I've accepted that I have the disease of alcoholism. What was harder for me to accept, was that it means I have a mental handicap.
There is another layer to the acceptance of this disease for me.
I must also accept that AA is the solution to arresting my disease - and that's a big chunk of the cookie to swallow! I'm realizing it's just as important for me, to accept AA into my life with all it's "side effects" good and bad. I would be a fool if I actually thought that something wouldn't have a single "negative" side effect! Even the green tea that I drink every day to rid my body of free radicals, and hopefully prevent cancer, gives me a acidy tummy sometimes. The blueberries I eat in the morning, for all their brain boosting properties, give me a blue tongue for an hour. If I had cancer, I would have to accept the negative side effects the treatment for that has as well.
A few months ago, I could not have thought about it in this way - so I accept that progress will be slow, but it is in fact there.
I'm grateful to be where I am today - here with you... happy to be sober. I remain willing to accept ALL of life, and this program.
Thanks for being here.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Monday 11th of June 2012 09:46:56 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I'm not so sure I see the mental 'handicap' angle as much as I see it more a mental illness ... And the 'side-effects' ??? of AA ??? .... Hummmm ... ... ... I look at my side-effect as the 'new thinking' has replaced the 'old thinking' and I tend to be happy for no particular reasons now, rather than being depressed most of the time ...
I'm not sure I would view this as a 'negative' side-effect, but the fact that I don't want a drink seems rather positive to me ... I don't know, maybe it's where we are in our own sobriety that makes us feel different about whether, what we can/can't do, is a 'positive/negative' ??? ... It does take time to stop missing some of things we thought were fun while drinking ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am with Pappy here. Maybe I am missing something, but I don't think of AA has having negative side effects. It has solutions, fellowship, inspiration, etc. for me. I can't think of anything negative the program has brought to my life. The only negative is when I am not willing to listen to the suggestions of the ones who have gone before me. If I don't stay willing and open minded, I can set myself up for some negative consequences. That is my doing though, not AA's.
Good to see you in such a grateful place, Tasha. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I'm trying to not focus on the 13th steppers, and the mental turmoil I struggle with every day... watching friends who came in with me, go back out - the people who like me, aren't far enough along to reap all the benefits, and struggle to get there... lots of them worse off than me - the people I think are sane, only to discover they are seriously schizophrenic... The ones that come in with alcohol on their breath and fall asleep through the reading... but wake up and say they're grateful for AA, and sobriety... it all hurts my heart. I spend a lot of time thinking about it. That is my choice. It's a negative side effect for me. I don't know how not to let people get into my heart yet. Even people on here, who disappear - it really bothers me.
Just feeling that today, and trying to stay honest about everything I'm going through each day. I am TRYING my hardest to do what is asked of me, and stay positive. This is what I'm capable of today.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Tasha, I did my 5th step with two people. First, with a Catholic Priest, who was also in the fellowship, then with my sponsor. I didn't pull any punches with either of them. I do remember my sponsor making some comment about doing it twice, like I was wasting someone's time. He didn't "get it" but he didn't need to understand why I did it.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 11th of June 2012 09:25:28 PM
I think for you to be concerned for others and their success, or lack thereof, in staying sober, is nothing short of showing progress for you in the program ... I think we start making progress the moment we start getting a 'conscience' back ... ... ... Don't think that feeling sad for others is a bad 'side-effect', think of it as your very own spiritual improvement ... A caring attitude toward others may hurt when they don't work the program like you think they ought to ... but it's a 'good' kind of hurt ... It simply show you care and have love in your heart ... Absolutely nothing wrong with that ... well, the way I see it ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
We were actually discussing this at a sponsorship meeting last night. One of the men I sponsor brought two of his sponcees over. I always wondered what it would feel like to be a grand-sponsor. Anyway, one of them feels he might need to use a priest, a lawyer, and a sponsor and the question came up. Now, I didn't take my fifth step with my original sponsor. I took it with the person who sponsors me now and I didn't switch sponsors until the first one died so that was like 5 years. And I wondered about that too. However, I took my 4th step with my first sponsor so he already knew what all my defects were. After all, its during step 4 that we find out what our emotional deformities are so that we can move toward their correction in steps 5, 6, 7 8 and 9, etc. etc. Taking the 5th is almost redundant if the sponcee has been honest up to that point. Of course, I take their 4th steps "with them" because that's how Bill suggests in his story. pg. 13 "We made a list of people I had hurt or toward whom I felt resentment." I also feel that it isn't necessary for a sponcee to tell me every little resentment they've ever had for me to get the gist of what their character defects are. So personally I don't care if they take their fifth with me or the guy who sits beside them on the bus to work.
