My parents didn't know I was angry with them, because I was the "good" kid. I felt angry about the drinking and the constant chaos, but I never said anything. I swallowed my resentment, thinking either my needs would go away or my parents would change. Of course, neither happened. In Al-Anon I learned about alcoholism as a family disease and the role I played. My destructive childhood experiences were not due solely to my parents' alcoholism. I played a part in it, too, and I lugged my childhood grudges into adulthood. I healed much of my pain through Al-Anon's Fourth and Fifth Steps by pouring out my frustration and rage to my sponsor. All I really needed was to be heard. Then I could let go of some ugly feelings.
######ROSIE....i think mine knew, becuz of the explosive rage outbursts i did show, but it wasn't directed at them...it would be something else...a trigger....mostly when i felt i was not in control over something........i stuffed the other feelings......my inner child crawled so deep within me she was lying on top of my soul....it was the only way, we would survive the horror that went on......i had disconnected from me......my INteriour (body / mind/ emotions/ intuitions/) went within.......my EXteriour (fighting and protecting...living from my neck up..total REacting) was the only thing functional.....i "functiond" i "slogged through" life a shell of a person.......i hold my abuser entirely responsible for me/ my injuries, UNTIL i was mentally ABLE enough to even KNOW i needed help and got it.....i was of "diminished" capacity until i had enough recovery under me to even be ABLE to make decisions for me........i did, however lug my childhood grudges into adulthood.....i was consumed with hate/resentment/outrage that i could SEE.........a lot of me healed working the first 7 steps....ALL of them, in INTENSE work......i had enormous outrage and grief to discharge from me, and i finally was able to through this program........all i needed, too, was to be validated and be where i was NOT alone and i found it in 12Steps.........i was able to FINALLY give over to my Higher Power/ aka higher self, and take my hands off it
To make amends to my parents in Step Nine, I decided to practice being a better daughter. For example, instead of expecting them to phone me, I started to call them regularly. At first the conversations were awkward. Mom would answer the phone, greet me, and quickly pass the phone to Dad. I knew my parents hadn't been able to provide consistency for me because no one had given it to them. I "Let It Begin with Me" by calling them with the same reliability I yearned for as a child. Now when I call home, Mom seems more comfortable talking with me. We enjoy much longer conversations before she hands the phone to Dad. Sometimes she even asks for the phone back so we can talk more! Thought for the Day When I take my parents' inventory, I hold grudges and sink deeper into my disease. When I take my inventory and make amends, I grow, and love more deeply. "Let me remember that the reason for making amends is to free my own mind of uneasiness ..." *Al-anon Is for Adult Children of Alcoholics*, p. 16 ----------
######ROSIE......FIRST of all, i would like to make something PERFECTLY clear on this work that i do now...my takes on these dailys......there are NO amends to a serial child rapist....NONE!!! i went to court and ERASED his name off me.....i have made a pact withmyself that MINIMAL reference will be made in regards to this now dead, piece of manure, and only if it is needed in the course of my recovery......i said all i have to say about "it".....now its time for me to minimize it and ANY amends/ reference to the "parents" will be in re: to my mother who was also his victim and a hopless alcoholic ......she enabled him, but i have come to forgive her becuz she was his victim too....she never had a chance.....she literally drank herself to death bcuz of the horrific pain she caused me.......my "amend" to her is to get WELL....to HEAL......to release ME from this darkness that hung over both her and me......i cannot do it for her, not really, but i can pray to my HP to "cut her some slack" to "give her forgiveness" on behalf of me becuz i am DONE hating/ blaming her.....yes, she hurt me more than anyone can know...allowing me to be incested......what she DID was reprehensible, but what she WAS was a loving/ good mother until she was destroyed by him......the only diference between myself and her was one thing.......LUCK!!!! i was more fortunate.....MAYBE a bit tougher.....maybe my will was a bit stronger, but nevertheless, i "feel for her" would i want a close relationship with her if she were alive????? i don't know.....she hurt me too much, but i TOTALLY and COMPLETELY forgive her......i forgive my older siblings for the abuse they did to me...my oldest sister , i know, through her actions is sorry for her treatement to me, and she has made jestures "the best way she can" to make amends.....i ACCEPT them.....my oldest brother who may hate me till he dies, for exposing the offender, by my going to court and "erasing his name" i exposed him.....i called him WHAT he was, IN court TO a judge, who AGREED with me that he was NOT fit to have his name on me.....my oldest brother hates me for that........i don't care!!!!! it is HIS inventory, not mine....he is in denial and drinking.....i am in the TRUTH and recovery......end result??? i feel pity for him....he will gnash his teeth , alone in his hatred for me, bcuz NONE of our relatives support him....they scorn him for his cruel treatment of me.....the others love and support me.........jim will just keep making bad karma for himself...it is NOT my problem.....i am detached from him.....i have NO desire to have contact with him and his abusive treatment of me....i give him to his Higher power and i DETACHED......its over for me............i made amends, cleaned up my side of the street and i am KEEPING my side of the street that way.......its for ME......about ME......MY karma......MY recovery.......and the end result , with the exception of the oldest brother, my familial relationships are better than ever.......sadly i am the only one in recovery.....i pray that the others crave the peace with themselves that i am moving towards each day.................thank you DONE
