Great subject Angell and one dear to my heart. Last Saturday night we took our first steps towards rectifying what we have identified as a character defect of our local AA.
We are inclined to place an almost fatal level of responsibility on the newcomer. No longer were we willing to carry the message to the alcoholic but rather we were happy to sit in our warm meeting rooms and wait for the alcoholic to come to the message. Moreover we don't hold our hands out to the newcomer and offer help, we stubbornly insist that the newcomer must approach us. There are of course individuals who practice the steps in all their affairs, but this was an inventory of our fellowship in general.
So our meeting on Sat was entitled "Our 12th Suggestion" and had several experienced 12 steppers relate their experiences in this rewarding work and make practical suggestions. We circulated lists among the meeting for those who wanted to be involved and got a great response. We had one list for 12 steppers and another for "buddies' who wanted to do this work but had no experience. I think practically everyone at the meeting put their name down for something.
This will be lifesaving news for alcoholics of my type. I was crippled by fear and would never had made it if someone hadn't been willing to follow the instructions in our book. Properly armed with the facts about himself he won my confidence in a few hours. Until such an understanding was reached, little or nothing can be accomplished. I'm sure you know the passage.
So where did the apathy come from? Well I was one of the few here who did not go to our local treatment facility. It was a pretty solid belief that you couldn't get sober unless you went there. However, the salesmen made it sound like a holiday camp, which it wasn't, but that was why I didn't go. Typically, however, a newcomer would sit in our rooms for sixweeks and then be put on the bus to the rehab. When they came out, they had taken the rehab's version of steps one to 5 with the help of professional counsellors, and they were told to keep coming to meetings which many did. For many years it was hard to find anyone who was, like me, an AA baby, most were from this rehab.
The unforseen consequence of this was firstly that very few people knew how to teach the first 5 steps, believing instead that the only proper way to tackle this was the way they did it, through the treatment centre. Secondly, the rehab took responsibility for the early recovery of the newcomer. The incovenience of late night calls, and drama, the real effort it takes sometimes when working with a newcomer, was largely taken away. The Rehab, which was possibly one of the best ever, was closed a few years ago. The one that took it's place boasts a 2% recovery rate.
These days it is rare to meet a newcomer who is like the shaking snivelling wreck that I was, unless you go to them with the message. Most of the new arrivals who get to our meetings under their own steam are "high bottom" types who look healthy, speak well and are completely relaxed about attending an AA meeting, not scared sh%Tless. They speak eloquently of our wonderful kindness at letting them into the meeting and how interesting it all is, and this is at the first meeting. Then we find that a kind doctor has given them something to make them a little more confortable.
It is possible,as I have found when I sneak into a meeting where I am not known, for a newcomer to be completely ignored. At one recently I found 2 others being ignored as well and when I spoke to them it turned out they were medical students come to find out about AA. The group was quite happy for a complete stranger (me) to try and educate these two chaps. Unbelieveable.
So my home group decided to act and we put on this meeting. Although attendance wasn't huge, it went very well and most thought if we did it again, when the word gets out as to what it is about, it would be very well received.
The impression I got was that everyone that turned up was interested and keen to help. They wanted to carry the message to the alcoholic, realising that we have been doing a very poor job for quite a while, putting far too much responsibity on the newcomer. And all they needed was a little guidance and encouragement. I think the will is there, it's just that the leadership is lacking.
God bless, MikeH.
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Monday 11th of June 2012 12:34:58 AM
I think it has a lot to do with responsibility, that's all. We're not indoctrinating them too early; all we're doing is teaching them responsibility. Besides, we can learn a lot from the newcomer anyway, can't we?
I try to carry the message to the next suffering alcoholic, and so should the newcomers. It's shouldn't be based on preference only, but practicality also. Some people relate more to the newcomer than they would an old timer, so in that case it does make sense. I can come up with numerous instances where practicality trumps logic but again it must come from somewhere, so who cares. Remember, I can only carry the message so far before someone else takes over. So relish any newcomer stories and give them the tools also that could advance this message further, okay. Onward boys & girls.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 11th of June 2012 03:06:15 AM
I have been reading some old grapevine articles today and it seems to me that our (re:AA-ers) understanding of the twelfth step has changed significantly. Perhaps, and this is only one man's opinion of course, we place too much responsibility on the newcomer these days.
