I haven't been able to stop drinking. Regardless of having every reason in the world and a great deal of meaningful motivation, my wonderful wife, a beautiful new daughter, a career I enjoy, etc., none of it has helped win the battle against my brain. So maybe I should just quit fighting? Maybe I just have to accept that this is who I am. That would mean only imbibing at specific times. Never at family or work functions. Never in the presence of my wife or daughter. It would mean limiting my usage to times and places where I can do little harm and with people who enjoy my company in that state. I have managed to regain some measure of control over the years. I never drive drunk anymore. I've gone from drinking 5-6 days a week to 1-2. I guess you could say that I've worked on becoming a more responsible drinker. Do I still feel the horrific dispair the morning after? Yes. Do I still make a fool of myself, waste money, do harm to my health by binge smoking while I drink? Naturally. But I've just grown weary of the endless battle that in my heart I don't believe I can win.
Is this "solution" viable? Is it possible that I could live this way and maintain it?
Your thoughts?
-- Edited by TipsyMcstagger on Friday 4th of May 2012 12:07:31 PM
Maybe you haven't crossed the fine line between alcohol abuse and alcoholic ...
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Suppose in the long run you'll find out one way or the other.
When I went back to drinking I did pretty good, I thought, for the 1st year. By the end of 3 years I was drunk every day again, hiring lawyers, getting divorced, etc. Having a 2nd marriage fall apart was my bottom I guess. After that, I didn't want to play anymore and was ready to 'work' the 1st step. If I was clinically alcoholic took a back seat to the idea that I was powerless over alcohol.
-- Edited by rrib on Friday 4th of May 2012 03:26:39 PM
Tipsy, a few things come to mind. First, imagine being happier without booze. That's probably not something that you've considered. Most of us felt like our life would be over without alcohol. The opposite is true, especially long term, in either direction. Another thought, last year I was having some stomach issues. A bit of pain, like signs of an ulcer, which I've never had. I started to wonder about having to quit ingesting all the hot sauce I like to pour on everything, the jalapeno peppers, even coffee I spoke to a friend of mine who is knowledgeable about such things, and he made a very profound statement. "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you". I started to evaluate my stress closer, in an attempt to micro manage it better lol. It's worked. I'm "no big dealing" a lot of things now.
My reference to this is that you are very focused on "to drink or Not to drink", and not at all focused on "why is James so uncomfortable in his own skin (with a wife, career, family, home etc...) that he Has to drink, to feel good about himself, his life???"
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 4th of May 2012 09:01:45 PM
Personally, every time I tried to "manage" my drinking, I failed miserably. That's why I could embrace step one. If you are an alcoholic, and I am, it is a progressive disease. For me, because I have this addiction, this obsession of the mind, I don't stand a chance trying to limit my drinking or control it. There always comes a time when I break the promises to myself and find myself even lower than I was before. Can you live this way and maintain it? I would think maybe...for a time...but managing a plan that includes horrific despair, loss of money, loss of respect, and the possible loss of your family just doesn't seem worth it. Just my opinion. I tried it for more years than I care to remember and it never worked for me. Getting sober wasn't easy but it is worth it.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
You'll find that many if not all of us here have been where you are.
In my experience, telling yourself you will control/limit your intake feels so good because you think that by promising yourself, you have control. The problem is that when the gloves are off, and you or someone else offers you a refill, your alcoholism will take over and tell you that it's safe to keep drinking. That's what happened to me. Then, you are dealing with the hangover, and feeling disappointed in your self for not keeping your promise to yourself.
Believe me, it is so much more freeing to admit that you cannot control it, and rely on your AA brothers and sisters to help you stay sober.
On that note, thank you for helping me stay sober today.
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The Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you treat others.
I needed locking up before I stopped drinking ! But many,many walk into the rooms of AA and stay sober from then on. How wonderful is that. We all have our own paths.
Are you ready to do things the AA way ? My understanding today is if I do not pick up that first drink, that you seems to be doing 1-2 times a week ! I will not get drunk. And if I do things like others are doing I stand a fighting chance of living a happy and sober life just for today.
Would you like an easy softer way out. Or a simple easy way to do things. I have always been told that the simple easy way to do things is to follow the simple directions of other Alcoholics. They also told me it works if you work it !. And that I was selfish and self seeking. Me,myself and I. Did I want to hear that..No way. !..
