Seen this one a few times over the years. First time UPS was credited, usually it's Air Force (hence the "Target radar" comment). These are pretty old too but good for a few laughs. I especially like the last one.


Funny Air Traffic Controllers Quotes

Tower: Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 oclock, 6 miles!
Delta 351: Give us another hint! We have digital watches!

TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.
Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?
Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: Im fing bored!
Ground Traffic Control: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!
Unknown aircraft: I said I was fing bored, not fing stupid!

Control tower to a 747: United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one oclock, three miles, Eastbound.
United 239: Approach, Ive always wanted to say this Ive got the little Fokker in sight.

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running a bit peaked. Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. Ah, the fighter pilot remarked, The dreaded seven-engine approach.

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?
Ground (in English): If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): Because you lost the bloody war.

Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7
Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.
Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?
Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern weve already notified our caterers.

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself? The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and Ill have enough for another one.

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know ones gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.
Ground: Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven. The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?
Speedbird 206: Stand by, Ground, Im looking up our gate location now.
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, twice in 1944, but it was the middle of the night, and we didnt land.