I went to the large meeting last night that people offer to sponsor at. The sponsor I had that stopped answering my calls was there, this is the first time I've seen him. After the meeting, he seemed to be ignoring me, so I went up to say hi and tell him I had 30 days, and part of that was thanks to him. He shook my hand and as he was doing so, the guy next to him (whom I've never met) said "are ya still going to those brown bag meetings". I was puzzled as to how he knew anything about me or where I attend meetings. I said yes with kind of a dumb founded look on my face I suppose. He said "make sure you have equal those meetings out with good ones, they'll keep ya sick". Again I didn't know what to say, and just kind of nodded. I left really confused. What did he mean by that? I remember my sponsor, apparently friends or maybe the sponsee of this guy calling those "piss and moan meetings" and that if I didn't learn anything about God at a meeting It wasn't worth my time. The next day he stopped calling me. I told him I didn't know what God was for sure yet that night. He said, "well how are you going to get better then?" I said, "I don't know, I'm hoping you can teach me". He said okay. But that was the last we spoke.
I'm so confused. The brown bag meetings are a lot of pissing and moaning, but in the begginning for me at least, it was consistent, something I could attend every day, and it fit my schedule. I needed to just vent and get comfortale with people, now I listen to people who come in and just cry, and know how they feel, and remember why I come. I learn a lot from the old timers, and the ones newer than me. What is so wrong with that?
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Brown bag might mean a lunch time meeting. That's BS about any meeting being "no good." You will know what is good and what is not. I went to lots of newcomer meetings for my first year and a half. Those are ALL moaning and bitching meetings and that is okay because they are newcomers meetings. I did pick other meetings with lots of oldtimers to balance that out. It all worked out fine for me. You could have just as easily suggested for your old sponsor and his ilk to try following through on their service committments lest they "stay sick" also....But that would not be keeping your side of the street clean. You are fine Tasha. You have a new sponsor right? Just run it all by her and remember that, while the oldtimers such as your old sponsor and his peers may have some accumulated knowledge and wisdom, they are still just people like you trying to stay sober. Take what you want and leave the rest.
You do want a balance of different types of meetings - You do not want to take personally what that guy said to you. Make sense? Lastly, it took me a few months in AA to realize I wasn't building up someone else's program...I wanted approval so bad. You do want feedback from others, but this is YOUR proram and not theirs so if what you are doing feels right in your head and your heart...then it probably is right!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I realized later, that I'm taking the "whatever you think is wrong" thing way too far. I can still make some good judgments, and I need to figure out when I'm thinking backwards and when I should listen to others. Right now, It seems like I need guidance to take any step forward, and I need to learn to walk on my own a little I guess. First I'm changing totally to let others direct my thinking, now I've gone too far... sheesh... this is a lot to take in.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
It might be similar here. When I first came in I was unemployed and went to a lot of lunchtime meetings. I fit right in, the majority were just new or returning relapsers and it was reassuring to see lots of other people just like me. I was unable to speak in the meetings but there were plenty of vocal types. They talked about practically anything but the solution. I didn't know this of course, they were all just like me, there weren't many that knew anything about the solution. The meetings were good for identification. Then someone told me the "real" sobriety was in the suburban night time meetings and I decided to take a look. Here I found the people I wanted to be like. It was quite a different dynamic. Where before, relapsing and living in the problem seemed to be common, these new meetings had people with solid sobriety, living productive lives, they talked about the solution, taking the steps, new members were making progress and relapsing was much less common. These folks were teaching the AA programme and that's what got me sober. A isn't a mutual admiration society and we don't have to like everyone we meet. Thos old boys you were talking about, well I probably wouldn't like them either. But that doesn't mean there wasn't an element of truth in what they said. I can still learn from people I don't like. What they are saying is that if you want the solution, you have to go where the solution is. Find and stick with the winners.
Look at it like this. If everyone analysed everything I said or did,at every meeting and in all walks in/of life, and then a few got together chatting and analysing too. They would all be at it and what a boring lot of old farts that would make them ! They. would have far better things to get on with.
Now look at it like this if you were to do this with everyone you meet, at meetings in the supper markets, school. everywhere. you would be blooming tired lol.
I can understand though ! But I guess I would have said something like this.. I go to all my meetings because I want and need to. I always get something from every meeting that I visit as each week is different. I go to my meetings to gain strength.
