I'm carrying my husbands midnight snack dish to the sink this morning, and I stop 4 or 6 times to stoop and pick up toys scattered down the hall, and a few that have trickled down the stairs. The same dish he walked past this morning, and the same toys he walked around. Am I just the maid?
My whole inside swells with fury and I've barely got my eyes open yet. Never have to worry if my "poor me" transmitters are working properly!
Last night I met with my sponsor for the first time at her apartment. I was scared to leave my vehicle parked in front of her house, because one of the doors locks is broken. I live in a small city, and have never worried about it, but last night I did. The people living in the lower half of her apartment were scary, and making hooting noises when I walked by. The steps were steep up to her apartment, and I said when she openend the door "I bet it's fun carrying groceries up those!". She said "it's not too bad". I went on to do more complaining about my lack on cell phone reception in her "area" which was seemingly a ghetto I did not know we had here. Told her I was sorry for being late, and would have called to let her know I was lost, but couldn't. Went on to do more complaining about my phone reception, and that morphed into complaints about my internet connection at my home. She said she didn't have internet at home.
I looked at the cobwebs and piles of dirt on her front porch, trying not to make it obvious I was doing so, but she noticed, and said she couldn't afford a vaccum yet. She offered me water, and apologized for not having anything else to drink or eat.
I made sure to be back to my van before dark, and turned into my "I'm not sick Natasha" most of the time I was there. I wasted her time. Yet I recogized I was doing this for the first time, so for me it was very much not wasted time. I saw my wall, and my act, and my whole other being, for what it was, for the first time. I certainly did not honor her last night.
Todays gift from hazelden.
No One is on Our Path Accidentally
How often do you really look, with focused intention, at the people you see in the halls at work or in line at the grocery or on the street as you wonder by? Most of us do see other people, but quite unconsciously. We need not be ashamed of how easily we dismiss the presence of others; it's usually not deliberate. We are simply self-absorbed. The good news is that we can cultivate the belief that each person is offering us an opportunity to connect on a spiritual level. Joining with each person in this way, by making intentional eye contact, has an immediate healing effect on us and on them, too.
When we seek to see the Spirit in others in this way, strangers as well as friends, we are taking the first and very necessary step to becoming aware of that Spirit. In many cultures, looking into other people's eyes is the highest honor we can pay them. Becoming committed to doing this, increases our peace of mind while showing others that they matter to us, too. Honoring others in this way may not feel natural at first, but if they have crossed our path, this is what we have been called to do.
I really want to connect and honor people in this way. I want to stop complaining about my luxuries. I don't want to be burning up inside when I'm cleaning up after my husband, who provides me a beautiful home in the country, safe, full of furnishings, a vaccum to clean it with, and a refridgerator full of food. I've already drank 2 glasses of tea this morning. I take things for granted... and I want to stop. I want people to see my spirit, and love me for that. Not the vehicle I drive, the square footage of my house or the brand name on my purse.
Today I do not have a desire to drink, but my desires for material things are just as sickening. Can I really ask for these defects to be removed as well? How much can I ask for? I suppose it starts with a prayer, asking to feel deserving. A prayer for people who have less and deserve more.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
you are opening your eyes and opening your heart to the truth. For me, in the beginning it was foreign, opening my eyes to my spiritual condition. the transformation of consciousness happens as i work the steps. learning to look at people, not surroundings, looking for similarities, not differences.
Accepting that i have a spiritual malady, my mind opens, i see that alcoholism puts all us alcoholics on the same playing field. if material things and status have taken the place of spiritual growth we have the steps to show us faith in a higher power, acceptance, self less ness, forgiveness, courage, and tolerance. there are spirtually rich people in this AA program who have ESH they can share with the newcomers & inbetweeners. AA needs all of us. that is how we stay sober today, helping each other.
Page 64 in the big book says "Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions." (which is usually resentments.)
further down the page it says about resentment "From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.
page 68 says, "We never apologize to anyone for depending on our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength."
I liked jj's feedback cause it is closest my experiences. You were on a learning event and it did the right thing for you. It opens your eyes and you are not the same as before getting there. Do not erase the memory of that event. For me I had/have to pick it apart in small lessons because it is full of lessons and my recovery is cemented in the discoveries.
One of my first sponsors name was Bill S and one day I needed to see him urgently. He told me "give me a half hour and we'll meet at ____" We were not more than 3 -5 minutes apart and when I got to the place and he became the teacher and me the student I finally got to ask him "why the 30 minute wait"? I wanted immediate relief from my pain. I filed his response at the top of the list of gratitudes which I carry in my spirit daily. He taught me humility and commitment and courage and confidence and a bunch more as he replied, "I have cancer and it takes 30 minutes to overcome the affect of the chemo chemicals so that I can sit up and drive." I'm crying on the memory and swelling with gratitude of it at the moment. He loved me and showed me how that looks. He died of that disease, I missed his funeral. I will practice the lessons until the last breath is available to me.
Hold the memory...your teacher has arrived.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 2nd of May 2012 07:35:10 PM
I made sure to be back to my van before dark, and turned into my "I'm not sick Natasha" most of the time I was there. I wasted her time.
While I understand what you're feeling, you most certainly didn't waste her time. We alkies stay sober by intensive work with others of our kind. :)
Steve
None of that was a waste of time. Sounded quite humbling. There but for the grace of God go any of us. I used to attend meetings at treatment centers, halfway houses, the "other side of town", and mental institutions, early on to, "get a glimpse" beyond my illusions. I want to keep it fresh where I may wind up if I Choose to drink again.
