My husband and I have been married for 10 years and has been sober for 2 years. Not really sure how much he is working his program but I know that he isn't past step 6 or 7 and in the past 3 or 4 months slowed down on all his meetings. I have been working my Alanon program very hard for the past 8 months.
7 months ago he became friendly with an AA woman. I found out , he admitted he was wrong,wanted to save our marraige and we began working on our marriage. For the next 5 months things were really good.
He then went on a business trip and came back acting odd. The same way he was acting with the AA woman. I found out that he was friendly again with a woman at work. I immediatly asked him to leave our home because this behavior was unacceptable and he moved into his mothers house. It has been two months since he moved out. The first month he ignored everything that was going on. For the past month, everything has been a mess. He blames our marriage on the reason he continues to make bad choices. He takes no responsibiltiy and blames me for everything. Blames our past and everything that everyone has done to him. He does whatever he wants and expects me to be there for him as a friend like nothing ever happened. Constantly contacting me over anything and everything.
I have been working so hard on myself and trying to fix me. Letting him work on him. Taking care of me and being the best mom I can be. I allowed him to stay in our house during 'his' weeekend with the kids. Kept all of our finances the sames which means i handle everything. And really tried to give him his space while doing what i need to do for me. Trying so hard to let god take care of all of us.
Last weeeknd I found out he is still talking to the girl from work and most likely is going out of town with her tomorrow and monday. At that point, i decided i need to put up some boundaries which will help me and make this time easier for me. He is no longer staying in our house, I asked him to get his own insurance and handle the financial issues that he is responsible for. Also, unless the kids want to talk to me or there is an emergency that has to do with them, not to contact me. It is time for me to think of me and not what is best for us. And not what i can do to save our marriage.
Through all of his addiction issues, i have loved him and believed in him. I have believed that by both of us working our programs, we could change and have a different life and marriage. Before the other girl crap, we both felt the same way. I know I have made mistakes in our marraige and I have alot of changing to do but I am fighting so hard to do this. I do not want to be the person that this disease has made me become.
At this point, I am lost and confused and do not know what to do with any of this. Trying to be compassionate and believe this is my husbands disease that is making him spiral down. He has admitted that he doesn't know why he does this stuff even though he isn't drinking. That he knows he needs to change and that he knows he is broken. He is still talking to another woman, threatend suicide and has just been crappy since I started putting up boundaries. Every since he has been sober and he makes a mistake it is the same thing. Our marriage is broke, the past has ruined him and he can't get over it. If he knows he wants to change then why keep the woman crap up and not do everything he can do to change. He has his program right in front of him and isnt working it.
Can anyone help me understand what alcoholics go through and if this is a dry drunk. I miss the man I know he can be and I do not want to loose my marriage. But feel so helpless . Not matter how much i work my program I am so sad and confused.
I am very touched by your story ... For what it's worth, you made me feel better about what the program of AA means to me ... It turns out that my marriage was saved by the program, and that doesn't necessarily mean that they all are ... You asked for someone to help you understand what alcoholics go through, WOW ... ... ... It would be a near impossible task to explain this to you in terms you could understand ... If you were an 'alcoholic' yourself, we could talk the same language ...
Alcoholics are basically like huge emotional and physical TORNADOES tearing through the lives of others, without regard to any consequences ... active alcoholics simply don't care for anything or anyone other than themselves or their own pleasure or self-satisfaction ... We are like 4 year old kids that have been given everything they want and come to expect it AND pitch a royal fit if we don't get things our way ...
Of course we only read your side of the story ... without his, we're at a big disadvantage ... It looks like you're doing everything right and the problem still lies with his actions ... We cannot work other people's program for them and we try our best to not take others inventories ... The only thing I can tell you for a fact is that the 'solution' to all life's problems are contained within the program and principles of AA ... It's an individual's choice to pick up the tools of recovery or not ... We deal with recovering from alcoholism and are NOT professional therapists nor psychiatrists ...
So it is not for us to say whether or not your husband is working the program as it's supposed to be ... We certainly do not condone 'sleeping' around ... We are deep set in our 'spiritual' convictions and strive to help others where we can ... We are experts on alcohol ... not personal relationships ...
May God's Grace be with you, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The threat of suicide is big. I have been told that is the most selfish possible act one could take, and this is BIG BIG BIG! From personal experience, I would say - turn it over to authorities... God... and distance yourself as much as humanly possible, maybe even going so far as to keep your kids away from him until he gets help, and realizes how wrong that is.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Your instincts are good here, to make your move. Sorry to say that I don't have a lot of faith in alcoholics, especially in relationships in early sobriety. That's why you'll see me writing "Run Forest Run" repeatedly, in threads about "My alcoholic BF or husband".
The threat of suicide is big. I have been told that is the most selfish possible act one could take, and this is BIG BIG BIG! From personal experience, I would say - turn it over to authorities... God... and distance yourself as much as humanly possible, maybe even going so far as to keep your kids away from him until he gets help, and realizes how wrong that is.
I agree with Tasha on this one. This persons motives seem to be selfish in nature, kinda like most people nowadays, so distancing yourself from this person is a good thing to do. This person needs additional help beyond A.A. and we're not qualified to pass judgment here. So keep your distance until then, or at least until he makes some responsible decisions himself. Like Dean said, it's better to separate yourself from the problem before the problem becomes part of you. Oh, by the way, you didn't do anything wrong dear, so don't beat yourself up, okay. I hope this helps.
7 months ago he became friendly with an AA woman. ... I found out that he was friendly again with a woman at work.
... I found out he is still talking to the girl from work ...
Can anyone help me understand what alcoholics go through and if this is a dry drunk. ... Not matter how much i work my program I am so sad and confused.
I'm so sorry your relationship is broken.
Its true that most alcoholics and addicts are very selfish people. Getting over the addiction is one thing. Its something more to get rid of all the other 'stuff'. There is more broken with us drunks than just we drank too much. For me, I think the drinking and drugging was a symptom off all the 'stuff'.
The saying I've heard around A.A. is:
"What do you get when a drunken horse theif stops drinking? Answer. A horse theif"
So I stopped drinking and now I have this program to work on all this 'stuff'. When I'm working it, I do better. When I'm not working it so well am I 'dry drunk'? Maybe.
I'm glad to hear you are working your own program. I attend Al-Anon too from time to time. I found out I needed it real bad. What was it about ME that caused me to jump into another relationship with an abusive, selfish addict right after my alcoholic marriage failed?
Your already separated. Now is an opportunity for you each to work on your own separate 'stuff'. If he drinks or feels like blowing his head off, he has plenty of his stuff to work on.
Your still sad and confused? What do you mean by 'friendly'? He cheating? Then why do you want to stick it out? Not cheating? Then what is that? Your jealousy doesn't allow him to have female friends?
Thank you all for posting. I guess I just am trying to understand what is going on with him. I believe that this is his disease and there is always hope that things could change in the future. I am not ready for a divorce. WHY, with everything that is going on, do I not want one. I have no idea and i feel stupid at times for feeling this way. I have faith in AA and that it can change people. Is this stupid of me?
I guess I have not given up hope, I am trying to sit back and work on myself and just see what gods plan is for this situation. I believe that no matter what I do and no matter what i push for, gods plan is going to be what happens in the long run.
LW, AA is a great program, and worked properly (especially steps 4-10) one could expect to be less self centered, more honest and improve their ability to have a relationship. Some people are sicker than others, and others have a better capacity to be honest and look hard at themselves to see what others see. It's much easier to reach the level of willingness, to do this work, when the alcoholic is alone. FWIW good luck.
