My son got the cast off his arm yesterday. 6 weeks already? I had just gotten sober when he broke it. I was so grateful to be sober on that day... only days in. I could have been wasted, unable to care for him, drive him to the ER, or possibly even remember it happening. I could have been passed out on the couch... there are a million "could have's" that by the grace of God were never inflicted on my son.
That day, I did not want to face my in laws in the ER room, I was hiding from everyone who just discovered I was a closet drinker. I litterally drank in my closet sometimes by the way. My husband told everyone in our family, and my secret was such no longer. The day Max broke his arm, was a day I had planned weeks in advance to have a family gathering for all of his side to come and spend the day here on our hobby farm. I prepared the food, cleaned the house as usual, but slipped away to hide for the day. I just couldn't face them. I was too ashamed.
Now, 6 weeks later, Max gets his cast off, and his arm is weak, smelly, flaky and... perfect.
My 6 weeks of mental healing has resulted in something about the same.
I'm still oh so weak minded pertaining to so many things. I'm still not able to face his family, and I know the longer I put it off, the bigger I make it.
I still have lots of "stinkin thinkin" and I can be pretty flaky - self absorbed.
But I'm sober, and that's perfect.
My faults I can pray be removed. I can pray for those still going through what I did, and be a better person today because I've surrendered to this program... my HP.
Thank you for helping me be the Mom I lost in a sea of red wine wearing rose colored shades.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
It seems like you are taking comfort in the positive actions you are taking in recovery. The good news is after we get over the initial hurdles we rarely if ever need experience the feelings of shame and remorse ever again.
A lot of people have problems, the great shame is in doing nothing about them. I hope you can get past the shame and move n with the in-laws. I would talk to your sponsor about jumping to 9th step and making amends to them and explain how you are moving forward. Look at pages 79-80, we must not shrink at any one or anything.
Hope this can help.
Rob
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
The only thing I feel truly sorry to them for is hurting their son, and grandchildren. They knew nothing of my drinking. Would I go and apologize for this? If Zach hadn't told them I was an alcoholic, I would have never told them, I'm sure of that. It's not something I plan on telling any more people (who are not alcoholics) than what already have found out. I do not tell people when I have PMS either. These are things I will just never feel comfortable broadcasting. In this case - If I do apologize soon to them for the pain I've caused Zach their son, I would still not feel comfortable being around them or any of his family. It wouldn't change anything. I do need advice on this if anyone has any.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Tasha, all of these issues are addressed in the steps in great detail, the step you are referring to is step 9, and there is a reason we do the steps in order, we learn how to "make amends" rather then apologizing, an apology is a "formal defense", an amends is "fixing what's broken", and none of us can change the past, but every one of us can change our "now", and thus "change our future", in many cases we do this by making what is known as a "living amends", we "fix what is broken" by being better people, better husbands, better wives, better parents and better people.
Apologies are what we did when we were drinking, amends are what we do as Sober People.
This is why we find someone who "has what we want" as a sponsor, someone who has similar experience, and has become a good ________ (fill in the blank) parent, wife, son, daughter, husband, wife, etc.
All of these issues are actually covered in masterful detail by working the steps, we work the steps and everything else falls into place....everything, I promise you.
We don't lead with our chin...ever...that was POUNDED into me...a good and competent sponsor will be able to show you how she addressed every one of these issues as you work the steps together and -find your own answers- by working those steps.
Trust the process, but do the process, it works, it really does.
-- Edited by LinBabaAgo-go on Sunday 13th of May 2012 08:20:47 PM
__________________
Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Am I suppose to apologize for being an alcoholic or not? I feel like I shouldn't apologize for that. I have done no harm to his family, they didn't even know, and we all had wonderful relations. I enjoyed his family more than he did. I had a very good relationship with his Mom especially. I am trying to put myself in their shoes, but I'm too damned self centered apparently. I'm having trouble doing it.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Am I suppose to apologize for being an alcoholic or not? I feel like I shouldn't apologize for that. I have done no harm to his family, they didn't even know, and we all had wonderful relations. I enjoyed his family more than he did. I had a very good relationship with his Mom especially. I am trying to put myself in their shoes, but I'm too damned self centered apparently. I'm having trouble doing it.