Let's see, ... ... ... To me, I'd have to say that IF today, I woke up sober, talked to God, had nothing to complain about, had food, shelter, and clothing and were grateful for such things, then I have something to share with others ... I think people see in us just how we deal with and accept life ... by our actions and our attitudes and our general character ... I know you've all been around some people that you just simply enjoy the heck out of, being around ... they put a smile on your face without any conscious effort at all ... it's just who they are ... there is a spirit about them that exudes happiness ...
The message that is being carried here is that anyone who desires to change their life, can do so by looking at the spirit within ... when we see others suffering any malady's in life, we can of course share with them the spiritual foundation of our program for life ... The message should be there IS FREEDOM to all who seek the divine spirit of God (or their choice of a higher power) ... We should also speak of, not just the freedom, but of the peace and tranquility that comes in knowing you are a cherished child of God ... and that there is great pleasure in helping others in need ...
The message I try to extend to others is that there is a 'way of life' more fantastic than anyone knew possible ... a 'way of life' where there is a solution to all life's problems ... more than that, a 'way of life' to prepare us for what lies beyond this life ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Nothing should change since 1939. The disease certainly hasn't changed for thousands of years.
We alcoholics love our opinions, but the answers are all in the Big Book. It tells us clearly what carrying the message means.
"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we carry this message to alcoholics..."
So the messge we carry is that we have had a spiritual awakening as a result of the 12 steps.
Period.
My only job as a sponsor is to guide people through the directions for the 12 steps so they can have a spiritual awakening too, and find a Higher Power who can solve all their problems.
Fyne - I totally agree with you! I too, was one of the few who didn't go to rehab - who was so scared shitless I could barely speak - who did nothing but cry and shake - and really, people coming up to me and shaking my hand and asking my name - forcing me to say I'm an alcoholic without having a clue what was even going on, or never having said that out loud before, or how the meeting was going to go - or what the big book even was, was completely and totally overwhelming. I was forced to keep going and learn the "ways" or loose my family. Luckily - that was enough incentive, but I would have NEVER ever gone back if were just me, walking in at 25, single, no family to loose etc. Pretty poor system around here. They ask if anyone is at their first ever meeting typically - and then everyone chants "welcome". That's it. Pretty pathetic. The 2 times I've now seen someone at their first meeting ever - I always go up to them and talk to them after the meeting - to explain how I couldn't do anything but cry - and barely say my name, and that it gets better in time. But that's all I could do unfortunately, as they were both men.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Also - the other two I've met now, that came in for the first time ever, were straight from a 30 day rehab. So yes, totally comfortable. I have yet to see someone like me.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Angell: " we place too much responsibility on the newcomer these days."
what's this guys point of view?
This guy? As in me? If I understand your question correctly...
I've got two journey's in AA. One began in 1978; the other in 1992 after a seven year slip following seven years sobriety. There were changes. Location may have had a lot to do with it but so too, I believe, did changes in the way the fellowship operated.
At my very first meeting there was a greeter at the door to shake my hand, welcome me and introduce himself. Not recognizing me he asked me if this was my first meeting. My presence caused a temporary road block into the church hall as every person who came after me stopped to introduce themselves and welcome me. Three members eventually walked me inside and took me over to the pamphlet rack, picked some out for me and suggested that I might get something out of them.
Then I was escorted by one of the men to the coffeepot and had my first cup poured for me and the cream and sugar pointed out so I could doctor it myself. Should probably be noted that at my second meeting that same guy brought me a cup of coffee after paying attention to how much cream and sugar I put in my coffee at meeting #1.
The meeting was huge - 300 people or so but the man who had taken me to the coffeepot led me to a table where the other two men who escorted me in were waiting...probably not a coincidence. I was introduced to everyone at the table and everyone who walked by. The conversation at the table was directed towards me. First meeting, eh? Did you get some pamphlets? Having trouble with alcohol eh? Well you're in the right place. Got any plans after the meeting? No? Well, we're going out for coffee and dessert after the meeting. What's that? No worries, we'll spring for yours - lord knows most of us didn't have two nickels to rub togther when we got here either.
