And I am nervous, anxious and scared. My "other human being" is a Minister and licensed attorney. I will be paying him $1 for his legal fees to insure client confidentiality. He is a friend...so far. When he's done listening to my littany of resentments, fears and wrongs I pray he will not judge me as unsuitable for his friendship. I have no control of that. I value his feedback and counsel, especially if he tells me things I don't want to hear.
Still...I'm scared. I'm scared of hearing the wrongs I've percieved done to me, the effect they have had on me and my part in them. I'm afraid to voice my fears, as though saying them aloud will somehow call them into being. But most of all, I'm terrified of hearing my buried, entombed and undead sins wrest their way out of my throat and out my mouth: the same mouth that tells my kids that I love them every day.
I have selected a site outdoors, where a spring creates a waterfall. Both for the cleansing aspect of God's most powerful aspect on this planet, but also because anybody not sitting beside me will be unable to hear me speak.
Those of you who have done this...what was it like for you?
Oddly enough, I felt just as you described before my fifth step. And since, I have been able to let go of most of the fears, the guilt, the remorse, the shame. I will keep you in prayer that you find the same. Once it's out, it is easier to let it go. Once you let it go, it can no longer haunt you and keep you in the place you are right now. Blessings to you, Aquaman, and good for you !!! Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
I felt the same. At one point I had decided never to take this step for the reasons you mention, but God did something to change my ideas. It all happened much as described in the book. The best reason for taking this step is that we may not overcome drinking if we don't - it's that simple.
The greatest benefit: "Once we have taken this step, witholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone and at perfect ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs , but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. the feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the broad highway, walking hand in hand with the spirit ot the universe." p75.
That's exactly how it was for me. There was an added benefit which I will just mention briefly. I lost my lonliness, my shame, the sense of being the worst case ever to come to AA. I think your choice of confidante is very wise. In my case I chose my sponsor, which had an added advantage - he shared some of his 5th and I found out I was just normal, for an alcoholic - we were talking about things I never heard in meetings.
Rob, if you find after this that you still feel a bit lonely like I did, I would suggest a session with your sponsor to go over the specific alcoholic behaviours (wrongs) that still bother you. Alcohol had me betraying my values in every way imaginable, and quite a few unimaginable ways, and a bit of feedback to let me know this was just normal alcoholic stuff was very reassuring.
And remember, courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Good for you Rob. A few of the bricks fell out of the backpack when I completed Step 5. I felt lighter on my feet and a sense of serenity and peace. The remaining bricks fell out after Step 9. Life then took on a new meaning. The Promises started to materialize.
I did this with eagerness and willingness. I guess I got to the point in my recovery where I had already forgiven myself,and others. I must have because if not I would have continued to drink on these. I had shared within meetings of my pains of the past, not all but most.
I honestly gave this step my all. Why because I never wanted ever, to feel so hurt and helpless ever again as I did the last day I had my last drink ! The fear that this may well happen again was enough to help me do this step without '' Fear ''..or even apprehension...
Yes it was emotional after all I am an emotional person. I asked my God to work through me. He has his plans for me :} I felt elated,lighter,brighter after with a greater sense of peace.
I was hop, skipping along and this just seemed to put that extra skip into my step. :} Today I understand the need to share, and the willingness also. I wanted all of AA..
Aquaman ... I felt as you did ... I hated doing it , i feared it, and I was scared to death that someone would know all my secrets and I'd be doomed ... Well guess what ? ... it didn't kill me and I basically didn't confess much that my sponsor hadn't already done too ...
What I remember most, was the feeling that the whole world had been lifted off my shoulders ... I began a whole new relationship with God and have worked daily to improve my 'conscious contact' with Him ... it's been a great last few years ...
Good Luck and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yo AM, I felt the same way you did. I did feel very good prior knowing that it was going to be for the better. Also, I was raised Catholic so I had some experience with "confession". Really make it count and let it all out. Bring a list. Once you set that tone for your life, things change. Prayers to you my friend! Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I bet you do feel great with this out of the way ... A daily inventory is so much easier ... and when we're wrong, just go up and admit it and get it over with ... Ha! Poof -- back on track!!!
Take Care and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
