After a long time of "stumbling" in this program I have found the basic principle that is helping me more than ever. I have been in a very ugly place which is where my alcoholism took me. I was there for years. I managed to have a spiritual experience that was keeping me sober, but I was still suffering, I still couldnt bring myself up to the old level I used to live on, the safe, normal level. I was reading about a rock star Ive been listening to for over 20 years since I was a kid and hes been through the hell of alcoholism and has recently got clean, he said:
"It was a long period of coming to the realization that this way (sober) is better. I was in recovery and this is the part that is scary for everyone but the individual has to kinda want it, and not just kinda but really want it and not to do that stuff anymore or it will just kill you"
This is the part where I was stuck, and why I now understand why the leaders at meetings say some members "Get it" much quicker than others. There must be a desire to get well, and not just a hope or wish that things were better, you need to seriously have a strong to desire to not drink and to get your life back, you have to really want it!
I was sitting in my room where Ive been living for over 3 years and I was at my absolute wits end, I was broken down and I had been sober 6 months and I was thinking "What the hell is wrong with me, what am I dying for" and It somehow came to me, I had the strongest desire to stand up and find myself and I ADMITTED i was an alcoholic, it came from such a deep place I thought I was gonna die from the inside, but I got it out of me and had the strongest relief Ive ever felt in my life, I began wanting to get well as strongly as I could and I began having more of a spiritual experience than ever, there is a god watching me, and protecting me while Ive been in this evil place, and as soon as I had a strong desire to get well,I admitted this was my problem, its not my families, its not the people around me, its my problem its my alcoholism, I accept it and I own it, and Im beggining to wiork the second step as certain as I can to restore myself to sanity, I feel Ive come miles so fast and Im letting go of every problem Ive had inside for years and I am in the hands of god. I am alive in a spiritual way right now, and Im ok.
Yes Closer - I totally agree about the desire, and not just sitting around hoping things will change. WANTING it! WORKING for it! Not being afraid to put it all on the line - to do whatever it takes - to say what's in your heart - no matter what people may think - to look at yourself truly, deeply, fearlessly - and be very afraid - and do it all again the next day - be thankful for it - unfathomably grateful no matter what - remember that you're only handed a day of life at a time - and that's exactly how it should be. Such a great post closer.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Not only was that a great 1st step, but there is something more profound going on with you that comes out in your writing. I remember something similar. It was around this time that I became willing to go to any lengths, and I found a sponsor to take me through the steps. I look forward to hearing about your 4th in the not too distant future:)
Great post Brian. I suffered from a spiritual malady that made everything seem so unrealistic, especially my alcoholism. This was just one of a twofold condition that affected my thinking. My drinking was just a symptom of a depraved mental condition. In order for me to see clearly again, I had to forgo all the nonsense and allow myself the privilege of another recovery. But it wasn't that simple though. I had to except my alcoholism first, and then with an open mind and a firm resolve start the process of recovery. I was able to recover, but only after I admitted my problem and then asked for help. No one has to be a prisoner to the chains of alcoholism, so keep your head focused and your mind open. The miracle will happen sir; all we have to do is wait. God speed...
Thankyou rob, mike, and mr. david. I am finding it much better now that Im working the program with the desire strongly to get well. Im looking forward to a good recovery, now that I can see much clearer.