I do not analyse anything I may wonder from time to time, but hay people are just not analysing me ! well I blooming well hope not lol :}
No one can direct your thinking only yourself and your higher power. '' Keep it simple'' and uncluttered with little things that matter not. That's how I do it, and it works for me. I like my head to remain calm. So I keep it filled with AA not people living rent free :} either with a resentment or working out why they said this or that. Science has not invented anything yet to understand Me. I have to understand me,and I just do whatever is healthy for me. Hope this helps a little. :}
I been sober quite some time. I'm not all better yet but me and God are working on it. I got sober going to lots of meetings I didn't want to go to, listening to a lot of people I didn't like say a lot of things I didn't want to hear. After I started getting better I realized the reason I didn't want to hear that stuff is because it was true and the reason I didn't like those people is because they reminded me of someone I didn't like - me. A guy used to say what is it about that guy that reminds you of you? I still go to lots of meetings but I go for different reasons now. I go because I want to. And I go because of the newcomers. In the Big Book it says "we meet frequently so that newcomers may find the fellowship they crave." So it's not about me anymore. Its about you. Or people like you. Congratulations on a month. It looks good on you.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of my days are worthless, anymore.
Aloha Tasha...Might be that the brown bag refers to the one that holds the bottle then refering to going to meetings and still drinking...I don't know I think the analyzing this fits me also however I have a suggestion?...go get another sponsor very perferably and female with time and if someone in a meeting you don't know...knows what you've been going thru chance are your anonymity is being fractured. You're being talked about and confidences broken. Get a female who has time and who you can trust and ask ..."Please help me". It worked for me. All meetings are good meeting because of what you bring to them.
Get a female who has time and who you can trust and ask ..."Please help me". It worked for me. All meetings are good meeting because of what you bring to them.
((((hugs))))
The only question is where are you likely to find one? Maybe a daytime steps meeting or big book study would be a good place to start, if you have such things in your area.
I did find a female sponsor last week, but the "her having time" is the hard part.
One of the reasons I like the noon meeting is because there is a wide variety of sobriety there, and a lot of retired old timers that have been sober over 30 yrs, that I just can't wait to go and listen to. There are also, like you said, a lot of people with only a few yrs sobriety. I've been going for the last month, and there have been 2 new comers, one young unemployed, one retired, both new to AA at their 1st meeting. I've enjoyed that too... but the thing I LOVE about that meeting is it's the ONLY one I've met other stay at home mom's like me! I thought I was the only stay at home mom who was so terrible, so it was a huge relief to find other seemingly normal people, with the same deep dark secrets as me. People I've seen at children's functions, children's museum's, activities around town, and you'd never guess they were alcoholics... just like me.
Yes I do enjoy going to the big book meeting on Wednesday nights, and the step meeting on Monday night. I enjoy the speaker meeting on Saturday nights, and I don't always make it to all of that because it's hard for me to go at night with young kids and my husband works all the time. Hard to find a babysitter who doesn't have school the next morning, and can stay here and put my kids to bed. But there is usually one night that my husband is home during the week, and I can go. So I've come to realize that if it wasn't for the noon meeting, I wouldn't be able to go to nearly enough meetings... as I still feel like for now, I need a meeting every day. This message board is so wonderful, but not enough. When I was only going to one meeting a week, I almost lived on here... hoping it would save me... that it can't do. I need meetings. I need all of it together! I'm am so grateful to all of you for your insight, I appreciate it so much!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Pardon my French but your former sponsor sounds like le'jerk off. Seriously, there's no excuse for dicking around someone like that who is in early sobriety and needs reliable guidance. Wash your hands of him and chalk it up as a lesson learned. Oh yeah, and what are you doing with a male sponsor anyway? Don't you know that every man in AA automatically tries to sleep with every female noob? And vice versa? Sheesh :/
In my area "women for women and men for men" is our mantra. I wasn't sure if you were a man or a woman due to that, but I figured it out. And, where I attend meetings we would call a man who is sponsoring a newcomer female 13th stepping. Hang with those folks who understand you...women. I didn't much care for women when I got sober, men were so much easier to manipulate.
When I first got sober I asked, oh, a half dozen or so people to sponsor me. I never called any of them except one. I had someone who said yes and who I started hanging with who turned out to be a month sober. YIKES! She was honest enough to admit that her sponsor told her is wasn't time at a month sobriety to sponsor anyone. I finally found a great sponsor who turned out to be just what I needed, but it took six months or so to find her.
What I did when I was seeking a sponsor? I read the Big Book. A lot. I prayed. A lot. I went to a lot of meetings, hung out with a lot of fellow alcoholics (some who had not so good motives for hanging out with a cutie like I was at the time and your picture shows you to be as well). It was suggested I stay away from the men. I didn't, but I didn't drink either. I worked the first step hard,and HAD to work the second one once I was convinced of my powerless. Was my Higher Power God? Yes, the one of my understanding, who I thought of as Santa Claus. REALLY! I know Him to be different now.