A couple weeks ago I lost my job. It was complicated and I won't go into it here. At first I was angry, hurt, disappointed, felt betrayed, it wasn't a very good five minutes. But thats all it took. I said a little prayer, did a few readings, tried to stop the squirrel cage from spinning. The squirrels are long gone but every now and then a gust of wind gets the wheel spinning. I thought, what would my sponsor tell me to do. He'd probably say read the book again. So I did. And I found a lot of reasons why I shouldn't be feeling the way I was feeling and a lot of suggestions about what to do to get out that headspace. Page 62. Sometimes people hurt us seemingly without provocation but we invariably find that at some time the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. And I had made one of those decisions about 6 months ago. The particulars are irrelevant. If you want to know more about it, ask my sponsor.
So Tasha says, whats the moral of the story. Not every day is going to be a diamond and some of them will look like a pile of useless black rock. But you know diamonds are formed out of carbon under pressure so in the end its not how many piles of black rock you got , its how many diamonds you turn those into. Or something like that.
-- Edited by Wolfie55 on Tuesday 12th of June 2012 12:37:15 AM
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of my days are worthless, anymore.
. The ones that come in with alcohol on their breath and fall asleep through the reading... but wake up and say they're grateful for AA, and sobriety... it all hurts my heart. I spend a lot of time thinking about it. That is my choice. It's a negative side effect for me. I don't know how not to let people get into my heart yet. Even people on here, who disappear - it really bothers me. ___________________________________________________
A couple of things come to mind. Everyone is going at there own pace. Some are sicker than others, and some get in here quicker with less damage/loss. We all have Angels and an HP guiding us looking out for us. Most of those people are going to be alright, they just lack willingness and desperation. And just because people "disappear" doesn't mean that they aren't somewhere else getting sober. I try hard to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, it makes me feel better. Too many times, I have felt badly for someone else, only to find out that I was wrong about them and wasted energy on it, that I could've spent on being happy and grateful. Don't worry be happy.
Ya - I try. Today I just so happened to be 13th stepped ON - found out the lady who came in at the same time as me - who was the lady that had the story worse than me, is back out drinking (for sure) - and I was giving her rides, and hoping so badly she would stay sober, and I'm dealing with my sponsor telling me I'm dumped if I don't do my 5th step with her. I do not want to go through finding another sponsor - but I do not want to do my 5th step with someone I will have to see again. Just bummed out today... but I know it will pass. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate having a place to "emotionally puke".
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I've known several successful AA'ers who arranged their 5th step with a Monk or someone in the clergy in a different city ... They simply called, discussed the situation with a monk, father, preacher, whatever ... set a time and went and did their 5th step ... There is absolutely nothing wrong with this and there's nothing that says you have to do it with your sponsor ... the BB says "another human being" i think ... so a bum would do in a pinch ... LOL
Take Care and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Only problem with that Pappy, is how will the sponsor help the sponcee with indentifying / working the 6th and 7th step, when those character defects are derived from the 4th/5th.
Pappy - I was going to mention that drinking was not fun... and I do not miss it! Plus I have all your jokes to keep me having fun! : )
Dean - that was exactly her words, that, and that she was not sponsored that way, and wouldn't know how to sponsor me any other way than my doing my 5th step with her. She is a wonderfully brilliant woman. I totally respect her decision, but that doesn't change the fact that I do not want to do my 5th step with her. And I would be happy to do most of it with her, but I know for sure because of her religion, I would not be completely honest with her about a couple things. I wonder if I should just do a couple thins with Zach (my husband) since it's between us, and do the rest with her. It's stuff he already knows though, so I'm confused if you are suppose to tell someone else who doesn't know - or what.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
1st, let me be clear that this is not the way I did mine ... I guess you could say mine was 'traditional' ... with my sponsor ... But I have known others, who have some very shady things in their past that they are very uncomfortable with with someone in the local community knowing these things ... meaning they took advantage of using someone well removed from the area to do their 5th step with ...
