I have described this dilemma before: I go to certain AA meetings where people really know the literature and many become great speakers, etc. There's almost a sort of "pecking order" and there are a lot of egos.
My sponsor could no longer be available to work with me so I asked about 10 women over the last year and a half to help a little, just a phone call a week even. I have been in a lot of pain and just needed a little support. Every single one of the people said yes, only to play games with me to see if I would trust myself and then -- bam! Slam me down in rejection and take my power. It's a way to feed their egos.
It is all done very quietly and behind the scenes and I know if they're doing it to me, they're doing it to others. If you want to kill an alcoholic in pain, give him a real good resentment.
These people know I am alone and don't think I would have the courage to say or do anything about it, but at this point I have to say I am thinking of exposing one of them in a meeting in front of everyone.
There are lives at stake in these rooms, this is not a game, and it has hurt me badly. Would you say something?
BTW, I know no one can "take" my power, etc., but I have lost all trust. I am also positive that the dynamic I describe is EXACTLY what they're doing. I just want to know if you determine it to be right or wrong to expose one of them. Perhaps I need the courage to stand up for principles.
I'm not really sure that I fully understand the story but I'd look at it like this: There are many sick people in the rooms. I can only control what I do. I would ask my HP for tolerance and to help me forgive and not resent. And I'd say the serenity prayer often.
I'm not sure if your sponsor being unavailable was temporary or permanent but I'd talk to them if possible too.
Hi Odat, sorry that you're having physical pain and trouble getting a new sponsor. Something that helped me, with regards to others who I feel slighted by, is to give them the benefit of the doubt. This does several things. First it keeps me from getting a resentment, which would hurt me. Keeps me from hurting myself. Secondly, It keeps me from assuming the worst, and being wrong about it. Assuming/accusing others of something that they didn't do, say, think, or feel, is in and of itself a transgression, which could require a 9th step amends or at least a tenth step and amends. Best way to not have to make amends is to not wrong someone. Now, I'm not saying that you're wrong, but you could be, if I'm reading your post correctly. Going and calling these folks out in a meeting, imho, would be hypocritical, trying to inflict shame/guilt public defaming for, allegedly hurting you. And if it wasn't their intention to hurt you, well you get the idea.
I don't go to these meetings you're talking about. I don't know any of these people you're referring to. And I don't know you. So I'm not judging any of it. I only know my own story.
I have experienced situations in my own recovery where I perceived other members were doing the wrong thing and I went looking for the AA police to have these people "exposed" as you put it. My sponsor suggested I read the big book again. In that book I read that the wrong doings of others, fancied or real, has the power to actually kill. So it doesn't matter if these people were screwing me over or if I just thought they were, the end result is the same. I had a resentment and if I didn't get rid of it I was going to drink and quite possibly die. So I had to master the resentment, to get past it and move on to the real reason I was here. I'm not in AA to make sure everyone else is doing the right things. I'm in AA to make sure I do the right things. I know I know. Sometimes it seems we're surrounded by assholes and idiots. Many times I have been both of those LOL.
I also learned the meaning of principles before personalities. The principles that I learned in AA are there to protect you from my ego, not to protect me from yours. It took me a long time to learn that I can't justify my wrong thinking or actions using the principles of AA.
To answer your question, I think its wrong to set myself up as judge, jury and executioner. And I still can't find the AA police. My suggestion. Go to different meetings, find a good sponsor. Read the big book. Do the steps. Try to forgive those who wrong you. And keep coming back.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of my days are worthless, anymore.
I know the big book inside and out but I've had this happen so many times I guess I just could not master it this time. I have no trust left at all with these particular people which I am disappointed about, as I would like the benefit of a sponsor. Trust me, i know exactly what I see, it's a common occurence in these rooms although of course not everyone does it. I know I have an Adult Child vulnerability about me that invites it in. I also know that some are sicker than others but I don't identify with this behavior. I don't have it in my heart to do this to a fellow AA, never have.
I did call this person this morning and I told her how I felt and I have to admit I wasn't very nice. I did not yell or swear but you could hear i was upset. And i don't feel any better about it. What I have to do now is sit with it and let myself feel the feelings. Making an amends is not in order, that would just be me getting relief for guilt.
I wrote it out after I made the call and the answer was that I should have just accepted it. What a tough disease.
Yeah, I hear you Susan. The dilemma you proposed is nothing new, it really isn't. It does seem a bit odd though, especially when we try to view others objectively. A.A. is not a pissing contest or a battle of wits either, but a place where everyone should feel comfortable. Sadly though, it's not, and that's when our better judgment takes over. If it were up to me, I would attend other meetings instead. The more connected you are the more candidates you'll find, it's that simple.
It's kind of funny though, how this topic originated. I guess there are no coincidences either, given how my day unfolded. I met a good friend at the grocery store today who's also in the program. I've known her for over 10 years and can honestly say, we're pretty close. This is where the story gets strange, though. Not only did she forget my name -strange as that may seem, but she took exception to what I said as well, which to me felt completely odd. Then, as I checked out, she came up from behind and rudely said, what's the holdup Dan (my name is David by the way), don't you know how to work the register (I didn't work there either). No, I said, the person ahead of me had enough stuff to feed an entire army, that's all. So instead of apologizing, she just shrugged her shoulders and walked away.
That, Susan, sums up just about everything. Remember, you might be new to A.A. but you're not new to the world. Take the important stuff dear and leave the rest there. That's what I would do, ultimately. I hope this helps.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 31st of May 2012 09:01:40 PM
Hey Odat-It gets better. Every time you go through one of these events sober and following the steps, you learn another way to live sober. I am really sorry about the power trips, but they are in every human organization--because sadly--we are human with those pesky human attributes of vanity, lust, arrogance, etc etc. The beauty of what you went through was that you confronted it sober, You did the best you could with a clear conscience, and it sounds like the end result was a better plan for next time! So much of this program is resting and storing your strength for when you need it. It sounds like that is what you are doing, AND you have this forum to come to in fellowship-and you know we have your back!!! Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Thanks for posting - I always catch myself having expectations of people that are unrealistic compared to what they are capable of, or want to be capable of. I do need to practice acceptance more.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
If you need support .We are here for you Ill message you some numbers women here in Daytona are great ok...one day at a time hun,God is with you and Ill have the womens group pray for you ok......