So, bottom line, a sponsor is important, but a sponsor WILL NOT keep ME sober. I keep ME sober, my Higher Power who I chose to call God keeps me sober. Here's the really really scary part. The responsibility for MY sobriety is MINE but doing it alone? I tried it, it didn't work. You are not alone. I will be praying for you. Hang in there. It gets harder before it gets better, but you can not imagine how much better,and sometimes different, it gets.
Congratulations Tasha on getting a new sponsor. I have been following your posts on what happened with your other sponsor and have been thinking of you often.
I can relate so much to what you say about finding people like you. When I was in denial, I would say "I don't need to be around a bunch of old drunk men". That makes me cringe now because the old-timers (men and women) I've met so far have been absolutely wonderful, and a key part of my sobriety. One gentleman at my home group told me about HALT and I use it all the time as a tool to know when to get to a meeting or call my sponsor, and that has helped me to keep mmy 24 hour streak going for almost 2 weeks now :)
Just as importantly, I have found others like me at meetings - young women born in the 1980s with 1 or 2 university degrees who worked hard all their lives thus far only to find that the life they were prepared of doesn't exist (no jobs in the fields we trained for, only minimum wage which doesn't help to pay off student debt; a deteriorating environment; a world which hasn't learned from our ancestors and is still dominated by poverty, war, and inequality). Not to blame these things for my drinking, but they were/are things I need to come to terms with to stay sober... And that's what this is all about, that's why we're here in AA.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us so openly, and thank you for helping me stay sober today :)
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The Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you treat others.
As they say, no coincidences in AA. My sponsor and another guy were out for a meal just now.
Me and the other guy were talking about crappy meetings, insane and long-winded shares by people talking about what pisses them off and their character defects and not about booze or the solution, etc. etc,
My 32 years sober sponsor said that he was told: "The worse I think the meeting is, the harder I have to listen."
Guess I'm a slow study, 3 years + in the Fellowship, but it was a lightbulb moment.
I went to the large meeting last night that people offer to sponsor at. The sponsor I had that stopped answering my calls was there, this is the first time I've seen him. After the meeting, he seemed to be ignoring me, so I went up to say hi and tell him I had 30 days, and part of that was thanks to him. He shook my hand and as he was doing so, the guy next to him (whom I've never met) said "are ya still going to those brown bag meetings". I was puzzled as to how he knew anything about me or where I attend meetings. I said yes with kind of a dumb founded look on my face I suppose. He said "make sure you have equal those meetings out with good ones, they'll keep ya sick". Again I didn't know what to say, and just kind of nodded. I left really confused. What did he mean by that? I remember my sponsor, apparently friends or maybe the sponsee of this guy calling those "piss and moan meetings" and that if I didn't learn anything about God at a meeting It wasn't worth my time. The next day he stopped calling me. I told him I didn't know what God was for sure yet that night. He said, "well how are you going to get better then?" I said, "I don't know, I'm hoping you can teach me". He said okay. But that was the last we spoke.
I'm so confused. The brown bag meetings are a lot of pissing and moaning, but in the begginning for me at least, it was consistent, something I could attend every day, and it fit my schedule. I needed to just vent and get comfortale with people, now I listen to people who come in and just cry, and know how they feel, and remember why I come. I learn a lot from the old timers, and the ones newer than me. What is so wrong with that?
I got "13th Stepped" early on in my sobriety. She was someone way up high in Al-Anon. Shame on her. Shame on me. She was married and it didn't take long before I told her I loved her. WTF?
This little soiree didn't cause me to drink but...it came close!
In retrospect, we are all human. We are attracted to other people in the 12 Step rooms. It's their sobriety, their way of speaking, their looks. Having a sponsor of the opposite sex is a mistake in my book. It's too many issues to bring to one's sobriety. Sure, you can get sober but, your relationship with your sponsor needs to stay non-sexual in every way.
No relationships for a year, at least. Just you, your meetings, your sponsor, your coffee after the meetings; next morning, rinse and repeat. One year.
One of the greatest gifts I gave myself was, after my little 13th Step Incident occurred, that I stopped all opposite-sex relationships and got to know myself better when I was alone with just me. No outside co-dependency on mood altering relationships of the 3rd kind (contact with the opposite sex), no booze, no nothin'.
You are raw at this stage and meetings are important to talk it all out; but, getting to know one's self is a remarkable gift that keeps on giving. And, it is really, really difficult to do, especially when you are programmed to flirt and do all the other things that gets you in bed with others. Nuff said.
