency may be a reason for doing nothing.
He might try an intervention type approach where he makes it clear the harm this is causing and gives you an opportunty to mend your chocaholic ways, saying that he cannot continue to live in this intolerable situation. There could be other situations such as a spending problem - retail therapy for example which can put a family under severe financial pressure (hurt them) in the same way. These things have to be faced and dealt with, and in the event that the offender does not mend their ways, the ways must part or the family will enevitably be forced into bankruptcy and all will be hurt.
Of course the old fashioned solution for the female alcoholic was to keep her confined to the home and keep her supplied. Sweep it under the carpet, and hope the community never finds out about her terrible weakness... what shame that would bring on the family!
In each of these situations it seems evident that pride can masquarade as concern, when really we might not want to admit that this is a serious problem which we alone cannot solve, and the result protects the offender from the consequences of their actions (and therefore any hope of recovery) and greatly increases the harm to all.
Bringing it back to the alcoholic, being exposed to the cold winds of reality often helps smash home the serious nature of their situation and this can only be good in the long run. Without admission of complete defeat and surrender, nothing much can be accomplished in the way of lasting recovery or rehabilitation.
Here is something you can try...Try lowering your expectations for you...And your mum....What do they say?....Expectations are nothing more than resentments under construction.
