Am I in love with an Alcoholic?

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

Am I in love with an Alcoholic?

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Run Forest Run! <--- my standard reply to all "My BF or GF is probably an alcoholic..." topics. Yes it sounds like he is an alcoholic, no you can't control it. No, he probably won't stop drinking till some catastrophic event (or events) happened to signal the end of life (as he knows it) is near. Only 1 in 20 alcoholics, THAT WANT TO GET SOBER will make it to long term sobriety. It could be a very long time, if ever, for him to get to the point of Wanting to stop drinking seriously. You're still a fairly young person, why don't you go find someone healthier to play with? You're wasting your time and putting yourself in danger here. Attending Al-anon, is not a bad idea, but it's really for people that are stuck in relationships, such as wives/husbands that can't leave the marriage or mothers/fathers of alcoholic children. You're not married to this (Yet), no kids. Just leave, start a new life with someone with a future. Now, as usual, your post is full of "Him, he, him, him...". You could be asking yourself, why am I attracted to a disgusting alcoholic that most "normal people" would be repulsed by and leave immediately? There are answers to this mystery and they usually come form the person's family of origin. Have a look here when you have interest. Sorry I didn't have anything more positive to say, but this is a very likely dead end situation, and my concern is for you. We can't want sobriety for him, if he doesn't want it for himself, Really want it.

http://www.coda.org/

Am I a codependent? ---> http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 28th of May 2012 05:44:26 AM

Neenee · Newbie

Firstly, please accept my apologies in advance if I use any terms that are insensitive or incorrect during these intial postings. I am new to this community, and I have come to learn that addiction in any form is hell for all of those involved. My prayers, and well wishes, and positive thoughts of love and strength go out to all that are dealing with this disease.

I have joined this forum out of desperation.

Does my hunny have a drinking problem, or am I just being judgemental? Here are the facts I know:

His beloved sister died from Alcohol related illness at 46

His father and grandfather drank heavily

He has graduated a 12 step program 8 years ago

He has addictive behavior (smokes 2 packs of cigs a day)

Unemployed, he still finds money for beer and cigs everyday

Each day my boyfriend drinks a min of 6 beers. If there is an 18 pack in the fridge, he will drink a min of 12 or 13. Today there was a 36 pack in the fridge. I stopped counting his at 15. This is why I am here.

We had a disagreement tonight. He claims he doesn't get drunk, and there is nothing wrong with him drinking as long as he doesn't bother anyone. He doesn't become violent, but he gets very depressed, and has lately disclosed to me that he has attempted suicide once before. Of course, while drinking. He is mean when he drinks liquor, so he is very concious to stay away from it. He is only a smart a** when drinking beer, but very annoying, and a little obnoxious. Sometimes, he's fun when he's been drinking, sometimes romantic, but if he doesn't drink or doesn't have enough beer, he's cranky, and borderline rude.

Am I just being a "diva" as he says, or am right to be concerned? I am not looking to win an argument, I am looking for a solution to this problem. I am concerned for him, and cannot take on the responsibility of trying to save his life. We often have talked of marriage, and the future, but I can't commit to a man that spends all of his evenings drunk, sad, and in denial.

I guess there are many more levels to our issues, but I guess I don't want to make him feel abandoned, after I committed to loving him...even though, I had no clue he drank like this on a regular basis when we first committed.

Sorry if I rambled. Thanks for your help.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Neenee, ...

1st of all ... it makes no difference if I or anyone else feels your friend is an alcoholic or not ... the only one it matters to is him ... Because, ... nothing is going to change unless and until he takes action to correct the scenario you just described ...

I think you're being here and actually listing the amounts he drinks is proof enough that there is definitely an issue involving alcohol ... I highly suggest you go to some Al-Anon meetings to learn how you may need to cope with this growing problem ... And don't kid yourself, if there's a real problem with his drinking, it WILL get progressively worse ... Without help, it's too much for anyone to deal with alone ... You can try to suggest to him to get help, and if he loves you, he may try ... but if he gets upset and belligerent, then you're best bet is to be a member of an Al-Anon group so that at least you can learn how to deal with the situation ...

With Love, God Bless,
Pappy

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Sounds like you are more concerned about him than he is about himself. That scenario rarely plays out well. Yes, it sounds like he is a garden variety alcoholic who is not ready for recovery and has said so. Any endeavor to change that on your part is not going to play out well. I would check out the Alanon board here. Most of us will tell you to hit the road because we know what jerks we were when we were drinking and we also know the likelihood is about zero for having a long term rewarding relationship with an active alcoholic.

On the alanon side of things they will not tell you to leave but they will have you turning the focus onto you and trying to make yourself whole and healed. Usually in the process of that, you come to recognize in due time that you can meet all your own needs and that your Higher Power can meet many of them too. After that, you can approach the question of "What am I really getting from this relationship with a drunk?" much more clearly.

Prior to me getting sober - I sought out relationships with other drunks. I was a very insecure and fearful person. One of those relationships lasted 7 years but I was miserable through most of it. I never got my needs met (by myself or my partner). I was constantly wondering why he could never be what I wanted - Then it occured to me that I should get busy BEING WHAT I WANTED. Since then, it's been an upward climb.

Good luck, and I would definitely check out the alanon site on this board.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

P.S. - Alcoholics are masters at convincing you they don't have a problem -

If the problem is already so bad he is unemployed yet spends money on alcohol and cigarettes - That spells it out pretty clearly right there. Why not spend money on a nice outfit and go interviewing for jobs? Why not save up to pay bills since it's not clear where the next pay check is coming from? Everyone needs a job unless they are legitimately disabled or retired.

Only a user/alcoholic aspires to mooch off you and drink every night rather than have a productive future. That is going to get very old for you. Eventually, you will look around at the dual income families you know and you will feel very cheated out of a "normal life." Why do you think you don't deserve that? Often committing to a drunk will divide you from your own family also. They will wonder why you have chosen to forgo support from them in favor of an enemployed user alcoholic (note: this is quite different than being a stay at home mom or housewife to the segment of members who fit that bill here). If you have kids together - these conflicts will intensify. Not trying to be all doom and gloom - but it's realistic. (Besides, they would censor me for saying a lot of this stuff on the Alanon board so this is my 1 shot to spell it out as clearly as I can from my own experiences).

Some things to consider.

Neenee · Newbie

StPeteDean,

You're right about asking myself "why". I stated there are more issues in this situation, and my attraction to men that need help is certainly one of them.

Thanks for your straight-fowardness. I really must reconsider what is going on in my head too.

Neenee · Newbie

Thank you all, very good points to consider, and eye opening advice.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Welcome!

Halfwolf · Veteran Member

I thought you were talking about me when I read your post. When I drank beer like that, I didnt think I was drunk either. When I wasnt drinking I was cranky and depressed. I am an Alcoholic, but the only way to see if your boyfriend is, ask him to only have 2 drinks a day, no more, if he can do that for an extended period, maybe he's not an alcoholic.

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Thank you Nee. Very interesting post and discussion. The people here are honest and trying to be helpful- that's our purpose. It's probably hard to disgest, but I hope you put some thought to the suggestions. They come from real life experiences. What we do in AA is share our Experience, Strength and Hope as honestly as possible. We care more about you and your life than your feelings.

Thoughts and prayers sent your way.