I walked out an a meeting tonight. I had to wait in the parking lot for the girl I picked up to come out, and I just really wanted to leave. I can't talk about the suicide very easily, and people who are just trying to help, carry on about it longer than what I can handle.
I went to another meeting the next hour, and my old sponsor was there, laughing at the speaker, and being obnoxious. Next to him, sat the man that works with my husband, who is the reason I am in AA. Buddies with the only person who has come close to driving me away from AA. How ironic. What a let down too. I built him up to be my savior on a golden throne.
I called my new sponsor. She was busy as usual. Poor poor me.
This day has not been a great AA day for me.
Tonight I need to calm down. Pray about it. Look for the good, and the courage to change the things I can... instead of dwelling on the things I can not change, as I am clearly doing.
I am never going to be a saint. I am never going to have a perfect day.
I wanted to shut down, and shut things out tonight. I came home crabby, and cold shouldered my husband while mumbling some complaints about random messes around the house. Meanwhile, I think to myself, "if this is how the house is going to look every time I go to an evening meeting... I'm not going anymore!"
The voice that knows this is wrong is squeeling in it's tiny little voice: "You are so lucky to have what you do... focus on what you're grateful for!" But I crunch on some chips loudly, with a pouty look on my face, until the voice is drowned out.
Somehow, the selfish self centered Natasha seems to deflate a little as my fingers leak out the 80 words per minute... here, to you... to me.
My kitty purrs next to me, he knows I'm relaxing, and congradulates me with his tickly whiskers.
God is good.
This forum is a blessing.
Good night - thanks for keeping me sober tonight. Thanks for those of you who say keep coming back... keep writing... keep at it. I needed that... still do.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
At the conference last night, an old-timer with 30 plus years was complaining to me that these young peoples groups and conventions are just pushing the older members to one side, and don't the traditions tell us that it doesn't matter what our age is, and these so-called splinter groups whittle away at the unity of AA, etc. etc. etc. This is a man who has twice the amount of 24 hours that I do, who has probably done more 12-step calls than anyone in our district, and who was instrumental in founding the recovery house I work for, and here he was, whining that people weren't noticing him anymore. Bleeding deacon, I thought. And then I remembered something from tradition 5, that sometimes the suffering alcoholic is not always the newcomer. Sometimes its the guy who has been around a while, that no one is talking to anymore, because they figure he's been sober a long time, he doesn't need any help and besides what do I have to offer an oldtimer anyway?
I'm going to call my friend this morning and tell him that Nancy and I will be at a few of the morning meetings, then we're having a picnic lunch with some of our younger sponcees, than we plan to take in a workshop, a few more meetings, we're looking forward to the pizza banquet and the dance later and that he is welcome to join us for friendship and fellowship. I might even tell him to bring some cheese to go along with his whine, because that's what he would have said to me.
Maybe this doesn't have anything to do with your topic. Maybe its got more to do with me than with you. But you're welcome to join us for cheese. :)
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of my days are worthless, anymore.
That's a really really good point! I never thought about things that way, and it's so true! I'm going to make a point to see how the speaker last night is doing if I see him this morning at the meeting.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Most of the people that I have felt anger towards or have been annoyed by in AA wound up being inspirations to me in one way or another. My first sponsor was a nut case in many ways. I had intense "wounded" feelings when he didn't act like I wanted.... But I stayed sober. In retrospect - no matter how he acted, I did stay sober. He was evidently the perfect sponsor for me at that time.
You are staying sober Tasha. You are doing the work and walking the walk. Hence, you need not feel resentment towards any former or current sponsor. If they are not meeting your needs, keep searching but there's no need to feel resentment over the way a person did or did not help you for free.
Don't give the old sponsor negative head space - it's all part of what's gotten you this 50 some days sober.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey JaD, thanks for this. I see that you've already got some good responses already.
I recently found out that a parent at my son's school is a diabetic. I noticed that person doing their insulin injection recently and basically just asked them about it. Turns out, they keep an eye on their blood sugar levels and take the shot around those measurements. They don't particularly like it or dislike it, but it's just something they do, something they accept, something that's part of their life and which keeps them alive.
I immediately understood. For me, AA is my medicine and meetings are part of that medicine. The difference is, for the most part, I like meetings. But not always. But I have to keep doing them.
Among the zillion AA sayings, there's one that has saved my life a few times: "If you like every meeting that you've ever gone to, then you're not going to enough meetings." ;)
The reality too is that AA is full of all sorts of people, not all of them particularly well. Frankly, I find it reassuring when I meet tiresome jerks in AA who are sober. It tells me that if they can do it, then so can I.
Besides, like you say, you've got the forum here. ;)
"If you like every meeting that you've ever gone to, then you're not going to enough meetings." ;) :} :} Nice one Steve and I too have heard this.
We just have 3 very small meetings a week here. With the same few, very few members. Yes I too have to live in the reality you mentioned :} And something I do know today is that we are all carrying the AA message to each other.
And even my ex old timer sponsor continues to attend. So do I. She no longer talks to me, other than in a share. But I make sure I talk to her, I am not sure if she likes that. Anyway that's how it is.
We both know and understand that a share and a meeting is always going to be needed. We are both there for each other and others. That's what AA is.
And besides like you say I have the forum :} It so makes me smile. Thank you all.