A good old timer sponsor also told me if and when I stopped thinking of myself,and started to think of others I would be moving forward in my recovery.
Maybe find someone else in the AA rooms who feels the same way,who is in need of encouragement and support to even drive them to a meeting,get them some tea/coffee. Maybe this link will help,I hope it works.
http://transitionsdaily.org/pagedoctordrunks.html
Try reading the Doctors Opinion in the Big Book. And also page 62-68. I was told to read these things,although its is just suggested.
Anyway,never give up and never give in, never pick up that first drink.
Like you I spent many years trying to manage my drinking. I tried to drink away from my children and wife. Sometimes I would do it only when I was out of town. Or I would keep it hidden so that they didn't know I was buzzed. But as the years went on this became very difficult to sustain. And I finally ended up passed out in front of my family, and then I had to admit to myself that the managing of drinking really sucked. I can't say I enjoyed it, especially since I was by myself most of the time. I was miserable. I still had a decent job, a wife, kids, house, but I was miserable.
I finally went to AA and committed to working the program. I did the steps, got a sponsor, went to 90 meetings in 90 days, and began to change my attitude toward drinking and the way I lived my life. It's not enough to cut back or stop the drinking. An alcoholic needs to change the way he or she thinks and needs to develop a new attitude toward the world.
Hope you can get a program going. Wishing you the best.
There were times in my life when I managed my drinking a little better than others. The problem remained though. My feedback is that you will spiral out of control and drinking will be a big problem again when your life gets harder. Normal drinkers do not have to struggle so much with limits and efforts at controlling there drinking. You sound like a diabetic finding every reason to sneak chocolate bars.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying our own power. We had to have God's help." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62
I never liked myself because I could not stop drinking. I knew it was causing me so many difficulties in all my relationships and yet I still did it. The drink had me beat,it had control over me.
Today I am happy in the fact that I am an Alcoholic doing something about stopping drinking instead of wishing about it or putting it off till next week,next month.
What I've come to realize today is quite simple actually, and it involves decision making mostly; which, for me, means 'getting it right the first time'. The only way we can effectively change history is by not repeating those same mistakes again. The past, the ghosts, the tragedy and loss, the heart changing split second decisions with immense unforeseen implications - these were just reactions to what I considered alcoholic reasoning. Running away from them has gotten me here, to a point I would describe as less than torturous. And if I drink and get high today because of my past, then my past still becomes that enigma that seeks to ruin me. But, if I am capable of managing the day sober, then my past couldn't have ruined me, and obviously it doesn't rule me either, now does it? But instead has become the opportunity that provoked change, rather than the thing that keeps me down. Its kind of cool actually, to be able to rewrite the past somehow, and author the future as well. If I continue to improve on this sober foundation and do my best to stay rooted in the present and in A.A. than sobriety will become the successful metaphor that moves me into the next stage of my life, but only if I choose to remain that way. so please do so, for today.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 5th of May 2012 07:31:35 PM
I greatly appreciate the much needed words of advice and guidence. I can't seem to do this alone. I'm tired of the battle. I'm worn out from the binging, the hiding, the lying and with the and berating myself whenever I close my eyes. I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin but I am. I'm as tightly strung as a piano wire and I've been self medicating with alcohol since I was 15. I can't do it anymore...I catch glimpses of my tired, hungover, haggard looking self in a store front window and I'm shocked. Then I stop drinking for a week, hit the gym, eat well, etc. and the second I start to feel great I celebrate with a binge and the whole ugly cycle begins again. I need some help...but my brain doesn't function properly and it stops me from doing what I know needs to be done. Does anyone know what a labotemy costs these days :)
TM, sounds like a lot of us. We sober up, get some rest, eat healthy, exercise, get the good energy and endorphins flowing. We heal to quickly and our disease tells us "what problem". So we "celebrate". AA talks about self destructive behavior but I got a better picture from the literature in Acoa. It speaks of "sabotaging our success", and "perpetuating our own abandonment". Reading that (and the big book) I began to see that there was a lot of forces, that I knew nothing about, working against me. I was like a pawn in this big evil plot to take me down. It scared me and I was ready to ask for help. I was pretty beat up (at 27 years old) when I got in here. But I struggled for 2 years to stay sober. Couldn't get past 2 months before "celebrating". Finally a serious of unfortunate events occurred. Best drinking buddy died, wife and I split up for the last time, had to leave a great job. Those were tip of the iceberg. I got a real ugly premonition of me getting a DUI and losing my license, ability to work, pay rent, child support, bills.... All of the sudden it was just me and impending doom. I told my disease to stfu, and I committed to doing all of the things that I'd heard other people doing to get sober, for the last 2 years that I'd been in and out of meetings. Beginning with going to 90 meetings in 90 days. I thought if I can get to 3 months sober and get an old crumudgeon for a sponsor, that I would "make it". Pretty soon I replaced my obsession to drink with an obsession to get sober. That how it worked. And of course, that longer that you're sober the easier it gets.
