Fear and Relationships Fear keeps us from leading meaningful lives and having meaningful relationships.
Inner Dragons Our inner dragons of fear can keep us from having meaningful relationships. These fears can make us run from love and intimacy and hide from the very things we say we most want. Fear and relationship do not belong together. Fear patterns begin early in life and affect every relationship we have. José Stevens, in his book Transforming Your Dragons, discusses these very fear patterns.
Dr. Stevens says the people who have great amounts of fear waste a lot of energy. They repeat the same mistakes over and over, and tend to see the world in black and white terms. They will see themselves as perfect or they will see themselves as worthless.
The fearful person moves away from her core self, living life in numbness. She lets other people dictate her life roles, and she carries great despair in the center of her being. She is only half-alive.
Neurotic Fears
Neurotic fears wreak havoc in a relationship. A person who feels unworthy and unlovable will not make a good mate. A doormat person may say they love you, but it is just a sign of the need for approval and affection.
Fear of Agression
The type of person who has the fear pattern of aggression does not trust people and protects himself by attacking first, before others can attack him. This type of person can lead a lonely life. When you are detached and aloof because of your vulnerability and fear of getting hurt, you can feel pretty lonely. You also distance relationships when you judge and criticize others.
Passivity
Another fear pattern is when you are passive in a relationship. You never have to make a decision or take action. This is the pattern of low self-esteem.
Impatience
Another type of inner fear pattern makes you act impatiently and intolerantly with others. In this way, you will quickly alienate and irritate other people.
Victim Pattern
Still another pattern, which we call the "victim", will blame you for everything and name you as the abuser. They will not take responsibility for their own actions, and they do not make good partners.
Always Needing More
The kind of person who can never get enough, which is another fear dragon, will demand a lot in a relationship but give very little. And still another type, the person who fears control and abandonment, will be controlling themselves and will often have strong addictions.
Stubborness
The last type of fear pattern belongs to the person who hates authority and is rebellious and stubborn as a result. This stubbornness is difficult to deal with in a relationship.
All of us have some of these fears, so it is easy to see why relationships can be so difficult. It is fear that keeps us from leading meaningful and fulfilling lives, so the main work in our lives is confronting these fears and releasing and healing them.
Dr. Paula Sunray
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Great post, and truer words were never spoken. My fears (fed by insecurity, jealousy, aggression, and, of course, the "sauce") wrecked past relationships, and darn near submarined the one I'm in now. You'd think I'd learn from past mistakes, but DUH, I'm just too dense.
"Easy does it." Not only does that little powder keg motto apply to sobriety--but to a full list of stuff, including relationships. Whenever I feel myself becoming angry, or a nauseous wave of insecurity sweeps over me (and it's all in my head), I have to step back, take a deep breath, and take it easy. Relax. Easier said than done, I know, but it does work, even for an ogre like me.
Hey, the above doesn't mean I'm Mr. Savvy now, just that I'm working on doing things better, and not getting so worked up that I gotta go crawl inside a bottle. I do intend to crawl on top of that salad bar this evening at my favorite restaurant, but that's another story. Have a good one, amigo.
Well..Mike. Youre not alone...Ive done my part..even in sobriety..to react, and act..insanely..with a lot of this stuff....and blow things all to hell...
Usually when opening mouth before putting brain in gear..
Its an everending, daily awareness...and learning thing..eh???
You have a good day my freind.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
OMG, phil, i see this list and i say "thank U HP for dragging me into recovery" WHAT a fear based little piece of work i am, but the good news is, i am PROGRESSING.....doing WAY better........so i "press on, regardless"......rosie
