"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." -- Step Eleven of Alcoholics Anonymous Days of Healing Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty, Daily Meditations for Adult Children "Be with me." "Take my hand. Give me strength for today's climb. Protect me from self-pity; help me get up if I should stumble. Keep your eye on me, I'm with you." This is one person's example of daily, deliberate contact with her Higher Power. She sees her daily invitation as a request for both leadership and companionship. She finds healing, power, and peace in the consistent practice of this step. She doesn't have to walk alone through any of her days. She travels in good company with a friend who knows the way. There is order and stability in God's company, and it is available to those who seek it. The Eleventh Step keeps us going in the right direction.
#######ROSIE.....i am heavy heavy duty working my "HP steps/work" bcuz this part of my program has been so lacking so neglected bcuz of my former distrust and even hate for ANY authority, even a diety.......this program and its freedom of saying "as we understand it" has liberated me...i look WITHIN......the slogan "let it begin with me" takes on special meaning to someone like me who has been spiritually abused too....i felt so abandoned by god, et al...that i hated it/ distrusted it, distrusted EVERYthing/one......now???? i am learning to trust SAFE others.....my HP is safe....my "Christ within" is safe.......i KNOW w/out a doubt that it was this inner higher power that kept me going in the times of complete darkness....i lived in total darkness, i reeked of it......i know people stayed away from me bcuz of the horrible dark cloud that was over me.......when that kind of activity goes on in a household....drinking/ sex perversion/ incest/ physical abuse/ blasphemy to the Holy Spirit/ ALL the commandments were not only broken, but stomped on.......there was NO sorrow, not remourse for the "run a way" evil that went on....
#######i remember siblings dying.....not spoken of.....the deaths i do remember was my 4 yr. old sister who had a bad heart......she died of neglect....she MAY have had a chance had she been taken care of....but the nightly horrors were too much stress and shock/ trauma for the sickly little creature and she died!!!!! got sick with a bad cold and she was GONE!!!!!! i don't blame her!!! at first i was angry, her leaving me with it, but now i understand....she was my little friend...i felt so abandoned.......than 5 years ago, my 49 year old codependent brother whom i adored, my playmate and "survival buddy" in the house of horrors. died!!!! he point blank told another brother of mine that he was "done with life and its hell....he wanted OUT"......2 weeks later he got the flu...refused to treat it and it went crazy through his system, runaway infection through his body, he was taken to the hospital unconscious as he wanted to die , i know it, anyway, by the time he got to the hospital, it was too late.....doctors said, he did not look to be fighting for life at all......i knew why!!! it broke my heart!! the little guy just did not want to be here anymore......just like mom....just like luanne......just like me for SOOO long........i know they had other kids who died, but it wasn't spoken of....god only knows what happened to the 2 i didn't get to play with....maybe god does not want me knowing.....i think my HP only wants me to remember enough (and my memory, though it has gaps, is full with enuf pain) to heal me.....why remember more than i have to.......all i know is, he didn't kill me...there has to be a good purpose for me...i am seeking it through total surrender to my HP.....
#######so i am doing LOTS of "HP" work, LOTS of surrendering my entire self over to my HP.....i pray to the Holy Spirit....that part of God/ Jesus that resides in me......adn it works for me......i am doing a LOT of surrendering work.....as i remember something awful, i work the steps on it...discharge the emotions and than i turn it over on step 3........i was powerless.....i AM powerless, but my HP is not.....each morning, each night i do my prayer/ meditation and i LOVE it....i am beginning to LOVE the peace/ love/ positive energy i feel........i CAN break free of all that madness......i AM breaking free, i AM making a new and clean and sane and POSITIVE life for me.......i KNOW i am no longer alone......i spent almost all t/giving holiday alone as far as physical bodies are concerned....but i was NOT alone......i am not alone now............i am LOSING all this sewerage that was dumped on me ......i am being cleansed.........i LOVE to start my day with my HP...and end it with my HP......i lie in my bed, nice and warm....do my deep breathing and i chant a bit to relax me, and i give my spirit over.......i don't TELL my hp, anything.....i give over my needs/ wants.....i state my condition or need or want...i do NOT tell HP how to answer my prayer, i just give thanks for prayer answered AS IT SHOULD BE...according to divine plan........and than i spend my time with gratitude....and than i listen.........and than i go free....prayers answered.......i feel better......that means i am on the right track.....thanks, DONE
The God of my understanding had a plan for me before I was even conceived. He never gives me more than I can handle. Having Faith in knowing these 2 things is what keeps me sober, (somewhat) sane, and happier than I've ever been........
Love to you Rosie.
Doll
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