Would you apologize for having cancer? A mental illness?
You might apologize for specific actions -done directly to the person or persons affected- as the result of having one of these conditions, but not for the condition itself.
Please, please, please find an older, gentle, wise female sponsor, and walk through the steps with her
We all go through these growing pains, next week this will be last weeks drama, tomorrow the sun will come up, you will hug your children and husband, and life will go on.
Time takes Time
((((((((hugs)))))))))
__________________
Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Getting a sponsor as you described would be a dream come true. I already feel really really unlucky to live where I do, where there are not a lot of woman... trying to just keep looking and not dwell on it. It really brings me down... and I have enough guests at my pity party right now.
Yesterday at my morning meeting, I brought up this issue about my family situation - because yes, I have no one else to turn to but this board and my topic meetings, and a guy actually told me straight out to not use the meeting to talk about my problem, and told me to take it up with my sponsor. Then he went on to brag about how he had 5 sponsors in early sobriety and needed them all. He told me to talk to my sponsor and get more. He failed to notice that we were in a meeting of 28 men and one woman - me. The day before, I was astounded to find a HUGE meeting of over 100 people. Well, men, and then me, and one other lady who I've talked to before and is a constant relapser.
It's not fair, but I can't change it, and I can not feel sorry for myself. Even when you, and other people tell me to stop reaching out here, and at meetings, I wont. I need this, and I need to talk about what's going on and get advise and help. Nothing will stand in the way of my sobriety today.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I did however yesterday, get 26 other WONDERFUL responses, and I left in tears at the amount of care people can show for a stranger. I felt so lucky! So empowered. Never have I felt such appreciation that it made me overwhelmed with joy and tears. That meeting yesterday, lasted 2 hrs. It's the only meeting I've ever been to, where everyone sat there the full 2 hrs until every single person was done sharing and helping and many people took more than one turn. The man who told me talk to my sponsor, left at the one hr marker. So my feeling is still unbelievable gratitude for the program, despite my less than perfect sponsor situation.
I have gotten a lot of help and wonderful advise from you linaba - I'm not trying to be ungrateful - I am truly grateful for this gifts you've already given me, and this lesson today.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
My experience is in situations like this is to reach out to them and address the situation. We can ask 100 people but in my mind there is only one sober thing to do for yourself and the good of your family and that is to address (not necessarily apologize) the situation let them know you want to continue a positive relationship moving forward and you are focused on recovery, clear our side of the street. Their decision or reaction is not of concern, leave the results to God, give time time and continue with our recovery. My experience is 95% of the time people support what you are doing and the relationship improves.
Some may not feel we are responsible for the desease, but we are responsible for our recovery.
I know this is not the easier softer way, but God will give you strength if you ask. In the old days I would have build up my defenses and came up with justifications as to why others and their behaviors where wrong and figure out a reason why I should be angry with them or try and sweep it under the rug or get 20 opinions till I found the one I liked.
Most people in this World are walking around without a program, I quit trying to figure out why they deal with problems and situations the way they do. Do our best to take care of our side of the street and keep living in the solution and the steps our relationships always seem to get better.
Hope this can help..
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Even when you, and other people tell me to stop reaching out here, and at meetings, I wont. I need this, and I need to talk about what's going on and get advise and help. Nothing will stand in the way of my sobriety today.
Please reread what I wrote and see if you can point out where I said stop reaching out here.
I was suggesting help "in addition to" this forum, your meetings etc.
The steps remap our thinking, our thinking is what got us in to this mess in the first place, until we get that remapping, or spiritual awakening, we are going to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.
Einstein said we can't fix our problems with the same level of thinking that created the problems in the first place. The steps change that thinking
((((hugs)))
__________________
Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Sorry Linbaba - I am over reacting because the sponsor thing is not all I hoped it could be. I have a wonderful recourse, that I'm not even using - and you've made me see that. Thanks.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