As I understand it, they did, what you might call a life confession, with the outsider, then did a separate current character defect list with their sponsors (I've really only known 4 or 5 that proceeded this way) ... They seemed to be very thorough in their approach and very satisfied that they properly completed the step ... a couple of these guys were 'well known' community figures ... (an airline pilot, a country singer, a lawyer) ... and they have some longevity too ...
So, ... I just mention this for the benefit of having what seems to me a viable option doing this step ... But the primary purpose here is to proceed working the steps ... in whatever 'total honesty' method you can ... I believe one should work the steps until they become a part of your life ... Until they become our 'way-of-life' ...
God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hmmm - thanks everyone. Today - I believe I will be guided by my HP during all of this, and things will work out just fine. A good night's sleep and some other perspectives help so much. I try and really focus on the answers I don't want to listen to the most. This "survey" of answers really really helps me, because I don't just "pick" the answers that suit me best. My goal is always to really focus on the one that bugs me the most - and that today is Tipsy's. I could NOT imagine a world where I would be able to stop myself from feeling someone's pain in order to help them. That is my BIGGEST known issue in life. My most traumatic moments growing up were when my Father would get pissed at our cows and kick them, or stab them with the pitch fork. We butchered our own chickens last year, and I almost threw up. Even yesterday when my 3 yr old daughter was smashing ants at the park, I had to look away. With people, it's even worse than with animals.
I suppose, if my sponsor freaks out when I do my 5th step and hates me, the worst that can possibly happen is I would have to find a different sponsor. If she decided to tell the entire community, I suppose the worst that can happen is, I will have to drive to a different town for meetings. I'm not going to die, and I'm not going to go to jail... I'm just going to be uncomfortable, possibly inconvenienced... but oh well.
Thank you EVERYONE for the responses.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 12th of June 2012 09:56:20 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Whenever I start focusing on the behavior of others I know that I'm headed for a bender. Counsellors, therapists, psychiatrists, etc. have a saying, you have to "stay behind your own eyes"...meaning to truly be able to help another person you can't allow yourself to feel their pain or suffering.
I also wish I'd read this before writing that long PM I just did.
You are changing and that is all that matters. Your husband is not the person to hear any of your 5th step (especially cuz he knows most of it and is biased). You are making assumptions about your sponsor based on her religion and those are probably not true. Stop finding reasons to not trust others. You are looking at all the hurt and pain in the world and taking it in rather than responding to it with the healthy Tasha you are capable of being. This is poignant for me because I know EXACTLY what that is like. Don't use others' sickness as an excuse to keep you in pain and to keep you from trusting. If you are ever going to really help others the way you are fully capable of, you need to heal. You cannot pull people out of a hole while you are still stuck in it. You have to reach up to someone who is presumably out of the hole (even if they aren't perfect) and let them pull you up. After that, you will be so much more capable of dealing with the world and it's problems.
I got 13th stepped by some skeezer in my first month in AA - The "best friend" that I was hanging out with for my first 3 months also relapsed hard and I had to let him go his own way. None of this distracted from MY recovery because I was NOT going to be a VICTIM any longer. Similarly, I was going to stop identifying with other victims. Yes, there are bad things and victims out there, but you are healing and that's all that matters. Nothing is perfect. Nothing is easy. But your recovery IS a beautiful process if you continue to stay focused on positives and your gratitude.
I have been a counselor all my adult life - Before AA, I only helped people out of pure empathy and intellect. I didn't know how limited I was as a person and a counselor. Now that I am no longer spiritually void and one of those "wounded" people, I'm not a blind person trying to lead other blind people. Not trying to sound better than the people I work with/for, but I now come from a place of health, hope, and confidence, and that has made a HUGE difference in the kind of counselor I am and the kind of person I am.
You are no longer one of the wounded (if that's what you choose). This could be a critical turning point in your recovery if you let it.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
