There is a dynamic in relationships called "the designated patient", in that relationship the whole focus is on "the sick person", where the supposedly "better" person keeps the focus on what is wrong with the sick one, and they say they want you tp "get better" but the truth is, they really don't, they want to keep you sick so they appear "well", and usually if you change what they want you to change, they move the goal line.

Dean speaks here frequently about the inadvisability of being romantically involved either as an early recovering alcoholic, but especially -with- an early recovering alcoholic.

In my experience, we are equally unwell, but someone who would date an alcoholic scares me 10x worse, the "codependent" person who dates the "alcoholic", or "the designated patient" is usually abusive, controlling, manipulative, and like you say, they -say- they want you to change, but they really want you sick, they will do things to de-stabilize you, to undermine you, and give excuses about how you -deserve- to be treated poorly, to be abused really.

The codependents in my family of origin and later in life, in my relationships have been -far- more toxic and harmful then the alcoholics in my life, the alcoholic might be driving the bus drunk, but the codependent throws you under the bus sober.

When I got sober, the sick people in my life wanted me to stay sick, whereas the people I met in AA wanted me to get better, it was like boot camp, people telling me to do things I didn't understand and I didn't want to do (uncomfortable decisions) in order to keep me alive after I left.

Over the last 20 years I relapsed twice, and I have to say that ...I am glad...the people that are still in my life both sober and drinking, the people that are still there, are my "real friends"

The relationships I got into while drinking were always with people that wanted me to stay sick and wanted the focus on me, I called what they did as trying to make me jump through the moving target of ever decreasing diameter, because every time I -did- make the change they supposedly wanted, they found something new wrong with me so they could continue to treat me like shit....I have such an incredible fear and loathing of codependent people now I can't even explain it, and when I see the red flags of codependency and passive aggression I -run- the other direction, I don't walk, I RUN, in my alcoholism I drank poison, in my relationships with codependents, they fed me poison.

Want to see something funny, go to therapy with one of these people that supposedly want you to get "better", the moment the therapist doesn't co-sign their bullshit that -you- are the problem and holds a mirror up to them and their behavior they lose their mind and it's time to change therapists because "this one doesn't know what they are talking about"

Fear and Loathing, mingled pity and contempt is the best I can muster for these abusive destroyers of other peoples souls until they enter actual recovery and begin working the steps on their own...otherwise...pure poison...I wish I could rise above it and be all holy and loving and Gandhi, but ..... I can't... I can forgive and move on, but I will never allow one of these people near me again as long as I live.

As long as they can point the finger at you they don't need to look at themselves, we get addicted to the bottle, they get addicted to us, and trying to "fix" us, if we "fix" ourselves (as is right) they do anything in their power to keep us unwell, because they protect their addiction as fiercely as we protected ours, and their addiction is dating someone who is sick, John Bradshaw, Pia Melody and Melody Beatty are the three authors that I turned to to find my answers to address this issue.