I've spent the last few days in a funk. Totally selfish and self centered once again. I began to question things about AA. My sponsor told me to read pages 68 & 69 of the big book. I did, and was kind of even more upset by them. The line that says we should laugh at non-spiritual folks got me to wondering about just who this Bill Wilson... is. What kind of person would laugh at someone else, yet contridict that sort of act with a program of recovery for alcoholics? I began to wonder who this person I'm following every word of is, and what kind of person he was.
I spent the next 6 or so hours reading and reading and reading. It seems there is so much "anti-AA" stuff out there on that world wide web, and people have put a lot of time into trying to convince curious people like me, that AA is nothing but a cult or worse. A few things I wondered were: Why did these people put so much effort into it. & Were they themselves alcoholics? Those answers came to me in a spiritual moment today.
I braced myself for my noon meeting today, armoured with all this new knowledge. I hoped I wouldn't all of a sudden see right through everyone, and everything AA today... and started making a "plan B". Coucelors, my own will, involvement in activities to keep me busy etc. Deep down, I knew I would get drunk with this plan... but I felt some sort of plan was better than nothing if I should in fact fall away from AA today.
Then the miricle that IS alcoholic's anonymous, was presented before me as I walked through the door to my home group. A lady new to the area, that I reached out to yesterday, sat next to me and smiled, chatted kindly and we laughed loudly together several times. Other people wondered what we were laughing about, and proved the group is no glum lot as we all ended up hand in hand, smiles on our faces, saying the serenity prayer... family for that moment... ready to go out into the world, sober, just for today.
I don't know Bill Wilson. Maybe I wouldn't have been a part of his home group... dare I say... on purpose?
But... I have a home group TODAY! Friends on this message board from all over the world, that I think about and care about TODAY! A higher power of my understanding TODAY! A wonderfully brilliant lady I can call my friend and spnosor TODAY! And a bloodstream at 0.0 percent alcohol today!!!! I am a better Mother, friend, wife and daughter today. I am okay with being me today, because of AA.
I am still an alcoholic. I spent more time researching why I shouldn't give myself to this program, than I have researching why I should. But all I really found out, was I was actually researching more reasons why I SHOULD GIVE MYSELF COMPLETELY - all along.
Thanks for being here.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
The BB says "WE CAN laugh at those who think SPIRITUALITY the way of WEAKNESS." .... ... .... I do not see any suggestion that we 'should' make fun of those who are not spiritual .... just those who think we are nuts for finding STRENGTH in a spiritual way ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
You're going to have some of that, while processing your 4th and 5th step. Just try and ignore it. This is the meat and potatoes of the program, getting past these two steps. I believe that most of the folks that get past this steps stay sober. Most of the folks that don't make it, never attempted them. Hang in there, a good chunk of the 9th step promises are right around the corner.
My take on the anti aa stuff is that many of the people that are trying to discredit it are doing so because you can't make a buck selling recovery if people know they can get it for free. The rest are, I guess, just ignorant of what the program really is and put their own fears and insecurities out there.
The second type are quite understandable. The first pretty loathsome.
I think sometimes it is the ego trying so very hard to discredit AA. It is looking for an easier, softer way...one with less work, less change. It happened to me right about the 4th step too. I figured it was my disease talking. All I had to do was look at the miracles that had already come true and I knew this program was working and worth hanging on to. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Even at going on 4 years sober, I still have little parts in my mind talking me out of what I am doing. Like you it winds up turning into reinforcement of the program....
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
My take on the anti aa stuff is that many of the people that are trying to discredit it are doing so because you can't make a buck selling recovery if people know they can get it for free. The rest are, I guess, just ignorant of what the program really is and put their own fears and insecurities out there.
The second type are quite understandable. The first pretty loathsome.
Amen Frodo. Keep the focus on yourself and recovery Tasha. That's the only important element that truly matters. The rest dear is just evidence to the contrary, that's all. So don't go there, okay.
I am a Buddhist. By definition, we do not believe in a creator god. That kink in the armor has sent me looking for like minded folks in AA and the recovery community and I have run up against many anti-AA types out there. Perhaps it is sufficient to point out that I remain a member of Alcoholics Anonymous before I continue. What I am about to say is in no way an attack upon the program or the people in it - if it were, I would not choose to be here. That said, though we of Alcoholics Anonymous are quick to point out that AA is spiritual rather than religious, dozens of courts, including the United States Supreme Court have ruled it a religion. Dr. Bob himself used to pray with people prior to allowing them to their first meeting and have them accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. Bill W. is quoted in the Grapevine as saying that his stubborness against the idea of 'God as we understand Him' and his relunctance to using the phrase 'Higher Power' rather than 'God' nearly screwed the whole thing up before it started.
Anywho, if you dig deep enough you'll find that there are alot of things done in the name of AA or by it's founders that are not in keeping with what the program has evolved into. It's not the same AA. Whether it is better or worse I will leave to those who are interested in such things. Whatever is left was sufficient to get and keep me sober and that, it seems, remains AA's primary purpose and is good enough for me.
