I swore off drinking October 13th, 2010 and did pretty well for a while. I know I can't drink, my parents are alcoholics and I have absolutely no control once that first drink gets me drunk.
I've always been pretty functional--I've never been in legal trouble or lost a job over it, however, I've lost friendships and romantic relationships.
I'm currently going through a time...my ex husband has a plethora of mental health issues and I'm dealing with trying to keep my two children emotionally healthy with a parent that is mentally ill. They don't need me to go off MY rocker, too. My sister is a meth-head who just had her second child out of wedlock with some other random meth addict, she has moved in with my parents and THAT situation is another brick in the wall.
I got married last November to a wonderful, wonderful man. He has a disease that causes him to have a low libido at times--I knew this going in. It still causes me to be convinced that he:
A. Doesn't love me--he just married me for my money that I don't have?
B. Is having sex with someone else
C. Doesn't love me.
I know that all of this is nonsense, and we've talked about this so much I can't even bring it up anymore. He's gone to the doctor, we've gotten that taken care of, more or less, but I still find myself teetering on the edge of an abyss.
I started drinking again. I won't even think about it for months, days, weeks, and now with all of this crap here comes the old obsessy thoughts and then I drink and then the next day I feel like absolute hammered dog-poo (IBS, and I'm on anti-seizure meds--NOT supposed to drink. NOT.) and I go to work and I smile and I act normal but inside I have thought more than once that it would be nice to just die. I'm not suicidal, I won't harm myself--I'm just sick and tired and the siren song that is the madness of alcoholism is grating on my very soul.
Meeting, stat. Thanks for listening.
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"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." ~Anonymous
Yep, sick and tired of being sick and tired, I know that feeling.
Swearing off the booze, I can relate to that too. I've lost count of how many times I did that. Like you, I have absolutely no control once I have that first drink. BUT, I also don't have any control over that first drink. Left to my own resources, I will ALWAYS have that first drink, no matter how many times I swear off. In other words, I'm powerless over alcohol (and my life was and always was, unmanageable).
However, today, thanks to AA and to people like you coming back to AA, I'm not left to my own resources and I won't have that first drink.
I had to get to meetings, work the steps with the sponsor. If today it works for me, it will work for anyone.
I must constantly live in preparation for something better to come. All of life is a preparation for something better. I must anticipate the morning to come. I must feel, in the night of sorrow, that understanding joy that tells of confident expectation of better things to come. Sorrow may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Know that God has something better in store for you, as long as you are making yourself ready for it. All your existence in this world is a training for a better life to come..
Hi Amy.
I hope the above helps, If I put the work into AA I receive a great deal more. Keep working for it and yes Amy Will WIN :}
SteveP's post says it all for me too ... I don't have to have a drink TODAY ... ... I know I can go one 'f...n' day without a drink ... ... ...
It's all any of us have ... Today ... Don't concern yourself with yesterdays nor tomorrows .... Just concentrate only on TODAY ... Go to meetings, talk to your sponsor, and don't drink today ...
May God grant you the guidance to succeed, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Amy, when you really build up your program and your relationship with your HP, NOTHING human - no possession, no relationship, no amount of money lost is going to matter that much. In AA, you can find something so precious and a relationship with a God of your understanding. Once you have this, there is never a good reason to drink. Whatever you think you might lose, or whatever/whoever else comes and goes in your life - it won't matter that much because you will have yourself, your HP, and your sobriety. With that, all things are possible and you can always take your life in new directions.
If I don't stick with my program, I get obsessed thoughts about my world too and start thinking my relationships, my job, my family mean "everything." They mean a lot - but my peace of mind and my spirituality mean more. I have to matter most to me - If I don't stick with that, the disease of alcoholism WILL get me. If I stay on the path I've been on, I get to have a wonderful life I never thought possible.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Welcome back Amy. What we do around here is not drink, one day at a time and pursue a relationship with a Higher power. This reliance on HP greatly reduces our dependence on other people, places, things, and substances. Along the way, in recovery, we find a lot out about ourselves and our disease, through not only working the steps but, for many of us, other 12 step groups (for me, Acoa, Coda) and lots of other materials, once we build a good foundation in our primary program, which for this alcoholic is AA and the steps. Get busy with it, in the traditional fashion, it's a process not an event.
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles Amy, I really am. Life has its own set of restrictions too, which for us means 'not' drinking. My suggestion Amy is simple; go to a meeting dear and I mean now. I would talk candidly about 'where I am' and then ask someone for help. It's called 'taking the first step' dear, so please take that today. Allowing others the privilege of another relapse is never an option either, and I mean ever. It's not an easy road for any of us, but a road all the same. So get active again dear, and do it for yourself this time, okay. You're worth it, you really are.
