So, here I am... listening to the same song on loop for the--fuck, who knows how many times. And I've already had five or six glasses of wine. My writing is intense when I drink, but I know I need to stop. I need to slow down. I need to stop putting my mind through this roller coaster, but it's the best way to get the intensity out..to make myself free enough to let my characters spin. How the hell do I control this? I feel free when I write, but I write when I drink, and when I drink I do things that piss my family off. What now? What do I do?
-- Edited by Trinity Archer on Saturday 28th of April 2012 09:54:36 PM
Do you want to live, have a family, have some sanity, or do you want to drink? I say this because of the progressive nature of the disease of alcoholism. At some point we will be too dysfunctional to work, whatever "work" is. Many of us have to take time out from our professions, to get a handle on recovery. Because of a associated malady (complication of sobriety) called "Post acute withdrawal syndrome" google that or search our forum for Terrance Goski's book Living sober, a guide to relapse prevention. Like Mark said here (or your similar thread), there is an adjustment period of time, in sobriety, where we have somewhat of a down turn in our abilities or some or all kinds, due to our learned methods of doing the same, while partially or totally under the influence. Most of us find that after a 6 months to a year or so, we function much better in all ways. It was that way for myself. My average income (for 20+ years), due to my increased creativity/ motivation/ health/ appearance.... is quadruple what my best year while drinking. On top of that, I take 10 times the amount of vacation days and travel widely.
It's funny that I've never given much thought to how well drunk contractors do compared to me. lol I had to laugh, it's sounds pretty silly when put that way.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 29th of April 2012 01:42:16 PM
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 29th of April 2012 09:27:34 PM
I chose my family and life, and I'm glad I did. I can still get lost in creativity, even though I thought that would be impossible before... it just took a little time.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Someone recommened a book by a drunk writer so I took the time to read Post Office by Charles Bukowski.
It was one of the dullest books I've ever read. Nothing intense. Nothing even interesting. Just ramblings.
I used to think drugs would help me be a creative musician; drink would help me understand Blues. It the long run, it only helped me get high and drunk.
I used to think I was writing really profound things when drinking too. I wasn't. There is NOTHING you do better drunk than sober. NOTHING (except make an ass of yourself and destroy your health). Yes, it is true that for a while you will not be able to write as well without alcohol. That is the lie of addiction. This will be true because you have totally conditioned yourself to only write when drinking. The fact that you now believe one is necessary for the other is just a case of classical conditioning and add to that - alcohol is an addictive substance that will take you down the more you have of it.
So...you can write without drinking. It will be difficult and painful in some ways but worth it. It will take practice and finding other things to do to relax and get yourself in your "creative zone." There ARE other ways. The fact that you describe having no choice but to drink in order to do something is a clear sign of alcoholism and it's disturbing. Doesn't that bother you? Don't believe the lies of alcoholism. When I got sober, I literally felt like I had to learn how to eat and shower and practically learn how to wipe myself all over again. Of course I did know how to do all these things, but alcohol sneakily took over and had me thinking I couldn't do squat without it. I really don't want you to get to that point.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
As the saying goes (quoted on this board by folks far wiser than l): us alkies either get sobered up, locked up or covered up. Not much good writing is likely to come out of the latter two scenarios.
Here you are posting to a bunch of sobered up alcoholics and asking for help. That's a different kind of writing depending on what you DO with it. I love the responses you received cause that is what in part keeps me sober. I didn't write when I drank...I just drank. No sense trying to use a brain under the influence of alcohol to do anything creative with I knew I'd be just screwing with myself more and not using a glass with ice or a chaser depending how creative I was feeling. In the end it was just me and the glass...I couldn't read any writing...I knew what the requirements of toxic shock were.
Want to stop? Want to really stop? What I didn't was stop drinking and instead go to meetings 102 of them in 90 days. Don't do anything creative other than that...sit down, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice what the other sober members were doing. They knew how I didn't yet.
I've been doing some writing. I'm not good at it. It's taken a long time to get to the point where I might be ready to finish it. Alcoholics tend to ramble alot...Hi my name is Jerry F and I am alcoholic.
Drinker cannot drink without writing. I am addicted to writing. Sometimes my drinking is totally screwed up by my obsessive need to write. Just as I am starting to catch a buzz, I grab my keyboard and type away. Problem is, my addiction to writing gets all screwed up the more wine I drink. I can NOT continue my writing addiction while I drink. If I want to continue this writing addiction, I'm going to have to stop drinking. I really don't have the will power to stop the writing. It brings me great pleasure and it's the only addiction I have that makes both ME and OTHER PEOPLE happy.
If I want to write...I've GOT to stop drinking!
Just reading your posting and thinking I hope you pop back and put the drink down. You have helped me tonight remember my drinking days and the times I just sat back and '' Wished I did not drink '' Wishing did not sober me up,getting into action today keeps me sober, hope this helps.
~*~A.A. Thoughts For The Day~*~ ^*^*^*^*^ (\ ~~ /) ( \ (AA)/ ) (_ /AA\ _) /AA\ ^*^*^*^*^ Meetings
"Sobriety and a plan for living that produces a personality change and a spiritual awakening are imperative. Through AA, many receive the needed change and awakening just by trying to live by AA principles and with AA people. We do this by going to many AA meetings with an open mind and a desire to live the good-feeling life without chemicals-- liquid or otherwise." Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 459
Thought to Consider . . .
Seven days without an AA meeting makes one weak.
*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
ABC Acceptance, Belief, Change *~*~*~*~*^Just For Today!^*~*~*~*~*
Upkeep From Having Fun Yet: When my own house is in order, I find the different parts of my life are more manageable. Stripped from the guilt and remorse that cloaked my drinking years, I am free to assume my proper role in the universe, but this condition requires maintenance. I should stop and ask myself, Am I having fun yet? If I find answering that question difficult or painful, perhaps I'm taking myself too seriously and finding it difficult to admit that I've strayed from my practice of working the program to keep my house in order.
We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 164
Sobriety is a journey of joyful discovery. Each day brings new experience, awareness, greater hope, deeper faith, broader tolerance. I must maintain these attributes or I will have nothing to pass on.
Great events for this recovering alcoholic are the normal everyday joys found in being able to live another day in God's grace.
Copyright 1990 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS WORLD SERVICES, INC. *~*~*~*~*^As Bill Sees It^*~*~*~*~* The Sense of Belonging
Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world. We are no longer lost and frightened and purposeless. The moment we catch even a glimpse of God's will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs. We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter.
TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 105 *~*~*~*~*^ Big Book Quote ^*~*~*~*~* "Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends, this is an experience you must not miss."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Working With Others, pg. 89~ *~*~*~*^Twenty Four Hours A Day^*~*~*~* A.A. Thought for the Day
By submitting to God, were released from the power of liquor. it has no more hold on us. We're also released from the things that were holding us down: pride, selfishness, and fear. And we're free to grow into a new life, which is so much better than the old life that there's no comparison. This release gives us serenity and peace with the world. Have I been released from the power of alcohol?
Meditation for the Day
We know God by spiritual vision. We feel that He is beside us. We feel His presence. Contact with God is not made by the senses. Spirit-consciousness replaces sight. Since we cannot see God, we have to perceive Him by spiritual perception. God has to span the physical and the spiritual with the gift to us of spiritual vision. Many persons, though they cannot see God, have had a clear spiritual consciousness of Him. We are inside a box of space and time, but we know there must be something outside of that box, limitless space, eternity of time, and God.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may have a consciousness of God's presence. I pray that God will give me spiritual vision.
