At the end of my 4th step I had found God. I had a spiritual awakening that was very powerful and the strange thing is, I went right out and did what I had just written about, jumped into a codependent mistake with a guy who I had nothing in common with, someone coming out of prison. I had a long history of trying to save people like that.
This time was a little different, at least there was no sex and I ended it - but not immediately (that was my mistake). I didn't want it at all, but I hung on. I had no idea at the time I was codependent or had abandonment issues and I believe it was there to show me this.
The guy was pissed off, he knew I didn't want it but I couldn't seem to get out either, and when he realized he wasn't going to get what he wanted he punished me with public humiliation, character assassination. I gave him someone new to transer blame to.
There were a lot of people who wanted a piece of the show, i was snubbed, ostracized, my own sponsor gave me bad advice and kept hurting me, then distanced herself from me leaving me with no sponsor. She knew I had a lot of potential and fed her ego by comparing herself to me, then went out and dominated some guy and is now in a codependent relationship herself, trying to "fit in" and make the best of life. This disease is so sad.
A lot of others I trusted in AA hurt and rejected me as well. I asked for help and was rejected over and over again, and I found myself alone now, working through anger at myself and others, my health is not good. I guess I was the topic of the day and I'm trying to heal, never mind all the family issues I see now.
I have done all kinds of work to heal and forgive people but it is difficult. You know, God did put 2 people in my life last year who taught me everything they knew and it pushed me so far forwards that I really "get" what spiritual life is about now. In a way this was all a blessing. None of the people I asked for help could hep me anyway.
I am trying to get financial freedom from my mother and father which has been the real problem. I do have a plan to set boundarieswhich will not happen overnight and I hope once I do it, things will change for me. I may have the ability to be more honest and by myself with more courage.
Jesus never trusted any man but He loved all men. i am on my own spiritual journey and it's not the way I thought it would be. The only Solution I can find is to help others and ask God for courage and strength to be myself, and leave all my hurt in the past.
It is my job to love and understand all these people, not the other way around.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here, maybe there's a little hope for anyone who identifies, staying close to my Creator and serving Him in my pain is my Way Out.
-- Edited by odat on Sunday 10th of June 2012 07:32:31 AM
Honestly Odat, It seems you have a good understanding of the situation, and if you are like me, sometimes you can "know" something, but until you experience its bad results you can not "learn" it. So, you touched the hot stove and got burnt. The positive side is that you learned something and you added that to your sober experience vs. your drunken experience. I think your understanding of what happened WILL protect you next time. On the problems at the meetings, it may be time for a "do over". Many times just going to the meetings and sitting quietly for a few meetings with no sponsor will allow the ""torch of gossip" to be passed to the next recipient--OR just find a new meeting. The whole sponsor thing is common. It is hard to get personalities to link and remember we are not perfect. Just keep on keepin on the way you are. Put it in your HP's hands and press on. Thanks for putting this out there for discussion! Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
About all I can think of to say is this ... ... ... No matter how much I try and feel I'm doing what's right, the hardest thing for me to realize, was that I should never come to expect my actions to solve everyone's problems ... What I'm trying to say is that when I help others and my heart is in the right place, I used to expect certain results, AND WORSE, I expected certain rewards ... As I stuck around and practiced the 12 steps, I learned that I should remain unselfish, BUT, I should not hold expectations in the results of my actions ... Did that make sense ???
I simply try to help where I can now and leave the results to God ... Others can think what they will ... none of my business ... I have come to only concern myself with what God thinks of me ...
Take Care and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Whether or not you have been wronged - It's hard to know the best course of action but it usually does consist of looking at the pain as being done "for" you so that you could learn something instead of "to" you cuz that will leave you stuck in resentment and being victim. You sound like you are working towards seeing how all this might have been done "for" you. Even if some nasty stuff was actually done "to" you - Forgiveness and the spiritual axiom are going to have you moving past it and finding healthy supports and healthy spirituality anyhow. We reject sickness and prolong periods of anger it would seem because they are not healthy for our sobriety.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
You are some wise people. It is really time to let the mistake I made go, it's been quite a while. I've tried many times but my original shame has blocked me. Believe me, this other person knows that, this is the type of punishment people learn in state prison. God help me never try to save someone like that again (I doubt I will now.) So I accept I made a mistake and I did get the growth. it is perfection, yes and I see how it was perfect. It's not even about "him", he is basically faceless, it's about me, my original experiences, my ideas emotions and attitudes, and my own growth. I've given him everything he wanted and I ain't payin' anymore. We're done. Maybe he can overcome with it, not so with me, I need God. I just sat out in the sunshine and gave it all to God. Not just that, everyone else I've been resentful at. I felt it all flow right up to Him, in 2 channels it flowed right up, if you know what I mean. Everyone. Everything. Up. Gone. Other than that, I said I was going to change when I began the steps and here I am at the physical phase of recovery, there are 2 major things to tackle: giving up smoking and getting my own place (all I can afford is a little room.) Both will be hard tasks. I'll be giving up comfort and security that I've relied on for years. I am willing to keep changing. Thanks God Bless.
Don't be so hard on yourself Susan; it's a mistake dear that's all. I've been in similar straits myself, so I know how antsy you must feel. My suggestion dear, get back to the basics, okay. Spend some quality time alone -just by yourself, and enjoy the day sober. It's a remedy that seems to work for me.
There's a spiritual antidote to everything Susan, but finding that amongst all the clutter is the tricky part dear. The only thing preventing that from happening though is unbelief. So pray for a breakthrough dear and 'believe' somehow that it will happen. You'll get through this Susan, we know you will.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 11th of June 2012 03:18:33 AM
Best of hope with the smoking--I chewed LOTS of sugarless gum, which really helped, (this was before the patch or other assists for withdrawal) and it was rough but being free of it for a few years now is pure delight!! I had 18 years and 12 years nicotine-free before, and relapsed twice--it can sneak up on you at anytime, believe me--I had absolutely NO desire to pick up cigarettes, yet the time came that I did. Those two relapses were just as horrifying as drinking again, truthfully. I still take it a day at a time, no assumptions for tomorrow, just do that day when it is here. Forgiving self is invaluable, too.