I'm carrying my husbands midnight snack dish to the sink this morning, and I stop 4 or 6 times to stoop and pick up toys scattered down the hall, and a few that have trickled down the stairs. The same dish he walked past this morning, and the same toys he walked around. Am I just the maid?
My whole inside swells with fury and I've barely got my eyes open yet. Never have to worry if my "poor me" transmitters are working properly!
Last night I met with my sponsor for the first time at her apartment. I was scared to leave my vehicle parked in front of her house, because one of the doors locks is broken. I live in a small city, and have never worried about it, but last night I did. The people living in the lower half of her apartment were scary, and making hooting noises when I walked by. The steps were steep up to her apartment, and I said when she openend the door "I bet it's fun carrying groceries up those!". She said "it's not too bad". I went on to do more complaining about my lack on cell phone reception in her "area" which was seemingly a ghetto I did not know we had here. Told her I was sorry for being late, and would have called to let her know I was lost, but couldn't. Went on to do more complaining about my phone reception, and that morphed into complaints about my internet connection at my home. She said she didn't have internet at home.
I looked at the cobwebs and piles of dirt on her front porch, trying not to make it obvious I was doing so, but she noticed, and said she couldn't afford a vaccum yet. She offered me water, and apologized for not having anything else to drink or eat.
I made sure to be back to my van before dark, and turned into my "I'm not sick Natasha" most of the time I was there. I wasted her time. Yet I recogized I was doing this for the first time, so for me it was very much not wasted time. I saw my wall, and my act, and my whole other being, for what it was, for the first time. I certainly did not honor her last night.
Todays gift from hazelden.
No One is on Our Path Accidentally
How often do you really look, with focused intention, at the people you see in the halls at work or in line at the grocery or on the street as you wonder by? Most of us do see other people, but quite unconsciously. We need not be ashamed of how easily we dismiss the presence of others; it's usually not deliberate. We are simply self-absorbed. The good news is that we can cultivate the belief that each person is offering us an opportunity to connect on a spiritual level. Joining with each person in this way, by making intentional eye contact, has an immediate healing effect on us and on them, too.
When we seek to see the Spirit in others in this way, strangers as well as friends, we are taking the first and very necessary step to becoming aware of that Spirit. In many cultures, looking into other people's eyes is the highest honor we can pay them. Becoming committed to doing this, increases our peace of mind while showing others that they matter to us, too. Honoring others in this way may not feel natural at first, but if they have crossed our path, this is what we have been called to do.
I really want to connect and honor people in this way. I want to stop complaining about my luxuries. I don't want to be burning up inside when I'm cleaning up after my husband, who provides me a beautiful home in the country, safe, full of furnishings, a vaccum to clean it with, and a refridgerator full of food. I've already drank 2 glasses of tea this morning. I take things for granted... and I want to stop. I want people to see my spirit, and love me for that. Not the vehicle I drive, the square footage of my house or the brand name on my purse.
Today I do not have a desire to drink, but my desires for material things are just as sickening. Can I really ask for these defects to be removed as well? How much can I ask for? I suppose it starts with a prayer, asking to feel deserving. A prayer for people who have less and deserve more.
I racked my brain trying to think of something helpful to say to you. You have such a great curiosity about people and things and you get to your feelings which is something a lot of us take a few weeks to do.
Finally, the thought that pops out to me is, "First things, first". Your list is a very good one and it is your list and I have no doubt that you will complete those things on your list. Your personality is expansive and curious and your recovery will be deep and complete.
Meanwhile, simply take your list, prioritize it, and pay attention to the first thing on it. There will be a time when you will be able to work out what your expectations are around your husband's behavior around "leaving things for you to pick up after". That time could be now, but I'm guessing you can put that aside and go after your sobriety, first. Put aside your feelings of being taken for granted and perhaps, manipulated. One of the hardest things to do is to tell people we love what our boundaries are. Even harder, I believe, is to stop drinking and feel those raw feelings on the surface as a result of that abstinence. First things first.
My mother would pick up after me. She'd bitch once in a while, but I knew there was no consequence for my behavior. I just kept on doing it.
Tasha , Thanks for your honest share today. Not sure what to say to be honest just that next time you meet up I am sure your thinking alone the way your are,your next visit will be very different indeed. Like you say you. left thinking all sorts of things..
When we first came back,the car had got repossessed,the house was next, we had no work,we were packing things away and we both knelt down and said some whole hearted prayers, that afternoon. Things changed, Hubby found work and we kept the home till we sold it maybe a year later.
Your sponsor knew you did not come to see her to look at her things ! I call them all things today,because I can make a happy home anywhere. And I am sure the lady has happiness and love in her heart, this is what she was ready to pass onto you :}
I am always wanting to correct the way I think, and behave at times. Its all a slow progress and something that we cannot rush. I spent years just thinking of me and my feelings. Your starting to see some wrong thoughts of your own,do not beat yourself up every time into thinking you are the only one,we all think along the same lines. We look for progress not perfection.
It help me to look up the index pages of the Daily Reflections and As Bill Sees it books under self awareness. Please remember not to go down the self shame thinking,your looking for progress.And as I often say too. Give time time.
My brother lives like a tramp unaware of how to admit he has an illness and unable to seek for help.My prayer for him are always that he may have some quality of life. Today your sponsor has. :}.
And there is never any harm in trying to tighten our budgets a little and giving the men in the house '''Blue Jobs to do ''' lol. My daughters husband has the blue jobs and she say's hers are the pink jobs haha :}
