The Blame/Guilt game has two players. The person who blames. The partner who says and does things with the intent to make the other person feel guilty. And the receiver of blame. The partner who takes on the guilt.

1. There is no such thing as healthy guilt!

2. Blame is a manipulative tool used by someone who feels powerless to gain control.

3. The objective of blame is to make the recipient feel the same powerlessness.

4. The tool of blame only works to the degree that the recipient is willing to feel guilty.

5. Blame & guilt are a patterns learned in childhood (by both the sender & recipient) that must be released in order to have an effective and harmonious relationship

6. It only takes one partner to drop their part of the pattern to solve the conflict

Blame::As the initiator, it's finding blame in your partner for unpleasant emotions or situations that you are experiencing. You feel things are being done "to you," beyond your control. That you are a victim of circumstances that only your partner can control (and you must suffer with.) A feeling of powerlessness.

Guilt:As the receiver, it's your partner blaming YOU for making THEM feel bad. When someone blames you for doing something, and you start to feel bad, you have gone into the pattern of guilt. You feel guilty for something you did or didn't do. It's often a sense of powerlessness accompanied by a feeling that you can't do anything right. That no matter what you do, you're wrong. At it's extreme the situation seems very illogical (the other person's reasoning makes no sense) yet you somehow feel trapped in the situation anyway.

Blame:The person has the pattern of putting the control for aspects of their life outside of themselves. They play the "victim game." They pretend that they are innocent victims to the world around them. Powerless to control their lives because of what other people are doing TO THEM. They feel they are trapped in a situation that is beyond their control. They see other people doing things that appear to limit their choices and freedom. Rather then seeking alternative ways of getting their needs met, they fixate on what is "blocking" their needs from being met. They can only see the "injustices" that other people are doing to them and how others are blocking them from attaining what they need. Life is something that is done "to them," rather than something that they can control. They feel powerless and will do whatever they can to try to regain control over the situations in their lives. Blaming is useful in exerting some control over other people.

Guilt:The person has the pattern of feeling that some aspect of what they think, say and do is always wrong. That people will be unhappy with their decisions and that what they most want to do is not right. That people will always seek to find fault in them. So as a result they try to hide the aspects of themselves they feel are wrong. They try to keep their perceived weaknesses secret and hidden.

Any secrets that they have will trigger self guilt. Any aspects of their life that they believe to be wrong or places they feel inadequate, will also trigger self guilt. In the end the "blamer" is merely pointing out guilt or shame that already exists in the mind of the "guilter". They are pointing it out because they noticed the "guilter's" perceived weaknesses and feel they can use it to exert some control.

Where does the Blame/Guilt Pattern come from?

On a large scale, blame and guilt are societal patterns that are primarily products of demented religious organizations that have employed guilt and blame to control the populations. The old, "Do something we deem wrong and you'll burn in hell!" thing. (Seach the web for "Spiritual Abuse" for more info.)

On a localized scale, like most patterns, they come from situations in your early childhood. They are often reactions to or imitations of patterns that your parents had. A wife who uses blame to control the husband often had a mother who used blame to control the father. A pattern of guilt is an internalization of being told that you were a bad kid. You actually take on and believe that there are aspects of yourself that are inherently bad (when it's not true).

Like most patterns they can be very deeply emotionally rooted and effect EVERY area of your life in ways that are mostly transparent to you. But no where are these patterns more apparent then in your interaction within a relationship.

Relationships have the magical ability to bring out all your best qualities, and all of your negative patterns. The purpose is to become aware of the patterns, and to release them. But often these patterns are so transparent that all you notice is your partner behaving towards you in a manner that does not make you happy.