If a man beat a woman up, he'd likely be in jail for awhile, then be required by the court to attend anger management classes. Have you considered living alone for a year or two, while you sort out some issues? It worked for me. Not that I was violent, my x-wife was. Current wife and I have been together 19 years, never even had an argument, not one.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 23rd of May 2012 10:18:42 PM
This past month mike and I have been hitting a rough patch. I beat the hell out of him last night. Today I went to a meeting to learn how not to do that again. Today he packed half his sht and left. He may or may not return in three days. Now, I have prayed on this for the past few hours. And my sponsor thinks it's great...... More time for me to spend in the program. But, for all his faults, if he came back, I'd take him. Now, is it wrong of me to think that if she's going to stay with her husband after he cheated on her that she's not the one I trust giving me advice on how sound my relationship is?
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
Okay, I don't like to go around stepping in other peoples 'doodoo' but for what it's worth, I think you should look to a sponsor for help in working the program ... Our primary purpose should be to learn to live and remain sober ... without that one goal, all others are superfluous ...
Your personal relationship problems are just that, yours ... Her relationship problems are hers to deal with, not yours ... from the way I read it, she showed a good example of what it means to practice 'forgiveness' ... and THAT IS a part of the program ...
The 'whole' purpose of AA and its steps and principles is to learn how not to drink ... and to learn there is a spiritual essence about us that we can nurture into a relationship with God which will in fact solve all our life problems ... IF you WORK the program, you WILL learn to live life on life's terms ...
Just my 2 cents worth, Good luck and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Tomorrow we "officially" go over step one. And I'm not straying from that topic. Your right, sponsors are for steps. (moms for relationship advice :) )
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
If a man beat a woman up, he'd likely be in jail for awhile, then be required by the court to attend anger management classes. Have you considered living alone for a year or two, while you sort out some issues? It worked for me. Not that I was violent, my x-wife was. Current wife and I have been together 19 years, never even had an argument, not one.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 23rd of May 2012 10:18:42 PM
I agree with Dean...maybe some time away would help. Keep working on yourself Ruhig, okay. The rest can work itself out over time.
My impression was that your sponsor saw a positive in the situation as it affected your work on the program. In a similar way I found myself living alone in early sobriety, not by my own choice, but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Left me free to attend as much AA as I wanted, come and go as I pleased, and when things went wrong, there was no one else to blame. It was a great space for getting sober. My sponsor never counselled me on relationships, just the program and learning from my mistakes.
When and where I first entered the program the rule of thumb, which was echoed from every sponsor and/or old timer was: no romantic relationships for the first year. Sound or not, agree or not, the idea was to allow one time to work on a relationship with onesself and one's higher power before complicating matters exponentionally. Personally I may have tried to skirt this advice but I only had eyes for my sponsor's niece and it wasn't going to happen without his blessing. :)
I agree it's best to 'forgo' any (new)relationship the first year, other than your relationship with your 'higher power' of course ... and of course it stands to reason that those of us in 'questionable' relationships should probably look at taking a 'year-long' break from it ... to first heal from the effects from our addiction ... That way, ... a relationship becomes much more meaningful when it's done on a sober playing field ...
The funny part is your zeroing in on your sponsor's niece ... How's that working out for you ??? ... Still biding your time ???
God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Great subject and very important. Relationships and money are the 2 biggest difficulties Alcoholics have. When I set up some healthy boundaries and my wife decided to leave, my Sponsor said great!
God just removed 1 of the biggest difficulties I had. He also pointed out that I needed to work on me, self love and learn to be independent. Find out who I really was and what I wanted, needed and desired. Then, in my next relationship I would hopefully choose carefully and have a healthy relationship with no dependency/strings attached.
He affirmed by working The Program and building a relationship with a Higher Power, that I could learn/obtain to live with or without her. He was right, my life is great today. I have time for ME and The Program. I have faith when I'm ready, God will put someone in my life if it's in his will for me.
By the way, that x-wife that left, wanted me back after 3-4 months on her own. I was healthy enough to say NO. By taking time away, I got to really see how unhealthy that relationship was and that I was settling for less.
personal attacks on your sponsors relationship status and history may not be in your best interests, we share our experience, much, if not most of that experience is the mistakes we have made, but invalidating our sponsors suggestions by invalidating our sponsor as a human being is not always the best strategy to a long lasting and happy sobriety...I'm speaking from personal experience here, I have done the same thing, don't like the message? invalidate the messenger. Hasn't brought me positive results yet.
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Great subject and very important. Relationships and money are the 2 biggest difficulties Alcoholics have. When I set up some healthy boundaries and my wife decided to leave, my Sponsor said great!
God just removed 1 of the biggest difficulties I had. He also pointed out that I needed to work on me, self love and learn to be independent. Find out who I really was and what I wanted, needed and desired. Then, in my next relationship I would hopefully choose carefully and have a healthy relationship with no dependency/strings attached.
He affirmed by working The Program and building a relationship with a Higher Power, that I could learn/obtain to live with or without her. He was right, my life is great today. I have time for ME and The Program. I have faith when I'm ready, God will put someone in my life if it's in his will for me.
By the way, that x-wife that left, wanted me back after 3-4 months on her own. I was healthy enough to say NO. By taking time away, I got to really see how unhealthy that relationship was and that I was settling for less.
that was -exactly- my experience as well, my sponsor said "my job is to get you healthy enough to say no when she comes back"
I am here to tell you he failed miserably, I said yes, a decision that caused a good ten years of needless suffering, literally.
I however, am more obtuse then most.
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Called mom last night. She said make ammends. It's not about whether or not he comes back, it's about making a sincere apology regardless of how he responds.
Went to a meeting with my sponsor. And read dr opinion and bills story.
Mike and I texted last night. The last thing he said was he needed space. So if he's not home by Monday I'm assuming he's not coming back and that I will tell my landlord, and move back in with mom.
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
He comes home today. I don't know when though. I'm torn. I'd really love to rip him a new one. Tell him I won't tolerate 60 days of pure constant misery with no effort whatsoever to change his mood, sh!t or get off the pot. On the other hand, I'm way to exhausted to even care. But apathy is not the answer either. So I figure I'll just apologise for my behavior, and let him know I'm not going to stop my program, that I'd like to think I'm going to take this self actualization thing seriously. Which I believe would get my point across more effectively. My sponsr said to drop a line to a mental health/anger management facility. Did that today. Start classes next week. If I make the effort, I'm sure hp would be willing to guide me. .,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,
just today, I'm not going to let my emotions rule my actions.
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
Now your thinking is starting to sound more 'just' ... (truthful/honest) ...
I learned a long time ago that when I use 'love and tolerance' in my relationship AND be the first one to GIVE more than a 100% to make it work, then 9 times out of 10, the other person will start giving more to the relationship without even bringing it up ... For me to give more than my fair share to the relationship shows a deep commitment to the other person on my part ... This kind of commitment is usually returned to you ... To give of yourself without expecting anything in return is the best commitment we can make to another person ... If they don't, over time, return that commitment, then and only then, should you look for that 'special' person somewhere else ... -or- it won't hurt a thing to continue to give everything you've got to make it work ... (it's our choice, we just don't need to try to control every freakin' thing that's going on ...)
Just the opinion of an old drunk!!! ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Well, I figure I made progress. We listened, got stuck in a cyclical resentment, got back on topic, yelled, quieted, and ended with an agreement, boundaries and a change of subject. Thanks for reading this and for the input.
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
By taking time away, I got to really see how unhealthy that relationship was and that I was settling for less.