I did what I always do, started to feel better, convinced myself that I was fine and blowing my drinking issues out of proportion...and went out and got smashed.
Well I won't bore you with the details but something horribly stupid happened and now I could lose everything I've got.
I'm angry and disgusted with myself...but mostly just sad...soul crushingly sad.
Step one is the key, Tipsy. It's not enough to look at it and say "yeah, that's me. I've got a drinking problem and I screw up a lot". You need to believe it more than you believe in anything. You need to understand right inside your heart, or soul, or wherever you think your real centre is, that you are 100% alcoholic, you can't manage it or your life, and it's not going to get better if you drink.
As long as there is a touch of doubt in that step and you cling to some belief that one day you'll be able to drink like rest of the muggles out there then it'll just be a matter of time until your disease does the rest.
I knew I was an alcoholic for many, many years before I came to AA, but I never believed it. I always thought I could somehow drink properly at some point. The moment the scales truly fell from my eyes on that one was the moment I began to recover. But I need to keep reminding myself of it. The moment I forget that my little monster in my head will be right onto it and leading me to the nearest bar.
Step 1 is the only step we have to do 100%, if we don't the other 12 are meaningless. Remember we only hve to do this one day at a time. Foe me in the beginning at times it was 1 hour at a time. The beauty of this program is that we are no longer alone. Many have done this before us and are more then willing to help if we ask, but we have to ask. We have to be willing to do whatever it takes. We can't help the needy we can only help the willing. Pick yourself up dust yourself off and start over. Go to meetings get a sponsor and many many phone numbers. Get past the heavy phone syndrome and make the call, if we could have done this alone none of us would be here.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
Glad you made it back Tipsy. Been in your shoes. It sucks. Incompensible demoralization. Felt lower than whale sh*t. Put the bat away. It will only keep you sick.
It took every relapse for me to finally admit that I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanagable. I put up the white flag and surrendered. My recovery started at that point. Without complete surrender, there was no recovery for me. As others have said, Step one is the starting point, the foundation of recovery. It's the only one we do 100%. In order to change, we have to be aware there's a problem, admit/accept there's a problem and take action on the problem. The action for me was the working the 12 Step AA Program.
something horribly stupid happened and now I could lose everything I've got.
It gets worse Tipsy...much worse.
You're thinking you can handle it with the same brain you're drinking with. There is no law that says you gotta drink. You don't gotta and shouldn't...sober is normal and drunk abnormal.
Alcoholism is a fatal disease and can only be arrested by total abstinence. It gets worse...much worse; compulsion of the mind (drinking mind) and allergy of the body.
It gets much worse.
In support.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 14th of May 2012 06:16:23 PM
Were you going to meetings even? Did you have a sponsor? Were you working the steps? Tipsy, All of us have the same disease. I could not stay sober with out every tool the program had to offer. If left to my own devices, I would have talked myself into drinking as soon as I felt better also. As it was, I had a sponsor to call (and I did call daily) whenever I felt cravings or had thoughts -which were not often because I was so involved in AA during that first 2 years. I also completely stopped exposing myself to triggers - No bars - Only hung out with AA folks. Full emersion and working the AA program as suggested is what hit the interrupt button for me.
You have to work this program like your life depends on it.....because it does.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Being soul crushing sad helped me crawl back to AA and learn to say thank you that I made it back alive. However much is lost can never be regained (or gotten past) if I'm dead, which is all that awaits..sooner or later...if I drink again.
Hey Tipsy, So where is the bottom?? Is it way lower than "soul crushingly sad"? Like Jerry F said, It can get worse. I honestly hope that this is the "hit bottom" event for you so you can turn yourself over to the program. I really think you are an honest, soul searching person and you see something here, but your "demon" keeps taking charge. You can get control by surrendering. Prayers, Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
It sounds like doing what you always do doesn't work so well unless you're getting the results you truely want. When you hit your bottom which could be lower than you are and believe will happen if you live long enough you will get step one. Without step one and doing the things you need to do your life isn't going to change. There is a saying: If you don't remember your last drunk you haven't had it yet. Before you pick up another drink remember your last drink and decide if you want to go down that road again.
Glad you made it back hope you have had enough and stay.
Hey Tipsy, ... I haven't been around for a long time ... I see you're still doing what you've always done ... Ready to change things yet???
I am real sorry to have to say this, BUT if the only way you are going to take sobriety seriously, is to lose everything you've got, then maybe this would be the best thing to happen in your life right now ... Lord only knows you keep doing things 'your' way and not the AA way ... The promises in the book only come true if we are willing to WORK for them ...
May God be with you, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
At my meeting last night in our Step 1 discussion, a woman said "admitting I was powerless gave me power."
I've been where you are TMcS and I know it's hard, very very hard, but that power is yours for the taking, and believe me and the others on this board, it is worth it.
Thank you for helping me stay sober today.
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The Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you treat others.