Hey Tip, you do not have to do this alone and you are not alone. I have had some of the same thoughts and feelings before I came in AA and after being here for awhile. One day at a time I went to meetings,got a sponsor, studied the Big Book and allow my sponsor to guide me through the 12 steps. My life changed and now I have a personal relationship with God of my own understanding that gives me Grace and Love each day. Good to hear from you again and Keep Coming Back!
I'm still drinking but started going to AA 5 days ago. I definitely have that same thought in the back of my mind. In a secret place in my brain, I am telling myself that "I will either quit drinking or I will learn to drink socially."...because I'm too scared to say never again.
That being said, if you re-read your own post, sneaking, weary, can't do it, hide it, lying.....all of your own feelings seems to point to that even if you could do this, you don't sound as if you would be happy with your self, your heart, your beautiful daughter, your bond with your wife, etc.
We've all known someone that has lost their loved ones due to their drinking or using of some other sort. I really hate that I don't have an answer for you, because I understand what you are saying. The only thing I can offer is for you to re-read your own words and see how it would make YOU feel.
I'm sure people that have been in the program have been through the same thing and you will get some great advice from here, but I am so glad you posted. Thank you and please keep me posted!
In hindsight, I could never trust any decision I made while drinking. I don't mean while drunk, I mean in my drinking years. Not that every decision was wrong... just that any decision made when alcohol was my #1 priority in life is suspect.
The dilemma is that our decision making ability doesn't improve until we stop drinking, and that doesn't happen until we decide to drop drinking. It's a closed loop that often requires some outside intervention. Of course many of us have had the decision made for us - on a temporary basis at least - by family, doctors, the law. But unless the personal decision is made, we're going to go back to drinking eventually. Or quite often, at the first opportunity.
That's why AA makes it really really simple. Don't drink today, and go to a meeting. That's it. I could handle that. Then I did it again the next day, and again the day after that. Did I want to drink? Of course I did. Once the physical effects of my last drunk had lifted and I started feel better, it was on my mind all the time. But I kept coming around AA and started to want what you guys had, and that was pretty simple too - keep coming around, don't drink, and work the steps to the best of my ability.
AA has been called a simple program for complicated people, and I agree with that description. Most of us are pretty intelligent, and if you give us something sufficiently complicated, we can easily twist it around to justify anything, and that usually leads to drinking. You will get tired of hearing don't drink, go to meetings, read the Big Book, call your sponsor, work the steps. But there's no 33rd-degree secret here - that's really what it is. It doesn't matter if you don't believe. Do it anyway. It's not about believing, and then acting. Acting first... then come to believe.
Pretty simple for me....If I could do what you are proposing...I wouldn't be on this this site right now.
Lol, very good point.
In retrospect I realize how dumb the idea I proposed is. It's like a diabetic saying "if I eat my chocolate cake where nobody can see me will it do me any harm?"...not the most intelligent idea I've ever had :)
I have often heard it be said that if I were told that I had cancer, but I could live if I attended some meetings for the rest of my life. And find a way of living with such an illness I would go, would I not. And keep going.
We are all winners if we work for it.
I was nothing but a no good looser staying at home drinking myself to death. Full of fear and anxiety and hatred towards my God I had lost.
How sad and crazy is that ! Me thinks like TipsyMc... I am getting more intelligent every day :}