Everyone who was walking by stopped to welcome me. Everyone. The meeting was a speaker meeting and there was a break 45 minutes in for fellowship and a raffle - twenty-five cents a piece or seven tickets for a dollar. On the podium were books being raffled off. The person who won picked up a Big Book and asked over the mike if there were any newcomers in the room when he retrieved it. I didn't raise my hand of course, but my table did. I left for coffee and dessert with that Big Book and dozens of numbers and well wishes scribbled in the inside pages.
My second trip was a lot more like I've heard described in this post. I did get a ride to the meeting through the help line but couldn't get a ride home. I left the meeting with no pamphlets, no numbers, and was allowed to hide in the back and try to be invisible. I was terrified but thought the people were afraid of me, too. I asked for help - rides to meetings and such, but didn't get far. In fact, I remember being told that if I wanted a drink I'd find a way to get to the bar and so I should be willing to do the same to get to a meeting. I spent many nights sleeping in the brush outside the Alano Club waiting for the next meeting in the morning.
I'm not suggesting that my second experience was horrid. In fact, I quickly became aware that I WAS willing to go to any lengths - and that was strengthening. Those folks who opened the door and made coffee and kept the meeting going so that there was one when I showed up - I remain grateful to them. But it was different.
One problem I see is the generalization of all of AA with ones experience at a meeting. Just because one group ignores the newcomer doesn't mean all of AA is like that. All I know about the 12th step is that first I needed to have a spiritual awakening of practicing the other 11 steps. Then I must continue to work them on a daily basis. Lastly, when working with the newcomer or others, it was suggested that I follow The Responsibility Pledge.
"when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there, and for that, I am responsible".
One problem I see is the generalization of all of AA with ones experience at a meeting. Just because one group ignores the newcomer doesn't mean all of AA is like that.
No doubt Db, there's certainly truth to your statement. I have a rather unique perspective on this myself however. Because of my job, I've travelled extensively, living (depending on how you define living) in forty states and visiting all of them with the exception of Hawaii. Ironically, as we speak, I am awaiting the results of a background check which required me to list all the places I have lived over the last ten years. There were over 200 listings. As a result, I've been to a great many meeting in a great many locations and while you are absolutely correct that different groups operate differently, it has been my experience that much has changed over time.
This is quite possibly a result of the proliferation of treatment centers and might also be due to a generally higher bottom today than in years past. It could also be because I'm getting old and my memory is faulty. :)
Very good topic. I commend Mike (Flynn) and his local AA for realizing they could improve in the 12th step area and working to make their service efforts better.
I also did not go to a treatment, just walked into AA cold. I would agree that since a larger percentage of those in AA have attended treatment first, they may not identify with the person coming in cold off the street. I think our area does a pretty good job with newcomers, it is understood that they are the most important people in the meeting, we always try to give them a newcomer package that has meeting lists and brochures etc. We all sign it and put our phone #s on it.
Things have changed, it's the information age. People can now get online and learn a lot about AA and where the meetings area and what goes on, there are a lot of professionals in the addiction fields. The old fashion "get a call from central office and go visit someone or pick them up for their first meeting rarely happens.
There are more reasons people might be at their first meeting than before, anyone who has been around for a while knows that just because someone is at a meeting doesnt mean they want what we have or are willing to work the program. There are more pages written on the 12th step that any other (except maybe the 1st step), yet the "working with others" section is probably the least read and understood part of the book.
Most of the basic principles still apply today and the 12th step is a artform that we must try to keep improving on. I try to make new people feel comfortable tell them a little about myself, share experience and some basics of the program, and let them know I am willing to help. The book is very specific about dealing with new people and not pressuring them if they are not currently willing to go to any lengths.
Before sponsoring anyone I always clarify that they must go to any lengths and work the steps, otherwise I am doing them a disservice.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
